Chapter One

Los Angeles

Present Day – 2006

With a gentleness that belied the strength of the big hands that held it, Angel lovingly folded his father’s letter, taking care not to rip and tear the old and creased paper any more than it already was. Gently he put it back into the inside pocket of his jacket. His hand lovingly settled over the jacket’s fabric that secured the precious paper that had over the years been his only link to the father that was lost to him.

It was the first item he took out of the locked box that was waiting for him in Switzerland when he was a young man. When he first read it he did so with tears in his eyes, missing the man that had scratched out the quick note with an ache in his heart, an ache that had swiftly turned into a rabid need to seek out and destroy those that had harmed the writer. That day, as he sat in the small closed room of the Swiss bank’s basement, revenge had taken root and had quickly grown with a malevolence that had set the course of his future. Now, twenty-one years later, the need for revenge was as strong if not stronger. And the determination to settle the score with his father’s killer that had become like a second skin was just as steadfast. Killing his Uncle had been therapeutic there was no doubt about that, but it wasn’t the all healing balm he had hoped it would be. There were still too many things left unsaid. Too many questions he had. And the one man that had many of those answers that he so desperately sought was not speaking.

Hard angry eyes looked to the left and the little house that sat pristinely on the quiet suburban Los Angeles street. Inside that house was the man his father told him to seek. The man that was being as stubborn as any mule Angel ever thought could be, and his stubbornness was only fueling Angel’s anger higher.

He closed his eyes for one second, conjuring up an image of his parents, the one that he had held on too and called upon when he was feeling lonely or sad, missing them. It was the last time he saw them. They had been living in Colorado at the time, some small mountain town that Angel could not even remember the name of. It had been an unseasonably warm December day, his mom had prepared a picnic basket and they drove up to a deserted field not far from their mountain home. Angel could still remember the sound of his mother’s laughter when his father rolled her on the grass and tickled her mercilessly. He could still smell the scent of his father’s aftershave lotion mixing with the smell of the grass and the trees of the surrounding forest. He could still feel the sun beating down on his back as he ran across the fields to catch the football his father had thrown him. It had been the perfect day. The perfect memory. And it all ended with a startling bang, an ear piercing screech of tires, and the sound of metal crunching together then slamming against wood.

His eyes snapped open, harder more distant now than they were moments ago. Swift and assiduous anger quickly followed as he once more rummaged around that memory for any other remembrance of that night. But, like all the times before, there never was. Nothing else came to him. The next thing he remembered was waking up in a bed that was not his own. In house that was not his own, in a country that he had not been in since he was a toddler, and a man with vacant brown eyes who had looked back at him with an arrogant lift of his chin and speaking the unspeakable unsympathetic words that his parents were dead and this was his home now.

So long ago, yet those memories were as fresh as daises to Angel. Soothing and inciting all at the same time. They drove him to be the man he was today. Sent him down roads that no sane man would ever journey. Yet he had not one iota of regret in him for those deeds, those ‘sins’ that normal people would call them, instead he had a deep sense of righteousness. A deep perception that he was on the right path, and that one day all that diligence would pay off when he would finally be able to place a name and a face to the person responsible for altering his life. When he would at last be able to reciprocate the vileness that was committed against his own and set free the revenge that had settled in his soul.

He snorted when a sense of irony filled him. Revenge was a funny thing. For years it had festered in his heart and soul, ultimately changing who and what he was. His brothers, two men that knew, understood, and fed the same vengeance that he did didn’t let it change them the way he had. Spike and Oz retained a sense of lightheartedness that gave them a spark of vitality and the joy of life. Angel on the other hand had shunned that light, choosing instead to live a solitary life and never allowing anyone close to him except his brothers. He had turned away from anything that would make him actually feel well, anything.

For so long he lived like that and he thought that was just the way he was supposed to be but then revenge took on a different note. When Buffy came into his life retribution turned from a quiet monster that was slowly chipping away at him to a bittersweet song that sang freely and openly. It turned into something other than what it had been. Oh it was still something that he breathed into his pores every day, it was still something that he had to see through no matter what happened, but the difference was that while before it was happy to take the long and winding road now there was a sense of urgency to it. Now, unconsciously he had put a time limit on it. And it was all because of Buffy.

