Epilogue

Breath of Life

 

 

“It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another,

it is one damn thing over and over.”

Edna St. Vincent Millay

 

 

 

 

Buffy and Cordy sat quietly talking outside in the garden patio. They sat around the water fountain, enjoying the last remnant of the warm summer evening before the sun rose.

 

Buffy still couldn’t believe how easy she found it, talking to the brunette; the conversation flowed out freely and warmly.  Openly.   She never thought she would feel a sister-camaraderie with Cordy, but she did and it was even stronger than what she felt with Willow. Odd.

 

She knew it was because she still harbored some resentment toward her former best friend and she honestly didn’t know if she would ever truly get over her strong emotions. But she had at least come to terms with it.

 

She and Willow had talked about everything. It was a nice and long conversation one that flipped back and forth from laughter then to tears,. In the end they resolved many of the issues that they each had been harboring, either knowingly or not.  They knew that they loved each other but they also knew that they needed some space away from each other. 

 

So Willow and Tara stayed at the dorms more often after that and explored their new relationship further. Buffy was perfectly okay with that because she had her own relationship to explore, one that demanded her attention, and she was thankful for the time away. They still talked quite frequently and when they did their talks were deeper as they shared with each other their thriving relationships with their partners.

 

It was nice and for Buffy it was like a new beginning.

 

Everything was a new beginning and for the first time in her life she actually felt somewhat normal. Well as normal as a girl could feel with a very strong and very powerful demon living inside of her.

 

She stared off for a moment, as a moment of silence stretched out between the two women, and she contemplated all that had happened to her in such a short period of time. 

 

Two month’s had passed since they’d defeated Glory and saved the world, saved Dawn.  Since that time so much had happened that Buffy still felt as if she was living in an everlasting whirlwind of endless contentment and happiness.

 

The one pothole along the way, was the unavoidable and long over due burial of her beloved mother. It had been the hardest thing in the world that she had to do, as Slayer or as a woman. 

 

Woman.

 

She could do that now; call herself a woman, because in the past months that was exactly what she had become.

 

Her role in this world had changed…two fold.  She had grown up.  Become something that she had always hoped she would be, but never fully felt she was capable of becoming. But like most things in her life, change was associated with duty and she took her duty very seriously. Responsibilities, that sometimes tore her in two with its cruel tasks.

 

It was up to her to tell Dawn about Joyce. And she had.  With tears in her own eyes, she held on to Dawn as she cried for hours her body shaking uncontrollably from the pain the devastating loss of their mother had created.

 

Like the woman she needed to be, Buffy kept her own grief at bay, giving her sister all the attention and loving support that she needed as she stalwartly held on to Dawn until she finally cried herself to sleep.

 

It was only afterwards in the still of the night, safely encased in the arms of her demon lover, that she was finally and completely able to let go.

 

Angel had held her just as she had held Dawn, stroking her heaving body with comforting strokes from his tender hands.  He spoke no words, instinctively knowing that she didn’t need them, and instead he was just…there. 

 

It was his supporting strength, that he gave generously and without question, that gave her both physical and mental-soul support she needed to help her get through the burial, helped her be there for Dawn. Helped her to keep on…living.

 

God she loved him.

 

And though at times the strength of their bond and all that the bond entailed was a bit scary – like tonight , she still couldn’t believe Angel’s coldness and total lack of remorse for almost killing Xander and the fact that she really wasn’t that pissed off about it – she would not give it up for anything in the world. Nothing, could take him from her just as nothing could take her away from him.

 

They were truly one essence –flesh to flesh and soul to soul – and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

A star twinkled up in the sky, and she smiled, her mind imagining that it was Joyce winking at her from the heavens above.  Oddly, it reassured her that she had made the right decision when she decided to sell the house on Revello Drive.

 

It had just felt right. 

 

That part of her life was over. The once cozy home now felt empty without Joyce there and neither she nor Dawn wanted to stay.  So they sold it and immediately moved into the mansion.

 

It was home now and they both loved it, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world. Well at least when they were in Sunnydale.  For Buffy the only thing that really mattered was that Angel was still there with her.

 

Of course he wasn’t always there.  Most of the time he traveled back and forth to LA, when Wesley or Cordy would call and tell him of the evil that was brewing there. Then he was off only returning when the evil was vanquished.  Those times weren’t as hard as Buffy thought they would be and she had the Bond to thank for that.

 

Because no matter where he was, no matter how many miles separated them, they were still together. They would still be able to fight evil together, mentally of course, but it was the same thing, they received the same physical awareness as they did when they were actually together.

 

The nights when he stayed in LA were some of the most erotic and sensual nights that Buffy experienced.  Having sex but not really having sex held so much stimulation that it was baffling. Sometimes, when they were together they would do it that way anyway, just to explore the bond further, to learn just how far they could actually go…how much pleasure could actually be had.

 

The whole thing was almost too much for one girl to take, on her own at least, and Buffy had taken advantage of the new found comfort zone she felt with Cordy and told her of the bond and those steamy nights of virtual-mental sex.

