Chapter Fifteen

Let Me Love You

After what felt like a lifetime Buffy left the hill and once again was walking aimlessly around town, except this time she found herself at the old warehouse that had burned down.

She almost laughed at how she seemed to keep finding herself at the places that held her most precious memories. She kicked open the door and walked inside. Looking all around her the memories of this building filled her it was the place of her most cherished memory; the day of her birthday

It was here that they had first seen the Judge, and then had run for their lives in the pouring rain. It was the beginning of her most treasured moment and the most heart wrenching pain she had ever experienced, at least until six months ago.

She sat down on the blackened table that still stood strong and tried to shift through everything that he had told her.

He said that it was her that set him free and that the dreams were real. After seeing so many things with her own eyes she knew that those dreams very well could have been real. They felt real. Hadn’t she almost gone mad with the reality of those dreams?

And what about what he said. He said he didn’t mean any of those mean things, and that he still loved her. In the dreams it was easy to believe. She could feel his love and devotion to her in every touch. But in the cold hard light of day it wasn’t that clear.

Her heart and soul cried out for him. Her body yearned for his touch yet her mind was screaming at her to keep the doors closed and not let him in again. Which would be easy to do if it wasn’t for the warmth that started to fill the vacant space in her heart and soul, at a mere look or touch from him.

God she was confused. She didn’t know what to do, what to believe. She knew that Angel had always been non-self serving. He had always done what he thought was best for her even if she hadn’t agreed. They had fought countless times on that subject alone. Could it be that he had really turned her away to give her a chance at a life that he seemed to think she deserved and needed?

Her brow furrowed and she kicked at the empty space in front of her with her foot. It would be just like him to do something like that. Push her away toward the normal life that he thought she deserved. He had never been able to understand that she was never going to have a normal life or be normal for that matter.

And what about the demon…did he still exist only to be locked away inside the body? That was definitely what it felt like both in the dreams and reality. That was why she was getting mixed messages from him because they were both in control.

All of a sudden it was like a light went off in her head and she smiled into the darkened room. This new situation could have great possibilities. But she needed to know more. She needed to completely and fully understand the situation, and what he planned to do before she made any decisions.

She jumped off the table and stood tall. Her mind was clear, clearer then it had been in months. She would give him the opportunity to explain himself and see what his intentions were. She would give him the chance to apologize and grovel at her feet. She smiled evilly, yes I like that idea.

***

Buffy walked down the steps into the garden of the mansion. Her heart was pounding furiously and her entire body felt like it was going to snap, she didn’t think she had ever been more nervous. She didn’t know why, this was Angel after all, someone that she had always felt comfortable and at ease with. But that had changed somewhere along the line and she didn’t feel comfortable with anyone anymore, not even herself.

Looking around the overgrown weeds and the empty fountain, she remembered the last time she had sat here. It was right after Graduation Day. After she watched him walk away through the smoke, she had turned and walked away in the opposite direction, leaving Xander calling out to her.

She had come here sat down and cried her heart out. Cried for the unfairness of it all, cried for them. She had stayed here for hours, walking around the house, sleeping in his bed dreaming that he was there beside her. But he wasn’t and she had ended up leaving and never stepping foot here again.

She walked into the living room and gazed at the fireplace. Memories of the two of them sitting there, cuddling, talking, laughing, sharing forbidden kisses, hit her like a freight train and she felt overwhelmed. She quickly turned her head as the last day she was in front of the fireplace played over in her mind.

She closed her eyes as her body quickly became heated with the image of them pressed close together, his fangs in her throat, the incredible orgasm she had experienced. She blew out a long slow breath; she hadn’t had an orgasm like that since…her eyes opened, since the dream the other night.

She cleared her head and walked toward the bedroom. Slowly she opened the door and walked inside. It was just as she remembered. The thick black velvet curtains still hung on the window shielding the room from the bright sunrays that threatened to spill in. For Buffy stepping into this room was like being home.