He wanted so much to start their lives together but there was a cloud hanging over him. One of revenge that he would like to conclude first, though it wasn’t what really drove him here to this little house, regardless of whether or not Giles gave him what he wanted today Angel would still ask Buffy to marry him. No it was the other reason that kept him from doing that. And that was the secret that the two people in that house were keeping, and that was what Angel was determined to get answers to. Giles was hiding something not only from him but also from Buffy, and Angel knew they were connected. What other reason was there for the man known as Ripper not to want Buffy to take part in the heist a month ago? While Angel had been inside the home, there was nothing that he saw that would elude any answers but his instincts told him he was right.

Giles held all the answers and Angel was going to get them. He felt it was his duty to protect his lover’s interests and truth be told – his own. Buffy had no idea that Giles and her mother were keeping something from her, but Angel knew, and knowing and not sharing it with her made him feel like a traitor. He resented that and he refused to begin a marriage with the woman he loved while feeling guilty. Because the truth was that when the secret came out, Buffy would find out that Angel knew and then she would look at him with accusing eyes. And there was no way in hell he was going to be the recipient of that look.

Turning he looked at the house again for one brief moment before he opened the door to the Porsche and stepped out of the sleek sports car. Gently closing the door, he locked it with the key fob and with strong determined steps walked up to the house’s front door. His fist rose and landed on the wood. Sturdy raps filled the otherwise quiet street as he waited for the door to open and promising himself that this would be the last time that he came here to beg.

When he took his leave of this house later it would be with a different set of plans and a renewed sense of purpose. When he walked out of this door it would be with the reassurance that Giles would finally break the silence that he had been holding on to like a dog with a bone.

Twenty minutes later that promise wilted and disappeared as Angel stood in the presence of a stubbornness that was going to be the death of him.

“Giles, you’re killing me!”

Rupert Giles watched Angel pace in his study with mild amusement. It was Angel’s weekly browbeating visit which had been going on for the past month and it was the same now as it was when he first stepped over Giles doorway - demands and questions. Normally Giles had no problem with demands and questions, he would just coldly look down his nose at the demands, and the questions, well, those he ignored. But now after a month Angel was getting on his last nerves and he was ready to kick some bloody manners into the boy.

Angel stormed over to Giles’s desk and slammed his palms down, leaning forward his voice lowered and when he spoke his breath blew angrily across the desk, the breeze blowing the edges of the papers that sat on it. “I want the name Giles. I want the name of the bastard that killed my parents and don’t tell me you don’t know. Uncle was the mastermind he was not the one holding the gun, he would never lower himself to that and you know it!”

Hard eyes that were just as angry stared back unflinchingly. “We’ve been over this before Angelus and I’ll tell you now what I keep telling you…I don’t know what you’re referring to.”

“Bullshit!” Angel snarled, his hands now coiled into fists slammed on the desk once again. “Don’t fucking lie to me Rupert. Ever since you came to the hotel and told me who you were you’ve been following someone, hunting another, those were you’re exact words. I’m not stupid old man I know why you’re tracking this person, and I want…no, I fucking demand that you let me in on it!”

Giles held his gaze for a second longer showing his disapproval with Angel’s tone and his language. It was heated, scorching with his rising fury but then it cooled and he once more turned away, looking back down at his papers and completely ignoring Angel’s demands.

Angel was furious but he knew that he would get nowhere with Giles. The man was that fucking close mouthed. Breathing out a rapid breath of air, he stood up and shrugged his shoulders. Regardless of his thoughts before he stepped inside the house, he had been prepared for Giles refusal because nothing had changed since the last time he’d been here, and Giles responses to his demands were the same as they always were. Still, just because he knew that didn’t mean that it still didn’t piss him off

“Okay, you don’t want to tell me that’s fine, just fucking fine and dandy. I can deal with that. I have my own ways of finding out things you know. You can’t hide things from me for long. But as far as Buffy goes, she needs to know whatever it is you’re keeping from her.”

At the sound of Buffy’s name, Giles once more looked up to see Angel resume his pacing.

“I don’t understand why you, or Joyce for that matter, just don’t tell her. And what the hell is it that you won’t tell her? For God’s sake, she’s not a kid! She’s been through a hell of a lot in the past two months and she doesn’t deserve this…this secret keeping crap!”

Giles opened his mouth to respond but Angel gave him no time as he quickly continued in a tone that was, just as his words made known, growing more irate with every second.

“I’m really starting to get pissed here okay old man and you don’t want me pissed, trust me.”

Giles smirked but his eyes were hard and unfeeling. “Are you threatening me, boy?”

Angel stopped pacing his unbreakable gaze swinging to the man that had been nothing but a pain in his ass lately. “Did you just call me boy?”

