Chapter Three

 

 

Angel,

 

            I’m sorry it took me so long to write; it’s so beautiful here in Ireland you never told me.  I’ve been here for a year now, I did a little traveling, saw other places but I was always drawn back to here.  I guess because with all the baking I’ve been doing and with everything that’s happened in my life you still consume so much of my thoughts.   There are so many things that I want to tell you but I’m too much of a coward to say it to your face.  Plus I don’t think I could say everything I need to say because quite frankly when you are near me I can’t think.  The world just disappears and there’s only you, so hence this letter.

 

So in my ‘baking’ process I’ve been able to see things so much clearer.  Maybe it’s because I’m not surrounded by it anymore, I don’t know.  What I do know is that I just want to tell you everything and be completely honest with you and myself.  I’m going to tell you things that probably will hurt you and maybe make you fell guilty but I’m not telling you these things to get those reactions from you.  I want to start with a clean slate.  Get all the hurts and angst out of the way because I know in my heart what I want, what I’ve always wanted…I want my life to be with you.  

 

Maybe I shouldn’t be saying any of this, maybe I’m dragging things up that should be left unsaid.  Maybe you don’t care anymore or feel the same anymore.  All I know is that I don’t want to hide the way I feel anymore.  For so long I held onto so much resentment towards you.  I was so broken after you left it was like a part of me was missing.  I thought geez if he can just turn away from me after everything we’d been through, maybe he really doesn’t love me.  So I tried to live the life every one wanted for me, including you.  

 

And I was doing an alright job of it, going to school get a nice normal boyfriend, at least that’s what I thought at the time.  And then Faith showed up, tried to kill me, my mom, my friends and she slept with Riley in my body.  So when I found out that she was going to LA I figured she was going after you.  So I did what I thought I had to do…go to LA, help you and kill Faith.

 

But when I got there and saw you with Faith, I truly believed then that you didn’t love me anymore and maybe never really did at least the way that I loved you.  God I was so hurt and jealous that I did what Buffy always does I lashed out.  I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me so I lied to you, I told you I loved Riley and that I trusted him like I could never trust you.  But it wasn’t true, never!  I was just so torn up; it was so hard to see you living a separate life one that I wasn’t apart of anymore.  You seemed happy and I wasn’t.  

 

But when you showed up after I didn’t know what to think, I mean here I was thinking that you didn’t love me anymore then you show up and I started to question myself.  I mean if you didn’t love me you wouldn’t come to apologize to me for something that clearly was not your fault.  Yes NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

I was the one that should’ve said I’m sorry, so I’m saying it now, I’m sorry.  I was such a complete bitch that day.  I was blinded by my jealousy and pain and couldn’t see that you were just doing what you always do…saving people.  

 

As far me loving Riley, let’s just say that we were doomed from the beginning.  I was just going through motions, I mean I respected him, I liked him, and we slept together as girlfriend boyfriend but it never went beyond that.  I never felt whole when I was with him.  It was like my body just responded because it knew that it had to.  But my heart, my soul was never apart of it.  It was like those parts of me were just floating above us watching with a cold distant eye.  And after, they would return and just make me feel empty inside, not sated, like something was missing.  But I never really saw it for what it was until later.

 

After you left and we defeated Adam and the Initiative, I started to get really restless.  I found myself waking up in the middle of the night and going hunting.  I say hunting, because that’s what it was.  It wasn’t patrolling anymore it became something I felt I had to do a way to feed the darkness that was quickly seeping into every inch of my being.  

 

One night I was hunting in Shady Rest Cemetery and I met the celebrity of vampires…Dracula.  Later that night he came to my room when I was sleeping.  He had me under his thrall, he started to touch my face he told me that he and I were alike that the darkness was inside of me and that I knew it.  He saw your mark and said that you were not worthy of me and then he bit me.  

 

The next day I was so ashamed all I could think about was that I betrayed you, I didn’t think of Riley at all.  I mean I never even let Riley touch that part of body so it never even occurred to me how it would make him feel.  So I didn’t tell anyone and I tried to hide the bite mark, but they all saw it anyway and Riley became even more insecure.  

 

After that it was like we weren’t even a couple anymore.  I was determined to understand the darkness that did live inside of me; I trained harder spent more time meditating and trying to figure out what being the slayer actually meant.  Then in the midst of this Dawn showed up, then Glory showed up and then mom got sick.

 

It was really hard to handle everything that was going and Riley didn’t seem to understand that.  Well maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault, I wasn’t all ‘miss share everything’ with him and I guess that drove him over the edge.  Because sometime after mom got sick, Spike came to my house said he wanted to show me something.  So I followed him to this abandoned warehouse.  Inside there were vamps and humans everywhere and the humans were letting the vamps drink them.  I followed Spike up the stairs and into this room where sitting in a chair with vamp whore sucking on his arm was Riley.

