Chapter Twenty

Secrets & Hope

Crawford Street

Early Evening

Giles opened the door to the Mansion and stepped aside, letting Joyce walk in first. “It hasn’t changed much has it.” She absentmindedly said. Giles looked at her questioningly, when was she ever here?

“You um have been here before Joyce?” He asked as he closed the door.

She looked at him sheepishly. “I...” she took a deep breath, “I came here the morning of Buffy’s prom and I talked to Angel.”

“Oh Buffy never mentioned it.”

She blushed, “That’s because she didn’t know.”

Giles peered at her inquisitively.

Joyce was embarrassed to admit that she had meddled in her daughter’s love life. It was something that she never ever wanted to do, but at the time it seemed like the sensible thing to do. “Well I don’t remember everything I said, but basically…I told him that if he loved her he would leave her.”

“Oh dear lord. So you were the reason why he left Sunnydale?” Giles asked.

“Well I don’t know Rupert, I mean I did say that to him, but he seemed to think the same thing. I think he was already contemplating it. I just reassured him that he would be doing the right thing.”

“And Buffy doesn’t know this?”

“No I never told her and I don’t think he did either.”

“Well she will now!” Joyce and Giles whipped around to the door leading to the kitchen, Dawn was there arms crossed over her chest and she looked very upset.

Joyce took a step toward her with a smile on her face, relieve at seeing her youngest daughter evident on her face. “Dawn.”

Dawn stood her ground, she overhead her mom’s confession and it made her mad to think that her mother could so callously meddle in Buffy’s life and then not have the balls to tell her. “How could you do that Mom? Do you know what Angel’s leaving did to her!”

“Honey I know and I’ve regretted it every day.”

“I bet. You liked the power you had over her just like you liked the power over me and not telling me the truth!”

Joyce vehemently shook her head in denial. “No sweetie that’s not true. I only did what I thought was best for Buffy and for you. I love both of you I don’t want to hurt you.”

Dawn’s face was red with anger as she screamed at her mother. “DON”T LIE YOU LOVED IT!”

As her voice raised Spike, Cordelia and Wesley came out of the kitchen to see what was going on.

“Dawn, what’s wrong?” Spike asked ready to kill whatever it was that upset her. When he saw Joyce and Giles he relaxed and quietly spoke to her, rubbing her arm comfortingly. “Niblet, don’t yell at your Mum.”

Dawn shook off his hand and turned her anger to him. “Stop telling me what to do!”

The hurt look on Spike’s face was evident to everyone except Dawn who later would regret yelling at her friend, but now she was too annoyed with her mother to care about anything else.

She turned to face Joyce again. “Everyone’s always telling me what to do! I’m not a kid you know! I’m not even real!”

“NO Dawn that’s not true, you are real. You’re my daughter!” Joyce took another step closer but fumbled her hand rose to her head as she was hit with a blinding sharp pain. “I…” she passed out and crumbled to the floor.

“JOYCE!” Everyone ran over to her except Dawn who stood still shocked and shaken at her still mother lying on the floor.

***

Angel abruptly woke up his eyes snapping open and staring at the ceiling, something was wrong. He looked to the left and immediately knew what it was…she was gone.

“Damn it!” he jumped up and dressed quickly, he could still smell her scent and the side of the bed she was on was still warm so she must have just left. He haphazardly threw on his clothes and jacket and ran out the door.

When he stood outside he stopped. Sniffing into the night he snarled, he didn’t have much time before the sun rose. He hadn’t realized that they had slept so long. While he stood there he realized that he hadn’t felt this good waking up since the last time he slept beside her. He guessed it was the same for her and that’s why they slept through the night. Unusual occurrence considering he was a creature of the night and usually woke up automatically at Sunset.

Since he didn’t have much time he had to be fast and stealthy, and there was only one way to do that. He calmed his inner turmoil and relaxed, concentrating on their connection. A smile graced his face as he felt her and he took off toward the graveyard.

When he finally got there he jumped up on top of a mausoleum scanning the cemetery for her, there was a flash of white and he smiled, jumping down he ran toward it.

Buffy was walking through the graveyard when she heard his approach. When she woke up she felt the need for air, she felt like she had to be somewhere peaceful to think about what happened. She didn’t want to but she still felt the necessity to run from him. Her defense mechanism kept pressing her to flee before it was too late and he broke her heart again, even though she had already begun to think of them being together. She still didn’t trust him, and it was that distrust that conflicted with her heart that was heavy with love for him.

