Chapter Five

 

 

 

Galway, Ireland

 

The mail came today and in it was a letter postmarked from LA.  Now I didn’t want to get my hopes up, because I mean LA is so general it could be from anyone, Willow, Giles, Faith Dawn…Angel.

              

So I toke the letter and sat down at my favorite café, I ordered a glass of red wine and opened it up.

 

Mo Anam Chara,

 

            I hope that since you’ve spent the last year in Ireland that you’ve picked up some Gaelic and know what that means, Soul mate.  Because that is what you are to me Buffy.  I was so glad when I got your letter I was worried about you, you never called me Willow only gave me the “she’s ok Angel” bit but never any details.  I understand though, I understood that night in the graveyard.  

 

            When I came to Sunnydale that night I was so excited to see you.  I couldn’t wait.  I hunted for you that night.  I searched everywhere with the intent to bring you back to me.  To once again make you mine.  I knew things were crazy there Willow told me but I didn’t know how crazy till I got there.  So yeah I didn’t tell you about my soul for a few reasons.  The biggest reason was Spike.  I mean Willow told me you guys hadn’t been together like that for a while but I wasn’t sure how you felt.  And then when I saw you and smelt him on you it made me crazy.  To think that he touched you, that he was able to make love to you when I couldn’t I was so mad not at you but at him and mostly myself.

 

            I never wanted to push you away Buffy, when we met after you came back I was so happy just to be able to hold you again that I couldn’t see no I didn’t want to see the pain you were in.  I was selfish I didn’t care what you were going through I was just so glad to have you back in the world.  Because when you weren’t it was like a piece of me died too and I didn’t want to live in a world where you weren’t.  

 

            But you were so cold that night and I thought maybe she didn’t care anymore; maybe she truly had moved on and didn’t need me anymore.  So I did the unthinkable I let myself believe that I was in love Cordeila.  But I wasn’t, never was, she’s my friend a good friend.  And she was there for me. I guess it’s kind of like what you had with Spike without the whole violent sex thing.  I mean we slept together once or twice but it was just that sex.  We both realized it for what it was and ended it.  I’m sorry you had to hear about it through the demon grapevine but so did I.  I can’t tell you how many demons came up to me and told me that my mate was fucking my child.  God do you have any idea how that made me feel?  But again I was mad at myself.  Because I had let things get so distant between us that you felt you couldn’t even come to me with your pain that you had to turn to my child and not me.  

 

            I’m going to say something that you probably aren’t going to want to hear and probably not like but I don’t regret leaving you that day in Sunnydale.  I had to Buffy for so many reasons.  I wasn’t a man I wasn’t even a demon I was totally clueless as to what I was who I was.  I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be.  I was just the slayers lap dog.  I had to become my own person to find out who I was.  I hope that you can relate to that since it seems to be what you are searching for now. The other reason well, it was getting to hard to not touch you.  All I wanted was to take comfort in you to make love to you.  And I was weak.  Every day that went by and I would see your smiling face or just touch your hand I wanted to take you and make you mine again.  And I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t unleash Angelus to the world again to hurt you and yours, I couldn’t live with that again.  So I left.

 

            What I do regret is not saying thank you.  You gave me so much more than your blood that day Buffy you gave me a piece of your soul.  That you trusted me enough to offer your blood to me still blows me away.  I just wish I were more in control to stop sooner that I did.  But the taste of you, your pure essence, your love that flowed into me when I drank from you and the delicious taste of your arousal, god I was so turned on I didn’t want to stop.  The demon came forth that day too you know, he loves you as much as I do, even though he would never admit it.  You gave me your strength to walk away from you.  Because after tasting you the demon was so much closer to the surface I had to leave.  

 

            As for the day you came to LA and saw Faith, I was only trying to help her.  I never wanted to hurt you and I regret to this day hitting you, I’m sorry.  But know that nothing ever happened between Faith and me, god next to you she’s nothing.  But you hurt me so much when you told me you loved Riley.  Again I was so mad but I didn’t have a right to be.  I’m the one that told you that you should have a normal guy someone that can make love to you. I guess when it was thrown in my face that you were doing what I wanted you to do I just couldn’t cope with that.  That’s why I lashed back at you.  After you’d left I felt terrible and I couldn’t leave it that way between us.  That’s why I went back to Sunnydale why I felt I had to apologize, although I also don’t regret getting the chance to kick the shit out of Riley, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  It was probably the most fun had since I got to kick the shit of Spike.