 

Cordy for her part was like a kid in the candy shop. She soaked it all up like a sponge, like she was reading one of those erotic vampire novels, and asking questions here and there along the way.

 

It was what led them out here now.  Cordy was unsure if she should continue this flirtation she had going on with Spike.

 

Buffy pretty much told her the same thing Angel did, except she threw in all the perks one got from sleeping with a vampire. At the end Cordy was practically panting like a bitch in heat. And Buffy suppressed her girlish giggle as her keen sense of smell picked up on the cheerleader’s heightened body temperature.

 

Yes a lot had changed. And though there were many rough patches along the way, Buffy knew that all of these changes were good ones. And she was actually extremely excited to see what happened next.

 

There was a sudden shift in the wind, a cool breeze settled over the garden and both women inadvertently shivered. 

 

“Where did that come from?” Cordy said as her eyes scanned the night and her hands rubbed her goose pimpled arms.

 

“I don’t know.” Buffy soft voice carried across the cool breeze, almost echoing.

 

“Weird, it must be like 85 degrees out here.” Cordy mused.

 

Buffy nodded in agreement, her instincts telling her that something was on the way, and then they both headed back inside.

 

As she closed the patio doors, Buffy turned around a smile graced her features as she took in the warm and homey scene that greeted her.

 

Spike and Angel sat facing each other before the fire. A table was in between them as they played cards, a glass of the finest Irish whiskey - at least that’s what Angel said - sat in front of them on the table. Cordy sat perched on the arm of Spike’s chair, leaning into him. She rested her arm on the back of his chair as she looked at the cards he held in his hand.  Spike acknowledged her presence with a wink and a grin.

 

She looked to the right and the dimly lit back corner of the room. Bookshelves lined the walls from the floor to the ceiling, all containing rare books on mythology and demons, all of which belonged to Angel. Giles had been mesmerized when he helped Angel remove them from storage, giving them a home there on the shelf.  

 

She suspected that it was Angel’s clever way of avoiding Giles’ questions about Riley, which were many.  She didn’t blame him.  She knew that what happened with Riley was something that they would keep to themselves; it was better that way, for everyone.  She had forgiven Angel for his deed; at least after she made him beg for forgiveness in the sweetest and most wicked of ways, over and over again.

 

Smiling with the memory, she wasn’t surprised to see Giles still there. All questions about Riley completely erased from his mind with the plentitude of ancient books to keep him occupied.

 

He sat in a tall leather chair, his nose firmly encased in some book on demonology that had completely engrossed him since they returned from the hospital. 

 

She smiled, he looked like the patriarch figure of the misfits that surrounded him; it suited him well. And she knew he liked it because to Rupert ‘Ripper’ Giles, Watcher of the Vampire Slayer, they were all his children; mortals, slayers and vampires alike.

 

It was just how he was.

 

It was just what they had all become…family.

 

She felt a warmth seep through her and she turned bright contented eyes to her baby. 

 

Angel winked at her then inclined his head. She smiled, and walked over to him.  Sitting much the same way Cordy was, she offered him her lips when he turned to greet her and he gently took them, kissing them lightly, then winking at her again before he turned back to the hand he and Spike were playing.

 

It was kind of strange to see the two former nemeses so cordial with each other.  Looking at them now no one would ever suspect that at one time they wanted nothing more than to kill each other.   It was the bond, Angel had explained to her when she asked. 

 

He told her that he and Spike always had a connection to each other but for some reason since he bonded with Buffy, that connection seemed to expand into something deeper.  He said he didn’t know the reason why and neither did Spike. They just accepted it for what it was and that was it.  

 

For her it was just another piece of the circle coming together.  It just felt right to her too. Everything just seemed…perfect. The only thing that was lacking was the presence of Dawn, who was staying at a friend’s house for the night.

 

The waning fire cast the room in a cozy warm glow of amber and heated it to a comfortable temperature taking the slight chill of the old stone mansion out of the air.

 

It was quiet, except for the crackling of wood, the sound of old pages carefully being turned and the flip of a card as it landed on the wood table.

 

She sighed, yes life was indeed good.

 

Until the sound of the back door opened followed by the sound of it slamming shut.

 

The bodies that had just been relaxed were now tense and looking at each other.

 

“Is that Dawn?” Cordy asked looking at Buffy.

 

“No, she’d call me if she was coming home.”

 

Lazy, heavy footsteps were heard walking down the hallway, scuffing against the Oriental rug as they came closer to the living room.  They all stood up ready to face whatever it was that intruded upon their idyllic evening.

 

The tension broke as the figure emerged, smiling from ear to ear and tipping his hat at them.

 

“Oh, bloody hell can’t a demon ever get a rest!” Spike sat as he sat down and pierced the newest arrival with an annoying glare.

 

“Nice to see you too Pumpkin.” Whistler said as sauntered in the room and walked over to the table where Angel and Spike were playing cards.

 

“Whistler, what are you doing here?” Giles asked as he stood up, carefully placing the book down on the table by his chair.