The bed was the same big welcoming bed that she remembered. She looked closer taking a step further into the room; there was someone there under the covers. Her blood began to boil her eyes became slits. He brought his lover with him! Was he mocking her?

She stepped around to the other side and was surprised to see the serene sleeping face of Dawn. She cocked her head to the right, what was Dawn doing here and what was she doing in his bed? Was Dawn his new lover? Inwardly she cringed at the notion but logically her mind knew that she was just being irrational and jealous, her normal feelings where Angel was concerned.

But then what was Dawn doing here. She scowled again, maybe she heard that he was here and came to tattle on her like the others had.

Dawn moaned and shifted in her sleep and Buffy watched as she started to mumble.

“Not me…not real…”

Her eyebrow lifted. So Dawn found out that she was the key and, like Buffy had done many times herself, she came here for comfort and answers.

“Key…not real…” Dawn continued to murmur restlessly.

Buffy looked at her and felt a pull on her heart. Dawn was just a young girl with dreams of her own she couldn’t control what she had been and what she was now. This was her sister it was her responsibility to care for her, both as her flesh and blood and also as the Slayer.

She started to feel guilty for the way she had treated her and what she was coldly going to do. Her checks unconsciously reddened as shamed filled her. It was weird it was like the veil had been lifted from her eyes and she could finally see. Her heart suddenly softened toward her sister and a small smile came to her lips.

Sitting gingerly on the bed she touched Dawn’s forehead, trying to sooth her nightmares. “Shhhh”.

Dawn thrashed more and her voice became louder “No…BUFFY STOP!”

Buffy lowered her voice and spoke softly to her. “Shhh Dawnie it’s okay I won’t hurt you.” She continued to stroke her hair until she was violently tackled from behind and she landed on the floor with a growling Spike sitting on top of her.

“You bet your pretty little ass you won’t!” Spike said, ready to kill her if he had too.

Dawn sat up looking at them on the floor. “Buffy…Spike, what’s going on?” Sleepy confusion was all over her face.

Buffy snarled at Spike, “get off of me!”

He sat down harder on her pressing her shoulders into the floor. “No way Blondie, you’re not hurting her.”

She rolled her eyes at him, “Spike I’m not going to hurt her!”

“Yeah right, that’s why she was yelling at you to stop!”

“She was having a nightmare you ass!” She shouted at him.

Spike didn’t get a chance to refute that because there was a loud angry growl that came from the doorway and he was suddenly picked up from the collar of his shirt and thrown across the room.

He landed hard against the wall and the lamp rattled off the table hitting him on the head. “God damn it!” He shouted as he felt his head.

Buffy’s heart lurched in her chest at the sight of Angel/Angelus, she didn’t know anymore but it didn’t matter, the sight still made her pulse quicken with lust. He stood above her his tall and imposing figure blocking her view from anything else. He was in full game face and his feral growls were a clear indication that he was not happy.

His eyes scanned her body for any sign of injuries. Satisfied that there weren’t any, he turned away and stalked over to Spike. Picking him up he slammed him against the wall.

“What are you doing William?” he sneered at him.

He had come home from Giles’s apartment and immediately heard the yelling and smelt his mate. He ran into the room at full speed ready to kill whatever it was that threatened her. What he found instead was Spike sitting astride her with his body pressed into hers, and the demon took over.

“What am I doing? What the bloody hell are you doing?” Spike yelled back at him.

Angel slammed his head back into the wall, making a dent. “Didn’t I tell you not to touch her!”

Spike couldn’t believe this; the Pouf thought he was trying to get one over on her. If he weren’t so mad he would laugh. “God damn it, I was protecting Dawn! She was trying to kill her again!”

Buffy finally stood up and stomped her foot on the floor, making the tables rattle again with the force. “I was not trying to kill her she was having a nightmare!”

Angel calmly looked over at Dawn without releasing Spike. “Dawn, are you okay? Were you having a nightmare?”