 

            I’m glad you saw your mom in Heaven and got to work things out with her and I am sorry about not telling you about the conversation we had.  I never wanted to go behind your back and make decisions for you. I just at the time I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.  All I ever wanted to do was protect you from the darkness that was inside of me, but I guess after everything I failed in that to because you were always surrounded by the darkness I was just too blind to see that.

 

            After reading your letter I have come to some conclusions.  First off you are the most incredible woman I know.   You have had such sorrow in your life sacrificed so much and never once did you falter in knowing what had to be done.  I am in awe of you.  I always have been.  From the first moment that Whistler showed me you on the steps of Hemry I knew that you were my world; my reason for fighting, the struggle to make myself a better man.  And even after everything you told me nothing has changed, no wait I’m lying it has changed…its stronger.  I love you more now knowing all that you’ve been through and seeing the woman you have become turns me on so much I’m going to have take a cold shower after writing this letter.  

 

            There is no one on this planet or anywhere else for that matter that I respect more then you. You have come out on top even if you feel that you haven’t.  As for Spike, well we have come to a strange sense of ease with one another.  He does want to become a better person, and he seeks my forgiveness for what he did to you.  I know everything Buffy, he told me, he confessed all his sins that he committed against you and after a sound beating, well a few actually we have come to a mutual understanding.  While I find it very hard to forgive him for trying to rape you and accept it all, I have to some extent.  But that is my problem with myself and my feeling of failure to you, it has nothing to do with you.  Just know that I am always here for you no matter what has happened.  I never want you to feel that lonely again.  I want to be the person that you lean on when you need it.

 

            I wanted to come to you in Ireland and bring you back but I don’t want to pressure you.  So I’m going to end this letter by saying this… you Buffy Anne Summers are my world, my soul, my heart, my mate.  You come to me when you are ready I will be waiting for you.  But know that when you do I’m going to lock you up in my bedroom for a very, very, very long time and do all the things I’ve ever dreamed about doing.  I’m going to make you mine again. I will thoroughly ravish you from head to toe and not stop till you beg me to (maybe not even then.)  God I’m so in love with you I just want to hold on to you forever and never let you go.  And I won’t.  Forever, right that’s the whole point!

 

            So until that day I will be waiting.

 

Yours always,

A

 

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Wow...wow...wow! That’s all I could think about after reading his letter.  He is the most amazing person I have ever known.  And WOW hot!  I think he did that on purpose.  Get me all hot and bothered for him, not that I wasn’t already but damn now I can’t even sit still in my chair.  I wonder if he has a good set of handcuffs?

 

Well my decision was made I was ready to start my life over with him and from the sounds of it so is he.  God I am so deliriously happy it’s sickening.  So I gather my stuff up and start heading back to the inn so I can collect my things and get my ass back to LA for some much needed and overdue good loving, when I pass this jewelry shop.  

 

It was your ordinary run-of-the-mill jewelry store but something in the window, a flash of silver, caught my eye and I stopped and looked at it.  It was the most beautiful set of claddagh rings I ever saw so I went inside to inquire about them.  Little did I know the world of information that I would hear from the shopkeeper.

 

“Hello, I would like to look at the claddagh rings you have in the window”  “Oh of course lass they are beautiful aren’t they.”  She walked around the counter to the window to take them out and then walked back around the counter and laid them out on the glass.  “You know they are traditional Irish wedding bands.” My head snapped up at that, “what?”  “Oh yes, in older times a man and woman in love would exchange these rings and then consummate their union, it’s such a beautiful tradition, but now modern laws and all that hmpf.”

 

I stared at her for so long she must of thought I was bonkers “you all right deary?”  “Um yea sorry.”  Married ah?  Isn’t that interesting, seems my little hot muffin forgot to mention that.   “I’ll take them.”

 

So I walked out of the store now with a much more determined stride in my step.  Married!  The nerve of that man, he practically throws me at other men, made me an adulteress.  Well seems like I have a little mission on my hands.  

 

I boarded the plane that night and didn’t tell anyone I was coming back.  I was sitting in my seat with the most evil of grins on my face, maybe that’s why the flight attendant didn’t ask me if I wanted anything to eat.  Bitch.  Oh well, I can wait; I’ve survived on much less besides I had a lot of evil planning to do.  Looks like I’ll be coming back to LA as the Big Bad this time around!

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Six