 

Whistler went to pick up Angel’s glass but found his hand being slapped away. He looked at the Vampire, with a question in his eyes. “What? Am I not a friend? Doesn’t an esteemed guest like myself deserve a taste of some of that fine Irish Whiskey that you stock?”

 

Angel peered back at him through narrowed eyes. “That depends.”

 

“On what?”

 

“On why you’re here.”

 

Whistler chuckled, and then quickly grabbed the glass before Angel could stop him. He took two steps back and leaned against the fireplace, drinking down his pilfered booze as Angel and Spike glared at him.

 

Buffy couldn’t help but smile at his antics. She had always liked Whistler, she always felt a strange connection to him.  It was like he was supposed to be a part of their lives, and perhaps always was. Having him here now, in the belly of their family, just seemed…right.

 

“Nice to see you haven’t changed shorty.” Spike commented, watching as Whistler quickly put the empty glass down then swiped Spike’s right from under his nose.

 

“You mean he’s always had bad taste in clothes?” Cordy asked as she sat back down next to Spike, who chuckled at her comment.

 

Whistler smiled at them, taking no offense to their comments as he placed the other empty glass down. Then he pulled on his suit and straightened his stance.

 

Angel just watched him he wasn’t sure he should trust the wily demon, so he kept his hooded gaze on him, trying to figure him out.

 

Leave him be Angel. He’s not here to hurt us.

 

How can you be sure?

 

I just…am

 

“I see you two kids have the bond under control, well to some degree. That’s good. Faster than we thought you would, but then again I was always rooting for ya.”

 

Giles came forward, “Whistler perhaps you would be so kind as to inform us as to why you are here?”

 

Whistler smiled, “Right you are old man. Well it’s simple really…”

 

“Does he always start off with that grossly false statement?”

 

Giles asked, looking at Angel who smirked. Giles hit it right on the head, because nothing was ever simple when it came to Whistler.

 

Whistler ignored them and went on.

 

“It’s time,” he stated matter-of-factly to five blank faces.

 

“Time for what, Whistler?” Angel quietly asked, his body taut with anticipation of the bomb that he just knew was about to drop.

 

“Time for you to buy your own booze?” Spike asked sardonically, smirking as he did.

 

“Oh I know!  It’s time for a new wardrobe!” Cordy added with a smile on her face.

 

Spike snickered, “That’s a good one luv.”

 

Buffy chuckled with their antics. Giles stood stone still, his face showing no mirth whatsoever, in fact his aura pretty much resembled Angel’s…neither one trusted the demon.

 

Sensing Angel’s growing agitation, she lifted her hand and rubbed his back and shoulders, trying to calm him.

 

“Whistler, unless you want to become another piece of dead wood crackling away in our fireplace, I think you should just spit it out.  Time for what?” She asked.

 

Whistler smiled at Buffy, taking a step away from the fireplace as he did. “Good point. It’s time for you two to pack up your stuff and come with me.”

 

“Where are we going?”  There was a decisive chill in Angel’s voice as he spoke low; his steely gaze never leaving the other demon’s smiling conniving face.

 

“To a land, far…far…away.”

 

Angel stood up; he was tired of playing the demon’s games.

 

“Angel, calm down,” Buffy softly said on a deep sigh.

 

He ignored her and approached the demon, his features shifting. “Whistler, I’m through playing with you…”

 

“Oh relax Mr. Bad Ass. Geez, you’d think with all the sex this guy’s been getting he’d be in a much nicer mood.”

 

Spike guffawed with the demon’s comments, which drew Angelus’ hard gaze to him.

 

“L.A.  Angel, just back to LA.” Whistler quickly added knowing that the demon’s patience was wearing thin.

 

“Why? Is there something going on? Wesley hasn’t called.” Giles said.

 

“It’s not that there’s something going on there.  It’s that there’s something going on here.”

 

Spike snorted. “That’s no surprise Shorty.  It’s the Hellmouth; there’s always something going on.”

 

“Exactly my point.”

 

They all looked at him with growing impatience. “Whistler perhaps you should speak more specifically.” Giles said.

 

“Specifics, you want specifics?”

When Giles just nodded at him, Whistler shook his head. “I would have thought that after tonight’s events the specifics would have been very clear.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

Whistler looked around at all the stupefied faces that were blankly staring back at him.  “I can see that.  You know, you people can be really obtuse sometimes. I was sent here by the Powers That Be to collect these two…” he pointed to Angel and Buffy. “…and bring them back to LA. Once there we’ll start their official training of the Bond under my supervision.”

 

The room exploded in an angry uproar of voices.

 

“QUIET!”

 

Whistler’s voice boomed through the room, the walls rattled, the smell of brimstone filled the air, instantly shutting everyone up as they all looked at him in a new light. Except Spike and Angel, who were quite familiar with the demon’s quick temper and ways.

 

“Yeah, still the same old Whistler.” Spike commented shaking his head and trying to get the smell out of his nose.

 

Buffy was the first to speak as she stood up and stood next to Angel. “I don’t understand Whistler, why can’t we stay here in Sunnydale and train?  And why do you have to train us at all? You said yourself we were learning quickly. Besides, we have Giles and Wesley to help us.”