Buffy was flabbergasted he didn’t believe her! She walked over to them and tried to grab his arm to turn him around to look at her, but he wouldn’t budge. So she yelled at him instead. “What you believe him over me?”

He ignored her and waited for Dawns answer. “Dawn?”

“I don’t believe this!” Buffy threw her hands up in the air and turned around walking over to the window staring out angrily, mumbling about the injustice of it all.

“No, I’m alright Angel.” Dawn’s scared eyes fluttered over to Buffy’s stiff form. “I was having a nightmare.”

Angel released Spike and Buffy spun around pointing her finger at him. “Ah ha see I told you…but you wouldn’t believe me no you rather take the word of a fangless demon!”

He ignored her and walked over to Dawn. Now that he knew Buffy wasn’t in danger, Dawn was his next priority. He didn’t want her scared and running. His face shifted back to his human features and he spoke softly to her. “You sure your alright Dawnie?”

She smiled at him, “Yeah I’m okay Angel she wasn’t trying to hurt me.” She looked at Buffy who was too busy staring daggers at Spike to notice her.

Spike stormed over to Buffy, not appreciating the comments thrown his way. “Hey I am not fangless!”

“Humpf…fangless…chock full of government hardware, whatever! The point is that you lost your balls buddy!” She sneered at him.

He sputtered his anger, “I DID NOT LOSE MY BALLS YOU CRAZY NIT!”

She sneered at him as she craned her neck to the side, tempting him to do what he couldn’t do. “Yeah so go ahead…bite me! C’mon Spiky…I fucking dare you!”

His face reddened. “You BITCH! I’ll show you who’s got balls!” Completely forgetting about whom else was in the room he grabbed her by the shoulders and moved in to take what she offered, ready to accept whatever pain he was hit with, just to prove her wrong.

But he never got the chance, as he was hit hard from behind and he fell to the floor in an unconscious heap. “SPIKE!” Dawn screamed as she scrambled off the bed and to his side.

Buffy laughed at his still figure, “oh big tough guy now eh Spiky!”

Angel snarling roughly grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of the room and outside to the garden where he slammed the doors shut. “Buffy what the hell are you doing?”

The demon was roaring at him to punish her and kill Spike. She needed to learn that a master vampire’s mate does not brazenly offer her neck to another vampire. The only reason he wasn’t tying her up right now and killing Spike was because he knew that she had taunted him and poor Spike took the bait.

Buffy looked at him once again shocked by his reaction. “What! What am I doing? I came here to talk to you and what do I find? I find my sister in YOUR BED and an asshole accusing me of trying to kill her, and you believing him! So the question is what the hell are you doing?” She took the righteous anger route it always worked before and she was too riled up to think logically.

Angel crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to keep from reaching out for her. She looked so beautiful in her anger and she smelt so good. And he was just as riled up as she was, but he had to think rationally here because it was obvious that she wasn’t.

“Dawn heard your mother and Giles talking and she was upset so she came here. And yes I told Spike to watch over her, because you tried to kill her!”

Buffy huffed and spun around. “I wasn’t going to kill her.”

“Yeah well your mother and Giles believed that you were and can you blame them? Your behavior lately has been appalling.”

She spun around, “my behavior has been appalling.” She mimicked him and he growled at her disrespect. “Who are you Giles?” Then she got mad and walked over to him, “Besides you know damn well why my behavior has been appalling! It’s your fault!”

They stood there staring fixated on each other. Her eyes were a bright angry green and he was staring at her deeply and apologetically. He lifted his hand to touch her face but she took a step back. She had to think clearly for this and she couldn’t do that with him touching her. His eyes clouded over with pain by her actions and he sighed, sitting down on the bench.

“Buffy I don’t want to fight with you. Can we start over please? No fighting, no shouting just two mature adults talking.”

“Oh is that what I am? I thought I was a selfish little brat!” She sneered as she sat down on the fountain.

