TITLE: Pangs Fangs

AUTHOR: Zo

DISTRIBUTION: http://ravenous.warriorsandlovers.com

http://www.geocities.com/pal_athon/

Anyone else that already has my stories you are welcome to it, otherwise please ask.

POST DATE: April 1, 2005 (April Fools!)

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to the Almighty Evil Joss I’m just borrowing them for my own sick and depraved purposes.

TIMELINE: Season Three. Pangs.

PAIRING: S/W friendship.

RATING: PG13 – R for language

SUMMARY: A Vampire, a witch and a bottle of Jack Daniels, what does that mean? Hell if I no.

A/N: Written for the Laugh Ficathon. I implore you to please be kind because this is my first attempt at writing a humorous ficlet and it’s probably really stupid and not very funny. What can I say, smut I know…humor I know, but writing it is a different story.

Many, many, many thanks to the wonderful Kay, my incredible beta babe, whose advice and suggestions always make my stories better then when I first sent them to her. You are the BOMB BABY and I bow at your brilliant beta feet!

Special thanks to Liz and Stacie for coming up with the Laugh Ficathon because it gave me the opportunity to try something different for a change, even though it was a little frustrating. But I firmly believe that every now and then you have to step outside of what you know and try something new…so thanks ladies!

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Thanksgiving, Three AM

“Another shoot Red?” Spike slurred.

“Shoot? Sure I’ll take another shoot.” The red haired witch replied.

“You know what really kills me?” Spike said as he poured them another shot.

“A stake to the heart, a clean swipe of a battle-ax to your neck…ah…oh, holy water?”

“Nah. Well yeah, but nah. What really kills me is that I want to bite you…I want to taste your blood, I want to sink my fangs in your pretty little throat…but I...”

“Can’t?” She said interrupting him shaking her head sadly.

He slapped his leg, “Egzactly ! Tell me Red what’s the bleedin’ point of having these nice f…angs if I can’t use ’em?”

He showed her his fangs and Willow leaned in to get a closer look, her hand falling on his knee for balance.

“Mmmm…they are nice f…angs too.” She raised her finger and touched the tip of one. “Ohh…sharp too, you should be very proud.” She sat back shaking her head at him.

Spike smiled at her, “Thanks Red. They are pretty sharp aren’t they?”

“Mmmm…very demony.” She lifted her glass and drank her shot down then coughed. “Whew…that’s like fire!” she exclaimed.

“Well the Native Americans did call it FIREwater.” He chuckled at his own humor.

“Ha ha very funny. I don’t think my throats ever going to be the same.” Willow wheezed.

“Take deep breaths.” Spike said grinning like an idiot as he slapped her on the back.

Willow took several deep breaths calming the inferno in her throat. Then she turned red eyes to Spike smiling, then she hiccupped, “T…anks that wea…allly he…lps.”

“Anytime Red.” He drank his shot down and poured them another.

“So as I was saying…” He stopped, “What the hell was I saying?”

Willow tilted her head back and swallowed her shot then slammed her empty glass down. “Ah…ah…oh…oh I know, you were saying that it killed you that you … hee … that you … hee hee…that you were IMPOTENT.” She chortled.

“Yea…NO!” Spike said crossly.

”Oh…hee…hee…hee, sorry I meant to say…that it killed you that you couldn’t bite me.” She smiled at him “Sorry.”

Spike drank down his shot and slammed his glass on the table. “Yeah that’s more like it.” Impotent, ah, he grumbled. “So as I was saying, it kills me that I can’t when all I want to do is it!”

Willow poured them another shot, “Do it?”

Spike looked at her. “Huh?”

“You want to do IT? What IT?” Willow said lifting her glass and drinking it down.

Spike rolled his eyes, “Red get your mind out of the gutter and follow the damn conversation. I know you miss Wolfboy but we’re talking bout me know!”

“S…or…ry” She hiccupped.

Grabbing his glass he leaned in and smelled her neck, “All I want to do is bite you and it’s killing me that I can’t!” He drank his whiskey and slammed the glass down on the table.

“Well sure…you’re a vampire, that’s what you’re supposed to do!”

“Yeah!”

“Who the hell are they to take away your…your…your demonly virility!” She said.

“Yeah…who the he…ll are they!”

“Yeah!” Willow stood up.

“Yeah!” Spike stood up.

“You know we should go and…and…yell at them!” she said then turned around to go.

“Yeah! Wait…”

Willow stopped and stumbled, hiccupped again and grabbed the back of the couch to steady herself. “Whoa…stop the carousel please I’d like to get off?” She asked wobbling on her feet.

Spike grabbed her by the arm and steadied her.

“Oh thanks, I don’t know why I got on the carousel, I hate that ride.” She said looking down and straightening her shirt. She swayed again, “Okay the floor is moving, why is the floor moving?”

Spike grabbed her chin and lifted her eyes to his. “Eyes up Red.”

“Right eyes up Red!” She smiled at him. “Where are we going again?” She asked looking very confused.

He leaned in whispering, “To punish the evil creatures that made me impot…I mean, harmless!”

Willow sucked in her breath and her eyes bulged, “Ah…someone did that to you?”

“Yeah the bastards!”

“Ahhh…that’s…well that’s just…mean!” She said her eyes becoming a shady haze of anger.

“Yeah the bastards!”

“Okay let’s go yell at them!” She went to go out the door again when he stopped her again, she turned around stumbling again. “Wh…at?”

“I don’t think yelling is enough punishment, can we torture them a little instead?” he asked her rubbing his hands together gleefully.

“Sure why not!” Willow said, dramatically waving her arms in the air, “A pox on them and theirs!” She screamed.

“Oh I like that, like small pox? Because you know that’s one nasty disease.”

“Sure! Smallpox and…and…oh I know…Syp…Syp…Syphilis.” She grinned finally spitting out what she wanted to say.

“Hey I like that idea, will they look like boy blunder did this afternoon?” He asked because that looked really uncomfortable and he would enjoy watching that.

Willow shook her head, “Oh yes, we could make it even worse then what Xander had.” She giggled.

“Mmm...I like the sound of that but what about skinning them alive that sounds much better to me.” He said hopefully.

“Sure why not! Skin them…skin everyone…the bastards!” She shouted.

“Yeah the bastards!” He shouted back.

“Alright let’s go!” Willow turned and passed out falling to the floor with a loud thud flat on her face.

Spike laughed as Giles came running the down the stairs.

“What the bloody hell is going on down here?” He asked. Looking in his living room he saw an untied Spike laughing and pointing at a passed out Willow lying on the floor.

“She can’t hold her booze mate.” Then he dropped like dead weight on the floor right next to her.

Giles looked from one to the other. “Yes and neither can you apparently.”

Leaning down he picked up Willow and carried her upstairs. He would never have imagined the scenario that he found downstairs. When he’d gone to bed he’d left Willow and Spike in his living room arguing about the Indians. Only to be awakened at three o’clock in the morning by loud shouts of yeah.

Reaching his room he gently laid Willow on his bed and pulled the covers over her. Then he went back down stairs and dragged Spike into the bathroom where he tied him up in the tub.

Grumbling about the injustice of it all, he layed down on the couch and swore that never again would he host a holiday event, at least not without hiding his whiskey.

The End.