 

Giles’ chest puffed with pride at hearing her words, she smiled at him with love in her eyes and he smiled back.

 

Whistler saw the exchange and took it to heart. He turned to her and addressed her quietly and calmly. “Buffy, you are learning it quickly and the Powers are pleased, but tonight, things went too far. You’re too close to the Hellmouth and being that close is giving your demons too much control over you…too much power. You need to get away from it. Learn how to control it, then and only then can you come back.”

 

Buffy saw her whole world crashing down around her. She loved it here, she had finally made a real home here with her family, and she didn’t want to leave. “But it was an accident Whistler he didn’t mean to do it?” Ah, who was she kidding?

 

He smiled his affection for the Slayer showing in his warm gaze. “Kiddo, you know as much as I do that that isn’t true.”

 

“But…”

 

Angel turned away from them, deep in the dark thoughts that were spiraling through him. Whistler was right. The only thing that shocked Angel about tonight’s events was that he didn’t finish Harris off.  The lure had been strong, powerful, and the more he thought about what Whistler said the more it made sense.

 

He felt Buffy’s distress, and he felt the natural pull inside of him to comfort her, to put her at ease for what he knew had to be done.  He turned around and pulled her aside, grasping her face in his hands he looked down into shimmering pools of mossy green, she was on the verge of crying.

 

He lovingly smiled at her, “Shh…baby, don’t be sad. He’s right we can’t stay here; it’s not safe for us, our family or the world. You and I both know that we don’t have total control over this yet. We need to learn how to do that.”

 

She looked into his eyes and saw the truth that he had not spoken, the truth that she already knew.  He would have killed Xander tonight and she honestly didn’t know what had stopped him.  Her own response to what happened was a sign that she herself felt the darkness inside clawing away, trying to be free, trying to gain total control. Hadn’t she admitted how it had scared her? 

 

She lowered her head, her eyes closing as she turned and placed a sweet kiss on his palm.

 

“Okay.”

 

Angel smiled at her then kissed her gently on the lips.

 

Spike stood up. “Alright, I’ll get the DeSoto ready.”

 

“Where do you think you’re going tuff guy?” Whistler asked.

 

Spike turned around, “With them.”

 

There was no question about it.  He had gotten over any misgivings he might have had at how close he felt to the two of them now.  They were his family and where they went, he went.

 

But Whistler shook his head, “’Friad not buddy. You’re staying here where you’re needed. With the Slayer gone, who do you think is going to watch over the Hellmouth?”

 

Spike’s eyes bulged and he laughed. “Me? You’ve got to be kidding. I’m a demon Whistler… without a soul; I’m not like him… “, he pointed to Angel, “…I don’t do good.”

 

Spike was offended that the other demon thought he would just hang out here and do his good-deed biddings. He was William the Bloody, for God’s sake!

 

Whistler shrugged. “Why not?  You were helping the Slayer long before Angel came back into the picture.”

 

“Yeah well that was different, that was payback and nothing more.”

 

Buffy turned suspicious eyes to Angel.

 

Payback?

 

I’ll explain later

 

Whistler waved his hand at him.  “Look Spike, if you want everyone to keep thinking that you’re this bad ass vampire go right ahead, I don’t care.” 

 

He walked over to him, his face stern and the smell of brimstone once more permeated the air. “But stay you will.  There’s no asking here Spike. It’s a command; one that has no room for arguments.”

 

Spike’s face shifted, his pride ruffled, he growled and took a step forward, only to be stopped by Angel’s one word warning.

 

“Spike.”

 

Spike looked at him. The tone said it all, so did the vibe that bristled inside of him. Do it or deal with me. 

 

Infuriatingly resolved to his fate, Spike’s face shifted back and he walked over to his seat, pouring himself another drink. “Fine, whatever.”

 

Now that that was settled it was time for Giles to be insulted.

 

“See here Whistler, I resent you coming in here and pushing me out of the picture and taking over my charge. I have every right to help train my Slayer in this.”

 

“Oh stop your whining, you’re not getting pushed out of anything.” Whistler said.

 

Giles faced turned red, “I beg your pardon! Whining?”  His face turned even redder.

 

“I’m not pushing you out of anything.  This is the way things need to be.  Look you want what’s best for her right?”

“Of course I do!”

 

“Then this is it. Giles, think of it this way, you are the Watcher of the Vampire Slayer, are you not?” Whistler asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay, so think of me as the Watcher to the Slayer’s Demon self.  You have trained her human half to be the Slayer now it’s my turn to train her demon half. “

 

Giles stared back at him as he quickly gathered his thoughts.

 

He was ashamed to admit that he knew absolutely nothing about the incredible demon power that made his Slayer tick.  He had been researching it, going through his mentor’s notes, looking through Angel’s vast assortment of books, but there wasn’t much in there. He was still nearly as ignorant today as he was two months ago.  Meanwhile Whistler seemed to know it all.  