She really knew how to push his buttons; he stood up angrily, “Well you sure know how to act like one!”

She stood up, “Gee so sorry I’m not your older mature girlfriend! Why don’t you go talk to her!” she screamed at him.

He threw his hands up in the air. “You know I didn’t mean any of those things and yet here you are proving me wrong, showing me the mature person you can be!”

“You know what I am a mature person, I go to college now I’m learning psychology, I have a mature college boyfriend…” he growled at the reminder but she just continued with her tyrant, “…I can be rational and logical, it’s just you…” she jammed him with her finger, “…that brings out the worst in me!”

He grabbed her finger when she would have pulled it away. He held it there for a second just staring into her eyes. Her words invoked the images that Whistler had showed him and his eye twitched and his growls became louder.

Buffy could see that he was fighting for control. She knew him so well that it wasn’t hard to figure out what he was thinking. She smiled sweetly at him wanting nothing more then to torture him and make him suffer. “What’s the matter, don’t like to hear about my nice normal college boyfriend?”

“Buffy...” His soft voice was a warning that she didn’t heed.

She pulled her finger out of his grasp. “The boyfriend that you wanted me to have lover?”

His hands were clenched into fists at his side and his eyes glowed red with his effort to remain in control.

She leaned in closer to his already shifted face. Talking sweetly to him she let her fingers trail down between her breasts. She lowered her voice and spoke huskily. “Do you know that I let him fuck me in the graveyard the other night…real hard against a tree. I still have the scratches on my back…it was sooo good…”

She closed her eyes and licked her lips but didn’t get to finish. He grabbed her roughly, spun around and slammed her up against the house. “ENOUGH!” He yelled in her face. His red eyes drilled into hers demanding that she cease. He shook her and slammed her back again. Her chest rose and fell with every erratic breath she took, and she looked more beautiful to him now than she ever had.

Maybe it was the images of her fucking Riley or maybe it was the way that her eyes seemed to scream at him to take her. Either way the floodgates that held back their passion broke free. He growled hungrily and she groaned at the sound as he attacked her mouth savagely and the demon’s need to dominate her took over.

Brutally he kissed her taking her tongue roughly into his mouth and sucking on it hard. His elongated fangs scraped her tongue in his ferocity and her rich blood trickled into his mouth. He groaned and pushed his hard cock into her crotch.

Buffy moaned back and wrapped her arms around his neck hanging onto him desperately, reveling in his ruthless actions.

When he felt her body respond and smelt her desire, he softened his touch and gentled his kisses. He didn’t want to take her in anger, she had had too much of that lately. He wanted to take her slow, and lovingly worship her body and soul, prove to her that he loved her and no one else.

Buffy groaned frustrated by the sudden change of pace and she pawed his back trying to get him to go on with his assault. But he continued to gently nip at her lips and softly rub her back. He began to purr, something he would do in the past to calm her down, and it worked now, as her rapid breathing slowed and her angry desperate paws turned to gentle caresses.

He pulled away from her lips and looked at her. She had such a bewildered expression on her face. She looked like she was somewhere between heaven and hell, and he totally agreed with her.

He lifted his hand and cupped her cheek tenderly caressing it. She opened her eyes and looked back at him dazedly.

“As much I want to be inside of you right now I think we need to talk first.” He panted heavily, as the demon yelled at him for denying them this pleasure.

Talk what was he nuts, Buffy didn’t want to talk she wanted him to keep touching her. She wanted him to take her here in the garden. She wanted to lose herself in the toe curling passion that he created in her. But her mind snapped her out of her haze and reminded her of how easily he could shred her apart and the reason she was here.

She nodded at him, unable to speak and he released her. He took a step back giving her space, and she took it by walking around him and sitting back down on the fountain. Angel sat once again on the bench, his hands on his knees. They each sat in silence trying to regain their composure.