So she left him to sort it out, but she knew she wouldn’t be alone for long. She had felt his anxiousness the second he woke up. It had startled her at first because she didn’t realize how deep their connection went. A few days earlier it probably would have scared the crap out of her, but now, she felt oddly comforted by it.

Angel stood behind her with hands in his pockets he couldn’t decipher her mood and he knew that she knew he was there, so he figured it was best to see what she would do.

Thankfully she didn’t keep him waiting long.

“I didn’t know you kept the apartment?” She asked quietly as she continued to walk.

He followed instep behind her. “I couldn’t get rid of it there are too many special memories there.” He softly said as his eyes coveted her long blonde hair that swung against her back as she walked.

Her heart felt like it was going to explode at his words. She had always thought that their most precious moments were there in his apartment. Even though it was also the place of her first meeting with the demon, it didn’t matter; it was just another memory that she cherished.

She stopped walking and turned around. She couldn’t breathe. He was so handsome and the love and kindness that shone in his eyes as he gazed at her muddled her mind, it was always like that with him, she just couldn’t think straight when she looked at him.

She lowered her gaze unable to keep looking at him, “Why did you lie to me?” She asked quietly.

It was a redundant question considering the day they shared together and all that was said between them. But she still felt the need to ask without the haze of passion surrounding them.

Angel had no problem understanding what she was thinking and he took a step closer till he stood in front of her. Gently he lifted her face up so he could look into her eyes. “I didn’t tell you about Kate because I didn’t think it was important. I mean I slept with her and she did consider herself my girlfriend. But I never did. I never loved her. I never shared anything with her except sex.”

She took a step back, unable to think while he touched her.

He scowled as she stepped away and his hands fell from her face. He didn’t want her away from him; he wanted to hold her close to comfort her to love her. But she was so stubborn and she was still holding on to her doubts and fears. He thought that he had gotten through to her but apparently she wasn’t ready to let him in yet. He prayed to the Powers for patience.

Her face was crinkled with distress. “But you should have told me Angel, I asked you and you should have told me. God…everything that concerns you is important to me, don’t you know that? Maybe not to you but it is to me. What if you didn’t know about Riley and you asked me and I said there was no one, and then you found out that there was, wouldn’t you be upset?”

His features darkened, upset wasn’t the word that he would use, he would be more than upset he would be enraged. And Buffy saw the answer to her question on his ever-darkening scowl.

She sighed, “Angel, all I ever wanted from you was to have an equal standing in our relationship. Honesty and commitment goes both ways. I don’t think that you ever allowed that. You always thought that you were the superior one in the relationship.”

He tried to stop her because he didn’t believe that but she raised her finger to his lips to silence him. He lovingly kissed it and she smiled at him.

“Whether you believe that or not, it’s how I feel. I can understand it a little, I mean, you are 240 years older then me, you have lived and seen things that I could never imagine seeing. But Angel, it’s not the sixteenth century; men don’t always have to save the damsel in distress. I’m quite capable of doing that myself.”

He smiled at her. “I know you can Buffy but I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t help the overwhelming need I have to protect you. You’re my mate…you’re our mate and I can’t control that instinct, I’m sorry. I can promise you that I will always be honest with you and discuss things with you first. But I can’t promise that I won’t take actions on my own if I feel I need to protect you from something. Buffy, I love you so much all I ever want to do is keep you safe. Sometimes my instinct to shield you from everything that’s harsh in this world takes control and I stop thinking. “

“Angel, I understand that because I feel the same way…” He smiled thinking that everything was great she understood and was ready to give him another chance. Until she spoke her next words. “…that’s not what upsets me.”

His smile disappeared and he looked confused. “It’s not?”

“No. What bothers me is that you didn’t trust in me to understand that and you felt you had to lie.”

“I didn’t want to cause you anymore pain.”

Her hand rose and touched his cheek. “Angel, when you don’t believe in me and trust in me, that causes me pain. Isn’t that how we got here to begin with? You felt the need to push me away without ever considering that you could talk to me about it rationally.”

He kissed her palm and closed his eyes breathing in her scent enjoying her touch. “Baby you were not rational that day; you wouldn’t listen to me.”