 

Giles had to admit the reasoning was sound, he knew that, yet that still didn’t stop him from feeling hurt, as if he was being replaced. Had he done wrong by his slayer? Had he failed in his duties as Watcher?

 

As if reading his mind Whistler spoke to him, his voice low and level...kind.

 

“You have nothing to be ashamed of Rupert. You’ve done a commendable and honorable job with training Buffy.  You’ve helped her to become the most powerful slayer ever to live and your hard work and love, is duly noted and appreciated.  However, you’ve done all you can for her now, it’s time to step back and let me take over. Besides you’re not entirely out of the loop; after all she is half human…”

 

He said it so disapprovingly that Buffy giggled.

 

 “…and she will most likely still need guidance, I mean we all know how many mistakes Humans make. But for now, this is the way things must be.”

 

With every word that Whistler said Giles’ feelings of failure were replaced with affectionate feelings of pride.  He looked over at Buffy and what he saw almost took his breath away.  

 

It wasn’t the big beautiful smile plastered on her face that made his heart fill with love, but rather the way that smile reached her eyes, brightly shining with the inner peace and love that she felt, things that he had never seen in her gaze before…ever. She was happy and content, finally settling into whom she was and what that meant to her future, and for Giles…that was everything.

 

There really wasn’t any question about it. Buffy’s happiness and her ability to control the darkness living inside of her was what was important, not his personal hang ups.

 

He looked away from her, feeling his eyes getting misty, he cleared his throat. “Well…Buffy’s well being must come first, so of course I agree.”

 

Whistler smiled at him, “I knew you would see things my way. Besides, it’s not like you won’t have a charge.”

 

“Ah? What do you mean?”

 

Whistler turned, his hand stretched out as he pointed to Spike who just took a drink of Whiskey, then promptly spurted it all out on when he noticed Whistler pointing at him.

 

“ME? Oh come on!” He indignantly shouted before slamming his glass down on the table.

 

He stood up, his arms angrily flaying about. “You have got to be kidding me! I don’t’ need a bloody Watcher!” 

 

He took two steps and was right in front of Whistler, leaning down he screamed in his face. “I’M A DEMON!”

 

Giles had to agree with him. Spike had no remorse for his crimes like Angel did. He had no soul like Angel did, and though he had hunted and killed many vampires and demons with them, he sure as well wasn’t a Slayer.  He didn’t do it for the good of the world. Frankly, Giles didn’t know why he did it all.

 

“Yes, um Whistler are you sure this is what is supposed to happen. I mean, doesn’t it seem out of sorts or rather unnatural? Spike is a vampire with no soul. If it weren’t for that chip I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could stake him.”

 

Spike shook his head up and down, agreeing with Giles and staring at the other demon.

 

“We all know what he is Giles and the circumstances that make him so useful to us now. The truth is the Powers don’t trust him…”

 

“Ah ha! Smart people them Powers.” Spike interjected, trying anything to get out of this but Whistler continued, his eyes showing his growing agitation with him as they turned a shade darker.

 

“…but he’s needed here. We can’t have the Hellmouth unguarded, and we can’t leave its protection up to mortals.  Spike is the only solution.  Besides, I have a feeling that when all is said and done, he won’t be complaining.”

 

Spike, Giles, and now Angel all looked at him suspiciously. Just what did he mean by that?

 

“And it’s not like you’re really his Watcher but more like a guide. You, along with the little witch, shall all help each other in protecting the Hellmouth.”

 

Before Spike could say anything again, Whistler turned on him, his eyes pitch black and peering intently into Spike’s.

 

 “As I said before there is no arguing or disobeying this decree. If you do not oblige, then the Powers will have no use for you at all, and believe me you don’t want them to think that…it would not be in your best interests.

 

Spike read it in his eyes, the flames of hell licking away in the demons iris, the smell of brimstone once more flowing through his head and nostrils, he couldn’t avoid it.  He snarled, he was trapped…like a rat.

 

He spun away angry that he was once again a pawn in someone else’s game, and stormed up the stairs.

 

“Whistler?”

 

Buffy’s softly spoken voice drew the demon’s eyes back to her.

 

“What about Dawn?”

 

“She needs to stay here kid, I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear but it’s the way it has to be.  I’m not going to lie to you two, learning to hold back your inner demons isn’t going to be easy and it’s going to get real ugly. Eventually you will learn and it will become second nature. But in the beginning, it can be very brutal.”

 

He spoke with a far off voice, almost as if he was remembering something and it made Buffy wonder, what else was there to this demon?

 

“She won’t be alone. Spike and Giles, even your friends, will be here for her. And if you want she can come to LA and visit you on the weekends.”

 

“If I want? You say that like I won’t want to see her.” Buffy keenly said.

 

Whistler just shrugged, leaving both Angel and Buffy wondering just where this new journey was going to take them.

 

 

***********

 

 

 

The following night they all stood outside saying their goodbyes.