After a few minutes Angel cleared his throat. “So you said you came here to talk, what do you want to talk about?” It was a stupid question but he had to start somewhere.

He smirked as her delicate eyebrow raised a notch and her spirited personality sprang into gear. “That’s a pretty vague question don’t you think?”

He shrugged, “there’s a lot of questions that I’m sure you want to know the answers too, where do you want to start?”

Okay, jump right in that’s always the best way to go. So she asked the question that most plagued her. “What’s with the dreams?”

“The dreams were created by the Powers so that I could explain to you my actions and to ask for your forgiveness.”

“Why? What do they care?” She didn’t believe him.

He stood up and started pacing. “Because I fucked up Buffy. When you came to me that day, I wasn’t supposed to send you away. I was supposed to come back with you. We were supposed to be together again. But in my blind steadfast resolve to do the right thing for you I did the opposite.”

He stopped pacing and turned to her. “I am not proud of what I did; in fact I’m completely and totally ashamed of lying to you the way that I did. But I did it because I couldn’t stand your tears and your pleading it was killing me. I wasn’t able to give you what we both wanted. So I sent you home thinking that I was doing the right thing.”

“So what you’re saying is that everything you said to me that day was a lie just to send me home for my own good.” He nodded at her.

It was what he already told her in the dream and by the agitation in his body and the sound of his self-incriminating voice she could easily believe him. Plus it really was just typical Angel bullshit.

He turned and looked at her, “I did tell you all that in the dream, but you didn’t believe me, not that I blame you, I wouldn’t believe me either, but it’s the truth.”

“So why create the dreams, I don’t get it, I thought the Powers didn’t want us together?”

“I thought the same thing, but it turns out that we were both wrong. Whistler came to see me; he told me how everything that has happened was supposed to happen, except me throwing you out.” He sat back down across from her on the bench. He steepled his fingers together and rested his chin on them watching her intently. Her eyes wandered around the garden like she didn’t want to look at him.

“Graduation Day…” He said and her eyes snapped to his, darkening with the memory. His voice was gruff as he spoke the memory touching him as well. “It was supposed to go down like that. I was supposed to drink from you…it…it started the chain of events to seal my soul.”

She stood up abruptly and turned her back on him. She didn’t want him to see how deeply affected she was by the reminder of that day. She willed her body to relax and calm down knowing that he would be able to sense any chemical shifting in her body.

But it was already too late and he was smugly smirking behind her. “You can wipe that smirk off your face Angel.” She admonished him and he did quickly.

She spun back around to face him. “What kind of chain events?”

Slowly he started to tell her everything that Whistler had told him. At the end of his story he was sitting back on the bench closely watching her, waiting for her to say something.

Buffy’s mind was racing a mile a minute. Everything was a lie. Everything that she had been torturing herself with for the past six months was a lie. She was mad. Mad as hell. Mad at him, mad at the Powers that they played these games. Everything could have been so simple if they had known about these things. But no, the Powers seemed fit to just let everything play out the way that it had. And had only stepped in when it concerned matters that they thought were important, so typical.

“Buffy?” he asked, because she hadn’t said a word.

She turned away from him, “I don’t know what to say.” She sounded mad and dejected.

“I understand you’re mad and confused.”

“Mad and confused… “, She spun around to face him. “…Angel my life has been a living hell for the past six months! I‘ve tried to kill my sister and Riley, not to mention the fact that I’ve been nothing but a bitch to everyone else and now I’m supposed to just what…suck it all up and go back to being little miss perfect slayer!”

He stood up and took a step closer to her. “Buffy I know things have been hard on you, it’s been hard on me too.”

“Yeah right hard on you, why Angel, you got what you wanted…me out of your life, your soul is bound and now you’re free to be with your mature girlfriend whenever you want! No the only person that got a raw deal out of this was me.”