She smiled at him sheepishly. “I know. I know I put you in an awkward position and I’m sorry. I just wanted to be with you so much. I was tired of being alone…I was starting to feel like I had imagined everything you know, like we never loved each other the way we did. When I saw you with Faith…it brought back those feelings of insecurity and doubts and I…I needed to know that you still loved me.”

“I’m sorry I caused you so much pain, you have to believe me when I say I love you. That I came back for you and no other reason.” His eyes pleaded with her to believe him.

“I want to Angel I do, I’m just so scared…you are the only person in the world that can tear me in two. It was so hard to keep going thinking that you didn’t want me. You said that we were never meant to be.” Her voice hitched as pain filled her heart; she could hear him in her head saying those words.

He took her head in his hands, looking deep into her eyes he spoke vehemently. “Buffy we are meant to be, you and me, our love is forever and I’m sorry that I said those things, I never meant them…ever. I’ve always known that you are my light. Please forgive me, I’ll do anything you want, I’ll say anything you want, as long as you give me a chance, give us a chance. I promise from this day forth no more lies. I will never again make another decision concerning us without talking to you first. I will never again walk away from you. I’m not afraid anymore Buffy. I know that I can be the man you need me to be. I can be strong”

“Angel…I…” Her eyes lowered, she was unable to keep looking at his warm loving gaze and say what she needed to say. “…I do want to give us another chance but…”

The sudden happiness that entered his eyes was stalled at her but. “But?”

“But I want to take it slow.” She said still looking down.

He raised her head to look in her eyes. “What exactly do you mean by slow?”

She took a deep breath, “Well what did you envision happening next? I mean would you stay here? Would I go to LA?”

He thought about it and honestly he didn’t really know he had never looked that far into the future his only concern had been to win her back not what they would do after. But he didn’t have to think long on it to give her an honest answer. “I’m here to stay Buffy I’m not leaving Sunnydale again unless you’re with me.”

She nodded. “Would you want to live with me?” she asked quietly.

He lifted her face to his and smiled at her. “I already have a whole dresser and closet ready for you.”

Tears sprung to her eyes and she whispered, “You do?”

He smiled, “I do.”

He lowered his head to kiss her and she met him in the middle. As they softly kissed he lowered his hands and took hers in his, squeezing them reassuringly.

Tears fell from her eyes and slowly started to trickle down her cheek as their lips separated. She suddenly felt a little shy and she lowered her gaze to their entwined hands, and she inhaled sharply.

There on his strong finger was a burned claddagh ring and underneath it was another cleaner claddagh ring. Shakily she reached over and touched it reverently. “My ring.” she said in wonderment.

He looked down at their hands and the rings. “I found it when I came back from hell…I kept it, always next to mine.”

She was unabashedly crying as she continued to stare at it. She thought she lost it so long ago but he had it, he had kept it close to his, cherished it. She smiled and lovingly caressed it as the memory of the day that he gave it to her filled her with tenderness.

Angel took it off his finger and handed it to her. “Put it on.”

It was the same softly spoken command that he had said to her before on the docks when he first gave it to her.

He prayed to God that she would, but a part of him expected her to spit in his face. Instead she reached for his hand and leaning down kissed his ring as her tears dropped on his hand. She lifted her head and stared deeply in to his watery eyes. Carefully she took the ring and put it on her finger with the hearts facing in.

He took her hands in his and spoke. “Now you truly belong to me again and I’ll never ever let you go again.”

He should probably tell her that they were married and always had been but things were going so smoothly he didn’t want to rock the boat. It never even occurred to him that he was totally going against everything that he said he wouldn’t do anymore. Every thing that she told him flew out of his brain as the jubilation that she was truly his again overcame every rational thought in this mind.

They leaned into each other, mouths opening slightly, tongues wetting dry lips, ready to taste love, when they were interrupted by feet landing solidly on the ground beside them.

“Bloody hell I’ve been searching everywhere for you two!” Spike exclaimed.

Buffy sighed and dropped her head against Angel’s chest as he growled out his displeasure at being interrupted. “Spike, go away!”

“Sorry mate, can’t do…Buffy, it’s your mum.” He urgently said.

Buffy sighed, “What, does she want to lecture me on something else now?”

“No luv she’s in the hospital.”

Chapter Twenty-One