 

After what Whistler revealed last night, Buffy had called Willow and told her what he said. She asked if Willow would move into the mansion and stay with Dawn. Willow had immediately agreed that both she and Tara would move into the mansion and live there.  Giles also decided that he needed to be closer at hand, so he moved out of his apartment and into the mansion.

 

Spike on the other hand had not been that easily swayed. He felt since he was being forced to stay behind and be The Power’s lackey then he should at least have some freedom and independence. He didn’t relish the idea of living with the witches and the Watcher; he wanted to retain some sort of privacy.

 

Angel disagreed.

 

It took Angel all day to finally get Spike to consent to move into the mansion, but that was only after a long and brutal fight that ended up with Spike on his back and one of Buffy’s stakes pressed against his heart.

 

While Angel and Spike settled their argument, Buffy headed out to do what she had been dreading since last night, and that was to talk to Xander.

 

She found him awake, sitting up and staring out of the window. 

 

When she walked in, he turned and looked at her.  His expression was guarded like he didn’t trust her. It caused several strong emotions inside of her. One was sadness that their friendship had finally come to this. The second was anger because she truly felt that he had no right whatsoever to look at her that way. After all, he was the one that had betrayed her time and time again.

 

She walked in stiffly, her own defenses up and securely in place for the heated conversation she was expecting.

 

Xander didn’t disappoint.

 

“He’s insane Buffy. You can’t trust him.”

 

She sat down next to him. “Xander, you don’t understand.”

 

“No, I understand perfectly. This bond, it’s no good Buffy can’t you see that? The only thing it’s done is make him a more powerful monster than he was before. He can’t be controlled and he can’t be trusted. He almost killed me Buffy!”

 

Her eyes flared dangerously. “That’s because you tried to kill him!”

 

“Yeah, because he was trying to kill you!” he shouted back.

 

Her face instantly reddened as she lowered her head, unable to meet his gaze. She was embarrassed to the core of her being to tell her friend what had really been going on.  Why couldn’t it have been Willow that walked in on them, hell even Dawn for that matter, either one of them would have made it a lot less awkward for her to explain it to than Xander…a guy.  At least Willow and Dawn would have romanticized what they saw as something beautiful, brutal but still beautiful. But to Xander it would be just disturbing.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed of Buffy. Pick your head up and hold it high with pride. You are a strong and beautiful woman who has strong passionate needs. There is nothing wrong with that.  Just because Harris is small minded doesn’t mean anything bad against you. It’s just his misgivings not yours. And if he can’t understand that then maybe he can’t be a part of your life anymore, our life.

 

She nodded her head, hearing Angel’s words in her mind – how he found the time to reassure her while he exchanged blows with Spike was a wonder to her - and letting the truth of them settle her uneasiness. 

 

He was right.  She had nothing to be ashamed about. This was her life now and if Xander could not accept that then there was no room for him in her world anymore. 

 

She looked up at him, her gaze clear. Her voice was calm and soft. She wasn’t asking for forgiveness she was simply telling him how it was. How it was always going to be.

 

“Xander, Angel wasn’t trying to kill me.  He wasn’t doing anything to me that I didn’t want him to do. You of all people should understand that. You’re girlfriend is an ex-demon doesn’t Anya’s appetites run a little bit on the darker side? Haven’t you experimented?

 

His eyes bulged and his mouth opened, then quickly closed.  Yes he had but he wasn’t going to admit that to her. Anya had an adventuresome appetite when it came to sex. Though he was more of a conventional lover, he had on occasion obliged her desire to do something kinky. He couldn’t deny – at least to himself - that he found it pleasurable and had enjoyed it, but it wasn’t something he craved and it was not something that he would ever share with anyone.  There was a part of him – Anya would call it his prude side – that thought it was dirty and unnatural, that it ridiculed the beauty of what making love was supposed to be about.  The fact that he had found some measure of gratification from it only made him feel shame, and there was no way he would admit that to Buffy. Besides what he had done with Anya was nowhere near as barbaric and disgusting as Buffy and Angel’s dalliance.  To Xander what he walked in on was just twisted and wrong, and the realization that Buffy actually received pleasure from what he thought of as a vicious bloody mess – more like two animals than two people - was a mystery to him.

 

He was seriously mortified by the whole thing and it showed on his face as he looked at her. Did he even know her anymore?

 

Buffy felt his condemnation and read the hypocrisy in his eyes and she got angry. Why did she ever think he would understand? She should have expected this reaction from him.  Xander was the perfect example of a person that lived with the credo of ‘do as I say and not as I do’?   His complete unwillingness to understand and even admit he own dabbling into kinky sex pissed her off. Well she didn’t let it stop her.  She didn’t give a shit what he said or what he thought about her.  What she had to say had to be said whether or not he wanted to hear it.

 

“Xander, I love Angel more than anything I have ever loved in my life. My heart, my soul, my body, they all belong to him, they always have and they always will.  No one understands more than me how much the bond has changed him Xander because it’s changed me too.  Maybe you haven’t seen that or maybe you have and just don’t want to admit it, but the truth is Xander that I’m more like him than you realize. “

 

His gaze lowered and he picked at the blanket that covered him.  But Buffy continued.

