Coming Home

TITLE: Coming Home

AUTHOR: Zo

URL: http://www.warriorsandlovers.com

SUMMARY: 1 Year after Chosen, cookies are finally baked.

TIMELINE: The entire Buffyverse with the exception that Buffy already knows that Angel slept with Darla and Connor was never born.

RATING: NC-17

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to The Almighty Joss.

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Prologue

Galway, Ireland

Here I sit, at a small table outside a café in Galway. This is where I’ve been since that fateful day, the day that changed my life forever. I still remember it as if it was yesterday, still so clear in my mind and body. Standing there looking at the gaping whole that used to be my home, the memories both good and bad filtered through my mind and then all at once it stopped and then nothing. I felt nothing but the sudden almost overwhelming feeling of ‘what now’ and then realizing that I didn’t really care what the answer was.

I suddenly felt like the weight I had been carrying since I was 15 had been lifted. I felt free, relaxed, normal…baked cookie? I still cringe when I think of that analogy, but even if it was ridicules, I still think it was accurate. I mean who the hell am I…girl, woman, slayer, all the things that had been denied to me for so long now seemed possible and I had no idea where to begin.

After everyone asked me what we were going to do now, I didn’t have an answer so we all got on the bus and headed to LA. I sat in the back of the bus and leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I was in desperate need of sleep but the entire night kept playing over and over in my mind like a bad “B” movie. Every thing I did and said, all the people that didn’t make it, Anya, Spike. Not to mention the gapping sword wound in my stomach. I still can’t believe I’m still breathing and that I’m not dead at the bottom of the Hellmouth. For some reason it would seem fitting to finally be taken out, to be eternally in the Hellmouth, suffering at the hands of some demon. But I made it, and if I’m truthful the most important people in my life made it. I say truthful because for some reason it doesn’t seem to bother me so much that Anya didn’t make it. I only feel bad for Xander but then again if I really look deep inside of myself I really don’t feel bad for Xander. I mean I’ve had to go through this same thing so many times in my life and he never seemed to understand what it took out of me. Well maybe now does.

The potentials I don’t feel anything for them, maybe I’m colder inside then I thought. And as for Spike oddly enough I’m not upset about that either. He made his decision; he did what he thought he had to do. There was nothing left to be said between us. He knew how I felt and I knew how he felt; two warriors fighting for the same thing. Although in his case he probably just did to get on my good side. Well there’s nothing that can be done about it now. Hopefully he will find some peace, then again maybe he’s the one stuck in the Hellmouth being tortured by demons. Ah he’d probably get off on it I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. I mean let’s be honest here, he only recently got his soul back and he didn’t seem to give a rats ass about any of the atrocities he had committed as vampire, not like…my Angel.

My Angel…mmmm now there’s a nice ‘getting off’ thought. God I still can’t believe he showed up. After so long of not seeing him, poof there he was like magic, saving my ass again. And god did he look good; I was dumbstruck that he was even there, that I was looking into his beautiful face, touching him. It had been too long since I could do that. The only thing I could think of was touching him more, get as close as I could, because who knew it could’ve been the last time I ever saw him again. So I did the first thing that came to my mind. I grabbed his head and kissed him and I tried to pour into that kiss everything I ever felt for him; love, pain, and the overwhelming almost desperate need to feel him again.

Now at the time, I was so consumed with everything going on that it never occurred to me that he came back for me. I actually got the sense that he wanted to be with me. Not that I ever really doubted it, yeah right, but I always assumed that he would be logical and rational. Things he had always been, even if it meant denying that which we both wanted more that anything else in this world…each other.

But when we kissed I got the distinct feeling that something had changed for him. That finally after all this time he was ready to say, “screw everything” I want my life to be with you. I tried to think of what it could have been. I know we hadn’t exactly kept in touch in the past year. Maybe some things in his life had changed and he felt better about himself, about me, about our love. But I knew it wasn’t the time. I had a job to finish I had to send him away because I couldn’t loose him too. Besides this wasn’t his fight it was mine and everyone else in my small dysfunctional family, and yes that included Spike.

Spike…that was something I don’t think either one of us really wanted to talk about. Ok he did I didn’t. I don’t know how much he knew but he said he could smell him on me, damn vampire senses. I’m a chicken what can I say. I could never lie to him and yet I knew what I would have to say would hurt him. Make him feel like he gave everything up for nothing, that I was still in the darkness and with his worst nightmlare no less. But there were so many things he didn’t know so many things I wanted to tell him. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that I wasn’t ready to see him. There were too many things I had to straighten out for myself before I could even begin to explain it to him.

So with that thought in my mind and my decision made, my eyes snapped open and I jumped up from my seat, I walked down the aisle towards Giles who was driving the bus. I briefly looked at everyone as I passed them; Dawn was sitting there staring out at the window in a daze, tears running down her cheek, probably missing Spike. Willow was whispering quietly to Xander who was resting his head on her shoulder. At one time, I probably would’ve stopped to comfort them but I couldn’t I just didn’t feel any sympathy for them. I was so numb their pain didn’t matter to me. Over the last year we just weren’t that close anymore. I still loved them but the need to comfort and protect them seemed like a distant memory.