Giles’ smirk deepened, he knew how much Angel hated being called that, it reminded him of Quentin. But since he insisted on annoying the hell out of him Giles had no qualms about giving back what Angel so easily dished out. “Yes.”

Angel’s eyes darkened, his body tensed and his fists clenched at his side. If Rupert wasn’t Buffy’s stepfather and his father’s best friend, he’d strangle him right where he was sitting.

The door opened and Joyce strolled in carrying a tray of tea. The tension in the room was palpable; she shook her head, just another Angel visit.

“Why can’t you two play nice?”

She asked as she laid the tray on the table. Sitting down on the sofa she picked up the tea pot and started to pour them each a cup of soothing Earl Grey tea, it was obvious that both men needed it.

“Threats and calling each other names isn’t going to get anyone anything.”

Angel turned away from his hope to be soon – if freaking Giles would ever step up to the plate and be a man – mother in law, and petulantly stormed over to the window mumbling something about stringing up a stubborn old man to the closest tree.

Joyce smiled as she poured Rupert and Angel tea and adding a bit of whiskey to Angel’s as she did, just the way he liked it.

“Angel, come sit down and have a cup of tea.”

Sullenly Angel did what she asked, he could never be mad at Joyce. In the short time that he’d known her she had become like a mother to him, he loved her and he respected her, he would do anything she asked of him. It was just unfortunate for him that she knew that and often used it against him.

Like these visits.

Every time he came and argued with Giles, she would step in and soothingly tell him to be patient, but how freaking patient can a man be? How long can a man be expected to wait to claim his woman and make her his? God knew he was a patient man – a very, very patient man – but this was getting ridiculous, his patience was wearing thin. At this point it was so thin that if he had his sniper rifle in his hand right now his finger would be squeezing the trigger…uncontrollably.

He sat down and took the cup she offered him, taking a sip, his eyes closed as he felt the hot mixture of tea and whiskey sooth his temper. With it came the poignant memories of his own mother who often did the same thing when he was a small boy and his temper got the better of him. Of course his mom didn’t put so much of the whiskey in then as Joyce did now, but the feeling was the same…comfort and home.

But in the next second, when he looked at Joyce and she was smiling at him with open virtuousness, that feeling disappeared and anger returned. This was the part where she played him. Her soft melodic tone was meant to mollify his anger, and it worked every damn time! Somehow this woman always knew what to say and how to say it to get him to calm down and he was really starting to resent that. He wanted to be mad and damn it he wanted them to know he was mad.

“Angel, I know that this is hard for you but you are the one that chose to wait, not us.”

He opened his mouth to speak but she held up her hand halting him.

“I understand why it’s important to you, that you begin your life with Buffy with no secrets between you, and if I were you I would want the same thing.” She turned her green eyes that were so much like Buffy’s toward Giles who was watching her warmly, intently, the love he had for her shining unabashedly. Then she turned back to Angel as she continued. “But I think you’re making things more difficult than they need to be. This is not your secret nor is it Buffy’s. There is no reason you should wait to start your life together.”

“I know that Joyce but see I just can’t help but think that whatever it is you two are not telling her is big, so big that it’s going to have some major effects on her life, which means my life, which means our life together. ”

“And you would be right Angel.” Joyce answered him honestly. The sad and almost accountable look in her eyes backing up her words.

Giles stood up; with his hands behind his back he walked toward them and took the cup of tea Joyce held out for him. Angel had no idea just how accurate his words were. Buffy was not the only one they were protecting.

“That’s why she will never know. That’s why neither Joyce nor I will ever tell her. That’s why you are wasting your time waiting for it to happen when you could be beginning your life with her.”

Angel stared at him, this wasn’t Giles anymore it was Ripper. Everything about the man screamed hard core killer and it only pissed Angel off more. Putting his cup down on the table he stood up and faced him.

“No you’re wrong Rupert, you both are. Secrets like this always reveal themselves, eventually.“

He looked at him pointedly and Giles smirked, acknowledging his own words that were being thrown back in his face with a nod. He sighed, his body loosening slightly and the killer look in his eyes switched to that of a thoughtful and caring stepfather. “God willing, this secret never will.”

Angel’s gaze shifted back and forth to Giles and then Joyce who was staring into her tea still looking sad and just downright guilt ridden. He knew than that they would never tell him and they would never tell Buffy. Threatening them by saying that he would tell Buffy himself if they didn’t was on the tip of his tongue but he held it back, they dug their own graves so let them lie in them. His mind was made up. He would not wait any longer to ask Buffy to marry him. He loved her and his primitive part wanted to claim her as his own – now - so he would. And when they were finally married, he would spill his guts and tell her that Giles and Joyce were keeping something from her and then, as man and wife and as the two cunning strategists that they were, they would discover together exactly what that secret was.