 

“I need him Xander and he needs me. We complete each other.  And the truth is, well, the truth is that he didn’t do anything last night that I didn’t want him to do.”

 

His eyes shot up, hard and glaring at her, blaming her.

 

“Oh that’s just great Buff.  So you want to kill me now too, is that it? I need to watch my back from you too not just him?”

 

Her eyes crossed as her temper flared. Angel’s words echoed in her head and she couldn’t help but agree. He really was small minded. He was self righteous. He was living in a reality that was based on nothing but what he thought was right and wrong. There was no grey area - unless of course it was something that Xander did or wanted - it was only black or white, and he refused to see any other side of that. It was bullshit and it made her even angrier.

 

She finally saw her friend for what he really was and she realized with a start that he had always been this way. She had been so consumed with the need to please him, to make him like her as a person that she hadn’t wanted to see it. And because of that misjudgment she never once took him to task for it. 

 

And who had paid the price?  Angel.

 

In all the years that the three of them had known each other Xander had always belittled Angel and put him down. And she, like a blind ninny never put Xander in his place for it. She had just stood by and let him debase the one person in the world that had truly understood her all along. She never once stood by her man and told Xander to fuck off, and she was ashamed.

 

How could Angel forgive her for that?

 

Because I love you, sweet

 

Inside she smiled, hearing his declaration, love filled her and all she wanted to do was grab on to him and cry.

 

On the outside, however, her gaze was hard and her voice unbending. The inner monologue between the lovers was completely unbeknownst to Xander.

 

“No Xander you don’t have to watch your back.  Look you walked in on us while we were doing something private okay? You had no business coming down to the basement but you did. And when you saw something that you didn’t like you assumed the worst of Angel because that’s what you always do. You’re so blinded with hatred because he’s a vampire that you have always been cruel and unjust toward him, and you have never ever trusted me. “

 

He looked away from her once more, he had the good sense to look ashamed but he didn’t admit it and he offered no word of apology.

 

Buffy sighed; saddened with the fact that he never would. “Just what were doing down there anyway?”

 

“I was looking for Willow. I just came in through the back door. I passed the basement door and heard sounds coming up from below. They sounded harsh and well, like you were in pain.”

 

He looked up at her.

 

“I thought something was happening to you Buffy, I was trying to help you.”

 

She smiled at him. She took his hand in hers and pressed her other hand on top of his. “I know Xander and I appreciate your concern. And I think that’s why you’re still alive. I think I sensed that which made Angel sense it and he stopped himself from killing you. He’s not uncontrollable Xander. The fact is that he would do anything I asked of him, well as long as it didn’t put me in jeopardy at least. He knew what I was thinking; he knows that I consider you my friend and that I love you. He felt in his soul the pain that I would feel were you to die. “

 

She smiled, the love she felt for Angel reflected in her eyes and Xander couldn’t help but give her a shy smile back.  It was hard for him to just let this be and accept his friend’s relationship with something that he had always loathed, something that he had always considered beneath her. He was not ignorant to what she felt for Angel he just always assumed that she would get over it and move on with her life.

 

He could see now that was never going to happen.  This bond had sealed her fate to the vampire for eternity, and while he would like nothing more than to break it, he understood the depth of it and knew that what he wished for was a dream that would never come true.

 

The question was, would he able to accept that.

 

She seemed to intercept his thoughts and before he could speak she did it for him.

 

“I know that right now that’s hard for you to accept and I’m sorry. I’m even sorrier to say that your feelings in this matter don’t concern me.”

 

The hard glint was back in his eyes as he looked at her. She ignored the pang that it caused; she had to speak what was in her heart.

 

“I know you think I’m being cold and I don’t know, maybe I am.  What I said doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or that I don’t want you to keep being my friend. It simply means that Angel and my commitment to him and our future is my priority. Not you. That’s the way I feel, that’s what I want, and that’s what I’m going to have. And I won’t apologize for that.”

 

She took a deep breath and continued.

 

“I’ve already talked to Angel and I told him exactly what I’m going to tell you know.  If you should decide to remain in my life - which I hope that you do because I don’t want to lose you as a friend - then you have to get over it.   You two will have to learn to be civil with each other. Because I’m not going to stand by anymore and watch you two snarl and throw barbs at one another, and I’m not going to tolerate anymore violence against each other. Do you understand me Xander? I’m sick of the lies, I’m sick of the doubts and mistrust. That part of my life is over.  You say Angel has changed, well so have I. And the new Buffy isn’t going to accept that crap anymore.”

 

He looked away from her and she softened her voice as she gently touched his cheek and turned his gaze back to her.

 

“I love you Xander, besides some things that have happened, you’ve been a good and loyal friend to me and I don’t want to lose that. Please think about everything I’ve said.”

 

His eyes glistened with the emotion that filled him hearing her words. He loved her too and he didn’t want to be pushed out of her life, he just still wasn’t sure if he’d be able to do what she asked.  He had a lot of thinking to do.

 

“I love you too Buffy, I just…I want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy.”