“What you think my life has been all roses and sunshine these last months? You think I’ve just been happily moving along and not dying with guilt for the way I treated you.” He stomped over to her and grabbed her by the shoulders pulling her closer to him. “I LOVE YOU! I always have! You’re the one girl in all the world that I’ve ever loved!”

Her mind rebelled against his declaration as her heart filled with warmth. “And you have such a great way of showing it! Face it Angel you don’t love me!”

Angel knew she was stubborn but now she was just being irrational again, letting her pain control what she knew was true. “You think I’m making this all up?”

She looked at him with dispirited eyes. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.” she said softly. “I used to believe in a lot of things. But things change, for all I know you’re just saying these things because that’s what the Powers want.”

He shook her. “God damn it Buffy! I don’t a give a shit what they want anymore. I’m here because of you! I’m here because it was your love that bound my soul. I’m here to make things right between us! I only care about you and us! I love you and I want my life to be with you.”

She looked into his eyes and tried to ascertain if he was telling the truth, but her heart and soul were so shattered she didn’t know what to believe. “I don’t know what I want.” She stepped back and he let her.

“I don’t know if I can trust you.” She halfhearted laughed. “Ironic isn’t it, you used to be the only person I could trust, funny how things change.” She took another step back.

He took a step closer to her. “Buffy you can trust me. I want only what’s best for you and for us. I love you baby and I’m not going anywhere until you realize that.”

She really wanted to believe him, every part of her called out for him but her mind was still blasting her with images of the pain and the heartache. “What about your girlfriend?” She shakily asked.

He briefly thought of Kate but decided that it was best if he kept that to himself. She was unhinged at the moment, to reckless and confused, and he didn’t want to hurt her anymore. His eyes softened, “Buffy there is no girlfriend. I only told you that so you would move on.”

“Yeah well congratulations, it worked.”

He stepped up to her pulling her body against his body. He leaned down and spoke softly and seductively, “Buffy, I know you still love me. I felt it in the dreams. I feel it now, how your heart pounds when I’m near.” He took a whiff. “You can’t hide your passion from me I can smell it.”

She looked like a deer caught in headlights. “I can’t deny that I want you Angel. But I don’t know if I can let you in again. It’s too hard, there’s so much pain. “

She spoke so softly and scared that he just wanted to wrap her up in his arms forever. “There doesn’t have to be baby. Give me a chance to show you. Let me love you again the way you should be loved.” He went to kiss her, but she stepped out of his embrace, her face a tortured look of pain and uncertainty. He knew she was going to run.

“Buffy please don’t leave let’s talk about this some more…please, give me a chance give us a chance.” He pleaded with her desperate to make her stay with him.

“I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore, I have to think.” She left, running up the stairs and out of the garden.

He stood there watching her leave and lowered his head. He had really messed things up this time. And he didn’t know if he could fix it. He angrily kicked a potted plant and roared into the night, as it shattered against the wall.

“She’ll come around Angel.”

He spun around to see Dawn standing in the doorway. She looked sad and a little shaken. He calmed himself down; he didn’t want to scare her anymore.

Dawn stepped outside. “She’s upset and afraid, she’s just lashing out.”

He smiled at her and he sat down on the bench holding out his arm to her. She ran over and sat down next to him cuddling in close to his side. He breathed in deeply and was rewarded with Dawn’s fresh innocent scent. She smelt like Buffy and he was dumbfounded that she could ever think she wasn’t a part of her sister.

“I don’t know Dawn, I really screwed up. I don’t know if I would trust me again.”

“You know one time I was following Willow and Buffy on patrol and I heard Buffy say that if a person didn’t have fights and hardships in a relationship than that wasn’t love, because that’s where all the passion came from.” She snuck a peek up at him to see him watching her intently. “She has that with you, you know. She never argued or was so stubborn with Riley.”

He smiled at her warmly and kissed her head squeezing her tightly. She reminded him so much of Kathy. “How did you get to be so smart?” He asked her smiling.

She smiled and shrugged back, “It’s in my blood.”

Chapter Sixteen