Angel came here to resolve two issues and while he succeeded in resolving nothing he felt more at peace than he had in a month. He shook his head at them, admonishing them as if they were children. He picked up his coat and walked over to the door facing them once more.

“You know if I weren’t so pissed off on Buffy’s behalf I’d almost feel sorry for you two because when she finds out whatever it is you’ve been keeping from her – and make no mistake, no matter how hard you try to keep it a secret, no matter how much you wish for her not too – she will find out, and when she does she’s going to hate you both.”

With that said he walked out leaving them to ponder that. The door closed behind him and Giles turned back and sat down at his desk once more.

Joyce followed his movements with tired eyes. Guilt ate at her heart. She wanted so badly to shed the weight she had been carrying for years. What was the point in keeping it a secret? The children were adults, they were strong and they were smart. The recent events clearly showed that they could and would handle any situation that was thrown at them no matter how hard and immovable that block seemed to be. Angel’s parting words reverberated in her ears, what he spoke was the truth, and the fear of losing Buffy’s trust and respect made her more upset than anything else.

“Rupert, you know he’s right. If she ever finds out…”

“She never will Joyce. I promised you that and I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure I keep that promise.”

“Maybe we’re wrong. She does have a right to know and my God Rupert you have every right to tell her. I just…is it so bad if she did find out? What could happen? It’s been so long.”

He looked at her sharply, “the amount of time that has passed doesn’t matter Joyce you know that, and a right to know does not justify ruining her life. As for me…” his eyes softened, “…I have everything I need and all that I had hoped to ever have, and I am content with that.”

“What about Angel Rupert. Don’t you think he deserves to know? Revenge has been eating away at him for years. It’s the only thing he thinks about.” Giles looked at her with a twinkle in his eye. “Well besides Buffy that is. But you know what I mean, it was his parents Rupert. Wouldn’t you want to know who was responsible for your parent’s death?”

Giles turned away, this was the hardest part for him, denying Angel that right, but he had no choice. “I can not go back on my promise to Liam Joyce. Revenge was not what he wanted for his son.”

Two tawny eyebrows rose, “Rupert did you not just hear what I said? Angel has been breathing revenge his entire life, you know that and I know it, neither you nor Liam, can control what that boy desires.”

“Maybe. But wanting it and getting it are two different things. Liam left that deed to me not to Angel. It’s my responsibility. Liam and Patricia wanted Angel to find peace and love, to be happy. Besides it is not only Angel that has revenge in his heart. Mine is just as black.”

Joyce’s eyes turned sad watching her husband as he seemingly shook off the melancholy that took hold of him for one brief second before he continued.

“No, Liam shall have his last dying wish come true. Angel has found love and soon he will have the peace that Liam wanted for him. Once I’ve ki…ahem…taken care of the responsible parties I will tell Angel that the score has been settled and then he will have it. Liam and Patricia can finally be laid to rest and Angel will no longer live for revenge. No, this is the way it must be.” He turned and gave Joyce a smile that offered comfort. “Please don’t worry everything will be fine. Trust me.”

Joyce, completely not comforted in any way shape or form, watched as he turned away from her gaze and pulled out the file that he had been working on before Angel arrived. He dismissed her, sucked back into the riddle that he had been trying to solve for the past twenty-five years. She stood up and sighed, deeply troubled with her thoughts and her feelings of relentless guilt.

She disagreed with Rupert’s words but she wasn’t going to argue with him. For some reason, he thought Buffy’s knowledge of past events would ruin her life. Joyce believed the exact opposite. Buffy’s knowing would only give her daughter the answers that she had always sought but perhaps never asked for, and maybe, never even realized she was looking for them in the first place.

She walked over to him and kissed him on the head. “I love you Rupert.”

He looked back up at her and smiled, “and I you.” Then he turned back to the file once more attentive to its pages.

Joyce turned and quietly left the room. She shut the door and leaned against it, closing her eyes a tear rolled down her cheek. All she ever wanted was to have a family that was safe and healthy, she might have that now but she knew that situation was shaky.

She knew Angel’s words were true. Buffy would discover her deepest secret and then she would hate her, and Joyce wasn’t sure how she would be able to handle that. A mother wasn’t supposed to have a favorite child but out of her three children Joyce couldn’t help but feel something more for Buffy and if she were too lose that she didn’t know what she would do.

TBC...