Chapter Four
LA
I must have read that letter
a hundred times that night and drank two bottles of whiskey to kill the pain.
I can’t believe that I was so blind to the pain she was in. When I think back
to that night when we met I can see the pain and emptiness that was in her eyes
but I didn’t want to think about it. I was just so happy to see her again to
touch her and smell her beautiful scent that I was blinded to her pain. Now
I’m kicking myself in the ass. She went through so much in her short life gave
up so much for the world that never once thanked her.
I understand now a little
bit more about Spike I mean didn’t I go through the same thing with Darla? I
can’t begrudge her that, trying to find peace in a world that was cold and
hard. I still don’t like it, just the thought of him touching her makes me crazy,
but then again who am I more pissed at him or me? I mean I’m the one that left
her again and again. I’m the one that never showed her that she could relay on
and trust me.
But then again I know in my
heart I had to leave her. I was such a mess after hell. I could barely stand
myself. I was so worried about hurting her again and every time I touched her
I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. So yes I had to leave, and am a
little ashamed to say that I’m glad I did. I like to think I’ve become a
better person more grounded. I’m no longer afraid of letting the demon out.
We have become one, we’ve merged, he is me and I am him and I accept that. And
the one thing my demon and I have always agreed upon was Buffy.
She is ours and we are hers.
And we will do anything to get her back. I don’t care anymore about what
anyone has to say. I will get her back. My soul cries out for her it always
has that has never changed. There will be no more secrets or lies between us.
And what was that she said, the most erotic experience she ever had? Well we
are going to have to investigate that a lot further. God I’m rock hard just
thinking about it. Cause god knows that it was the most erotic experience for
me to, and that’s saying a lot considering I’ve got over 250 years of
debauchery under my belt.
So what do I do now, that’s
the question, do I write back? Call her? Go to
I get up from the couch walk over to my desk and start to write her back. I’ll just be honest and tell her how I feel, not a difficult thing to do. I’ll mail it and wait to see what she does next.