 

The next day after I burned the place down, I was training at the Magic Shop when Riley came in and said he wanted to talk.  I asked him what the hell he was thinking and he said he wanted to know what pull Dracula and you had over me.  He wanted to know what it felt like to have someone need him in that way.  I told him he didn’t understand anything and that all he was to them was a snack.  He said he needed more from me, and I told him that there was nothing left to give, that I had given him everything.  But it wasn’t true I know that, I think even then I knew it, but in my denial, I didn’t want to see that because it hurt too much to know that I still loved you but couldn’t be with you.  So Riley left the next night and Xander started to preach to me about how I was closing myself off to Riley because I was afraid of getting hurt again, but that was never true. When you left there was nothing left of me to give and Riley knew that.  He knew even before I did.  

 

It wasn’t until mom’s funeral when I saw you that it all clicked inside; I knew then that I never loved Riley.  The fact that I could sit there in your arms, someone that I was mad at, someone I blamed for the hell-hole my life had become, and tell you how I felt and how scared I was of what was to come, how easy it was to talk to you and let you comfort me.  And how all the pain and resentments washed away with that.      

 

I wanted to hold you forever that night and never let you go.  But I knew I couldn’t.  It wouldn’t have been fair to you because I knew I was going to die fighting Glory, I knew I would lose.  I had given up. I was so tired and lonely and lost hope.  I didn’t know how to go on in a world that required me to kill everything I loved.  I wanted to die Angel; I just couldn’t stand to live in this world anymore.  I thought I could give Dawn the chance of a normal happy life that I never had. That’s why I told you to leave.  I didn’t want you around when that happened.  I didn’t want you to do anything macho and stop me from doing what I knew had to be done.  

 

But that night was the first time that I felt good about everything, relaxed, content and ready to take on whatever it was I had to do.  You do that for me you know, you touch my soul so deeply that you give me strength and courage.  I loved you so much more that night and when we kissed it was like coming home.

 

  I don’t remember much after I jumped through the portal.  There were beautiful colors everywhere and I was filled with such a sense of peace and comfort, a feeling I hadn’t felt in so long.  And then it stopped and I don’t really know what happened after that except I remember seeing my mom.   I never told anyone that, they would probably think I’m nuts.  But we talked forever about everything, all the mistakes we each made all the regrets.  She told me she went to see you the day before the prom and what you talked about.  God, Angel I was so mad at her and you.  She had no right and either did you, making decisions about my life without me even knowing.  I thought here is one more thing in my life that I didn’t have a say in, one more thing taken away from me.

 

After much shouting and crying I realized she only did what she did out of love.  I guess I never really took the time to understand how she felt about everything, you know the whole “my daughters the slayer” thing and how hard it was for her to accept it.  But then I understood how she wanted to protect me and see me have everything she thought her daughter should have.  And I know that you did it for the same reasons.  I know both of these things but yet I still felt hurt and betrayed by the two people I loved the most.

 

But then I thought back to Graduation Day.  I remembered the pain that you were in and watching you suffer and how much I wanted to make it stop.  And I realized that it was the same thing.  I would have done anything to save you that day Angel.  I’m not sorry for what happened I would do again if I had to (and truth be told…I liked it, it was the most erotic experience I ever had, to be able to give you a part of me to help you survive) but I realized that it was the same need that you two had, to protect and help the one you loved.  The over powering need to see the person you love survive.

 

She said she regretted it.  She had seen what I had become after you left, her words were “hard and colder, like a piece of me shut off and wouldn’t let anyone in.”  She also told me that things were coming, bad things and that I was in for a long hard journey.  Boy was she right!

 

When Willow brought me back...things…were hard, really hard.  I didn’t understand why I was back.   I thought I had fulfilled my destiny you know did the slayer thing and then died like a good little slayer.  But no, it didn’t end for me; I couldn’t even find the peace in the death that I longed for in life.  No peace for Buffy.  

 

You know when Willow did the resurrection spell, Sunnydale was being overrun by Demons, they all knew the Slayer had died and no one was protecting the Hellmouth.  Willow was not able to complete the spell because they were being chased by biker demons, so they left my grave.

 

When I woke in my casket, I was seriously freaked.  I didn’t know what was going on, one minute I’m happy and content in heaven the next I’m breathing in the stench of my own dead body.  I clawed my way out and the only thought I could think of was you.  Remember when I was waiting for that vamp to rise and you said it was a little strange at first.  Angel, strange is not the word.  Fucked up, yes, discombobulated, most definitely.