 

She smiled at him. “That’s just it Xander, I am…more than I ever have been in my life. The only thing that would make me happier is if you two could just get along.”

 

“I don’t know if I can do that Buff,” he quietly and sadly said.

 

Her eyes watered but the smile remained on her face. She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. When she pulled back she stood up, dropping his hand. “I know and whatever you decide I’ll understand.  Listen, I have to leave Sunnydale, we both are.”

 

His eyes bulged. “Why? Where are you going?”

 

“We have to go to LA.  Whistler is going to teach us how to control the bond. He says being so close to the Hellmouth gives our demons extra power, making it harder for us to control them.”

 

He nodded his understanding. Regardless of all the animosity he had been feeling he suddenly felt like he was losing his family.  “What about Dawn? Is she going too?” he quietly asked.

 

She smiled, “No she can’t come. She’ll stay here at the mansion. Willow, Tara and Giles are moving in, they’ll take care of her.” She didn’t think now would be a good time to tell him about Spike, so she didn’t.  “You are welcome to move in too, you and Anya, if you want.”

 

He smiled, feeling a bit better; at least one of the Summers women would still be around.  “I don’t know I’ll have to talk to Anya about that. But thank you for the offer.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me Xander; you’re family and family sticks together.”

 

After she left the hospital a feeling of closure entered her soul.  Though it had been hard to be so honest with him, it had been the right thing to do.

 

She hadn’t lied to him; she had told Angel the same thing when they got back from the hospital.  He had accepted everything she said begrudgingly, but accept it he did.  She hoped that Xander would too one day.

 

Now as they readied to leave, she had to face her next hurdle…leaving Dawn behind, and dealing with all the guilt that came with that. 

 

She walked away from Angel as he quietly talked to Spike and Giles, and took Dawn’s hand.

 

They walked down the driveway a bit and then stopped, turning Dawn toward her; Buffy took her in her arms and hugged her…tightly.

 

“Buff…y…can’t…breath…” Dawn sputtered out.

 

Buffy slowly released her after a second, a smile on her face and her eyes moist with tears. “Sorry, some times I forget my own strength these days.”

 

Dawn smiled back at her.

 

Buffy’s smile diminished as she looked at her sister. Joyce’s words that she had spoken to Buffy in the hospital repeated inside of her head, and the guilt that she felt at leaving her young sister behind tripled.

 

“I’m so sorry Dawn, I promised Mom I would take care of you and here I am leaving you alone, and under the protection of Spike no less.”

 

Dawn smiled at her and when she spoke the strength and surety in her voice surprised Buffy.

 

“It’s okay Buffy.  I understand and I’m okay with it. “

 

And she was.

 

When Buffy had initially told her she was leaving, she had been angry and upset. She had run away from her toward the quiet of the cemetery only to be followed by Spike. 

 

He had sat down next to her, put his arm around her, pulled her up against his side, and then told her that she would be okay and that he would always protect her because she was his family.  

 

It was a simple sentence spoken softly yet holding a deep and binding commitment to her. And that was all she needed to hear.

 

She cried as he held her, the future loss of her sister saddened her. She understood why Buffy had to leave but that didn’t mean she still couldn’t be sad about it. Verbally she mused if her life would ever be normal. 

 

Spike hearing her softly spoken question around a mouth full of wails, told her normalcy was for boring people. It got the reaction he had been hoping for…she laughed and wiped away her tears.

 

He was right, her life was never boring, and with Spike as her Guardian it never would be.

 

She had accepted her new future with a different outlook.  She still had Buffy and Angel, she could go and see them whenever she needed to, and she still had people here that loved her and would protect her. She didn’t have to be afraid and when she realized all of that her fear dissipated.

 

She was a young woman and she would show her family that she could be just as strong as they were.

 

Buffy smiled at her, her eyes watering with tears. “I’m only a phone call away. And you can always come and visit me.”

 

“I know. Don’t worry about me Buffy, I’ll be okay. You just concentrate on you and do what you have to do. Everything is going to be okay.”

 

Buffy’s smiles brightened as a tear fell from her eye. “You know Dawn, you are an amazing person. You’ve been through so much and here you are telling me that everything will be okay.”

 

Dawn blushed. “Well I’ve had a great role model.”

 

They chuckled and then embraced each other warmly.

 

When they parted, Buffy was confident that she was doing the right thing. Dawn was strong; she was no longer that whiney little girl that needed attention. She was a young woman who knew she had a loving and supportive family around her, a young woman on the verge of discovering exactly who she was as a person, and Buffy hoped that she found that person; no…she knew that she would.

 

Buffy and Angel left that night in the strangest of ways, standing next to Whistler, one moment they were there and the next they were gone.

 

But they were never far away from the part of their family that remained in Sunnydale, for the forces of fate would never let them completely escape the Hellmouth. In the months to come they would all understand how fickle destiny and fate were.

 

For their lives would once again be altered.

 

Fate would once more play its cruel hand.

 

And the Slayer and her demon lover would yet again journey home to the Hellmouth.

 

 

 

The End