Oddly enough it was when I reached the seat where Faith was sitting cradling Robin’s bleeding body on her lap, that warmth spread through me. I looked at her I mean really looked at her, maybe for the first time. It’s funny how hard times make you realize what’s important and that old hates and regrets don’t mean anything. I suddenly realized I love Faith even with all her faults and that I respected her for trying to be a better a person and trying to make her life more than what it was. We maybe haven’t always seen things eye to eye, but she was the only one besides Angel, that really knew what it meant to be a Slayer, now more then ever she understood. All of a sudden I felt closer to her then I did with the people that had stood by my side these last seven years. I mean Faith had always given it to me straight, told me the way it was. Not like my so-called best friends, who always felt like they had to hide things from me and make my decisions for me.

I smiled at her and held out my hand. She looked up at me took my hand and squeezed it and we smiled at each other and the feeling of sisterly slayer camaraderie was felt by both of us. There were no words to say, she nods her head, releases my hand and lays her hand back on Robin’s head lightly petting him. I don’t know if they’ll make it work, but hey I’m not standing in the way of anyone’s love life.

I continue to the front of the bus and stop by Giles side. I lean into him and speak very softly in his ear so only he can hear. He turns his eyes and looks at me almost like he knew what I was going to say. He smiles sadly at me and nods his head and turns his eyes back to the road.

I make my way back to my seat and sit down. I close my eyes and try to rest before my new journey really begins. Just when I’m about to fall into a deep sleep I hear Willow’s voice in my head. “Buffy?” “Yeah Will.” She hesitates “You’re not going with us, to LA I mean, to Angel’s?” I sigh in my head “I can’t Will, I can’t see him yet, there are too many things that I need to figure out first and well you know being near him, it doesn’t make the thinking thing any easier.” “I know. I want to tell you something, something I think you have a right to know, something I am sure he didn’t tell you himself, but when I was in LA last month and re-cursed him?” “Yeah” Something in my heart fluttered at the sound of her voice in my head I anxiously waited for what she was going to say but all of a sudden I knew it, I knew what she was going to say. “I changed the curse. I told him and I told him he should tell you and of course he got all noble and said that he didn’t want to interfere in your life that he didn’t have a right. And that he didn’t know if it would even matter to you anymore” there’s hesitation in her voice “because…because of Spike.”

And there it was…the reason for the feeling I had gotten and couldn’t shake. So something had changed and it was because of Spike that he didn’t tell me. I guess I can’t blame him. Knowing Angel, whom I think I do even after years of separation, this must have been really hard for him to hear. Because lets face it, my ex-honey has always had a jealous streak in him when it came to me. Funny how that still makes me tingly inside thinking about his jealousy. For him to still feel possessive towards me after all this time apart makes me feel all warm and gooey inside, like cookie dough! Geez I really got to get a new analogy.

“I know Will. I mean he didn’t tell me but I did get this weird feeling like he was hedging for something. I knew something must have happened. Turns out it’s a big something.” “Yeah well I just thought you had a right to know.”

She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes like she’s trying to find the right words to say. “Buffy, I want you to know that I love you like my sister and even though I may have not always showed it or supported you in your decisions, I’ve always respected you and what you have had to sacrifice. After Tara died I realized so many things and I think I finally got it, the depth of your love for him and I truly understand what it took for you to let him go. That’s why I changed the curse I did it for you, I want you to have a chance of happiness. The chance to have something you’ve always wanted but always had to give up.” “I know Will I love you too. I understand and I appreciate it, I just don’t know yet if I’m ready. I mean it is what I’ve always wanted and now it’s in my reach and I don’t think I can grab it right now.” “I understand. You do what you have to do Buffy and know that I will support whatever decision you make.” “Thanks Will it means a lot to me.”

When we finally arrived in LA Giles pulled over at a bus stop and walked out with me. I didn’t say anything to the potentials because lets face it they don’t like me or respect me and truth be told I really don’t care and definitely don’t feel the need to explain myself to them. I glance up at Faith, Willow, Xander and Dawn; they all give me that sad little smile of knowing. And I wave to them and they all wave back. I walk with Giles down the sidewalk and he grabs my arm and turns me towards him.

“Here,” he hands me a piece of paper with a phone number on it and an American Express Platinum Card, yeah me! “Take this and go wherever you want, spend whatever you want, do whatever you want. Take all the time you need to decide what it is you want to do with the rest of your life…and with whom you want to spend it with” I look into eyes and know I’m going to cry because he can read me like I book, I should’ve known. Even though the last year we hadn’t been that close it didn’t matter. We both cry as he grabs me in a fierce fatherly hug. “Don’t worry about Dawn I’ll watch over her. And call me when ever you’re ready.” I look at the only man I have ever thought of as my father and nod my head. “Thank you Giles for everything. I love you.” He softly cups my cheek, “I love you too. Now go get out of here.”

I watch as he gets back on the bus and drives off. I stand there in the LA darkness watching the lights disappear and am at a complete loss as to where to go. I walk back to the bus station and sit down on the bench. You know the wood ones that make you feel like you have a 2 by 4 stapled to your back and you can never get comfortable. I sit there for what seems like hours, my life flashing before my eyes, trying to find some sense of hope inside of me, something to make me feel alive.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and it was like a wave washing over my entire being, like the Powers themselves were cleansing me. A whole new feeling spread through me, my being, and my soul and I felt rejuvenated, alive! My whole life was before me I could start new. Find myself discover who I was what I wanted. I was ready I was ready to take that step. I stood up and walked over to the counter to buy my ticket I finally decided where to go… back to the beginning of course!

Chapter One