 

After I clawed my way out I wondered the streets and then I found myself at the spot where I jumped into the portal.  I was staring at it trying to understand what happened, I was so confused images were bombarding my mind and that’s when Dawn found me.  She was so happy to see me she brought me home and cleaned me up and then Spike came in and boy you should’ve seen the look his face when he saw Buffy the walking corpse.  He bandaged my hands up and told me how long I had been gone.  God it all felt like a strange nightmlare and things just got so much worse.  

 

Willow and Tara had moved into my house to watch over Dawn and all the money from my mom’s life insurance was used up to pay the medical bills and other stuff, and it turned out that Buffy had no money.  I was being threatened by child welfare I had no job, and no skills to get a job.  It was like it just kept getting worse.

 

Then you called.  God when I picked up the phone and heard your voice on the other end it was like a warm waterfall just washed all over me and filled me such longing and hope, hope that maybe things won’t be so bad after all.  So I rushed out of the house to meet you.

 

When we met at the inn and held each other I knew I would be ok, I knew you would take care of me.  But when I looked up into your eyes I could see there was so much sadness.  It seemed like there was so much going on in your life that I wasn’t apart of and I didn’t want to burden you with my shit.  So I lied, I told you everything was great and how wonderful it was to be back.  

 

When we parted I felt so alone again, so lost.  Its funny it always seems like we push each other away to save the other from our pain.  But do we really, because after that night things got so much worse for me.

 

            There was so much going and I felt so detached from everything.  I didn’t care about anything all I wanted was to go back, I didn’t want to live anymore.

 

All I wanted to do was call you and listen to your calm soothing voice telling me everything would be okay.   So one night I was patrolling and just felt so empty that I decided that I would throw caution to the wind and call you but as luck would have it, I ran into a vamp that just came from LA.  And in between the punches and kicks he took great pleasure in taunting me all about you and Cordelia.  About how much you two were in love, two great warriors fighting side by side, keyrumption.  

 

I guess he thought that would distract me make me vulnerable but unlucky for him because I became a crazed slayer and needless to say he didn’t get another word in after that.   I started to walk home and thought well that’s that, he’s moved on.  It wasn’t fair of me to call you.  You had a shiny new happy life that I wasn’t apart of and probably not wanted in.  So I didn’t call.

 

Days turned into weeks and I still felt cold and numb, not a part of anything.  The gang was acting like everything was normal and hunky dory.  Then Willow and Tara got into a fight and Willow being the hokey pokey witch decided a spell was in order to make Tara forget their fight.  But like so many of Willows spells, it backfired and instead of effecting Tara and it affected everyone.  And it was like at last peace, I had no idea who I was, what I was, what my life was like and for that one day everything was great.

 

Then Willow broke the spell, and everything came back, the pain, the hurt, the numbness, loneliness, it all just flooded back into me, like a dam breaking and I couldn’t stop it.  It just kept coming and coming and I just couldn’t stop it.  

 

Then they were all these pictures in my head of you and me, kissing on the pier, drinking tea in your kitchen, making love everywhere with you, a HUMAN Angel.  And I thought I must have really been loosing my mind, because I didn’t remember any of that happening, and I know I would remember us making love and you human.

 

Then I heard you saying that you had to turn it back to save me, and I was crying that it wasn’t enough time and that I would never forget.  But I did, I did forget then I thought about how you must have felt and how only you remembered that day.  And in my weakened state of mind I tried to rationalize things, which I couldn’t do to good at the time, I thought that you really didn’t want me anymore, that you rather live your life as a vampire then be with me.  And that broke me more than finding out about you and Cordy.  I was truly colder than I ever thought possible so numb that I found myself making out with Spike at the Bronze just to feel something, anything, besides the emptiness I felt.  

 

In the morning, I was so ashamed of what I did, that I tried to avoid Spike as much as possible. Then one day I was leaving the Magic Box and ran into Spike and he started to taunt me about everything, how everyone kept leaving me about how I wasn’t right that I came back wrong, not human and to prove his point he hit me and there was no pain in his head.  

 

So me being shocked standing there with my mouth on the floor…he hit me again. Then we just started pounding on each other. And he kept on and one about me being wrong and not human because he could hit me.

 

So I was listening to everything he was saying and with every punch he threw I felt it down to my soul.  Then I started to think what if he’s right?  There must be something wrong with me because I didn’t feel like Buffy, I was so cold inside and the pain it felt good.  I wanted it; it felt I don’t know, real.  So one thing led to another....

 

But you know the whole time I was with him, all I could think of was you.  I know, perverted sick and twisted.  But every time I would just clamp my eyes shut and wish to god that when I opened them there would be the most beautiful pair of chocolate eyes looking into mine.  But that never happened and afterwards I just felt so sick to my stomach.  I would take shower after shower trying to get myself clean, to get the smell of him off of me.  Some nights I would scrub so hard I would bleed but I never got clean.

 

But the self loathing and sickness I felt every time I was with him didn’t matter it was an addiction, I just kept going back to him again and again because it was the only time the pain stopped. The only time I could step outside myself and not feel anything for a while.   

 

I tried to rationalize my sick need for Spike by saying to myself that I was just trying to get closer to you, to try to have some part of you. I know more sick and twisted ness but somehow I felt closer to you when I was with him.

 

When I finally realized that being with him was slowly killing me I broke it off and he didn’t take it too good.  He came to my house one night and tried, well let’s just say he tried to renew our relationship, but I stopped him. He wanted to make me love him, he thought by forcing me he could do that, I told him I could never love him.  He left that night and I was so relieved that he was gone, that the temptation was gone.  But I was scared too because once again I was alone, god I thought there really must be something wrong with me if even a soulless demon leaves me.

 

When he came back and with a soul no less, I just couldn’t push him away.  Maybe I felt a sense of gratitude towards him for helping me when I was lost I don’t know but I had to help him, I couldn’t desert him.   He was talking crazy hiding out in high school basement, he apologized during one of his ramblings he felt ashamed of what he did.  I told him it was the actions of the demon not the soul that was responsible.  Don’t get me wrong I am angry with him for what he did but in his own sick way he loved me and he stayed with me and in a sort of twisted way we helped each other.

 

I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty or to make you jealous I just really want you to understand what drove me to it.  I’m not apologizing for it either, because I truly believe that if I didn’t have that I wouldn’t be here today.  I think I would probably be dead again.

 

Angel I love you so much I’ve always loved you.  What happened with Spike was nothing like what we shared.  He could never replace you in my heart, my soul, hell even my body knew the difference. I just want you to understand, you don’t have to agree with me and hey you might not even like me anymore after hearing this but I need to tell you.

 

I also want to tell you that after everything with Spike I thought back to the day that wasn’t, and I realized that I would have done the same thing.  I don’t blame you or hate you for doing what I now know you had to do.  In fact I think I’m just a little bit more in love with you, if that’s possible.  I only wish that you didn’t have to remember alone.  And I’m sorry for forgetting and I’m sorry for letting it draw me further into the darkness.

 

After that things went along like they always do, I started working at the high school as a counselor and I was starting to feel better about myself.  Then everything went upside down again and the First showed up, which leaves me to the last time we saw each other.

 

That was just slightly confusing for me.  I mean besides the whole wacko women hating preacher that was trying to kill me, I kind of got the impression that maybe you wanted something more from me.  At the time, I was so overwhelmed with what was going on and the other twisted scenarios going on in my life that I didn’t or maybe couldn’t see straight.  To see you after a year of hell and to kiss you again god it was beautiful, to know that nothing had changed.  The love I feel for you, the desire...it all just came rushing back at me.   And I was confused.

 

I don’t know why I was confused, I mean you are and always have been the one thing in my live that I got completely, that I never had to think twice about.  But then so much had passed I’ve changed so much and did some pretty stupid things.  And I was scared.  Scared that you wouldn’t be able to see past the person I used to be and accept the woman I had become.  I mean how could you?  I’m not the innocent little girl you walked away from anymore. I am a woman who didn’t even know who she was.  Someone who had grown so dead and cold inside that she slept with a soulless demon to escape from the hell that her life had become.  

 

But that night spun my whole world upside down because for so long I hadn’t let myself think of you or us so I didn’t know what to think.  I still felt so tainted and dirty and just not Buffy.  I didn’t want you to see what I had become, what I lowered myself too.

 

When you asked me why I didn’t want you to stay, you thought it was because of Spike because I loved him and what did you say, “that I was blowing you off”.  God Angel, please don’t feel that I chose him over you because that is far from the truth.  The truth is that I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you again and I knew deep down in my heart that whoever wore that amulet was going to die and I couldn’t let that be you.  So I had to send you away.

 

            What’s that old saying, “time heals all wounds?”  Yeah right!  But I guess some things it does heal because in the past year I’ve been able to see things so clearly about myself, who I am what I want to be, where I want to be.  I’ve forgiven myself for things that I always thought were my fault and I’ve been able to buck up to the bitchiness that is Buffy.

 

I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m not perfect and that I’m going to make mistakes, and probably a lot of them considering my track record.  But I know one thing for certain the one thing I’ve always known.  Do you remember when you asked me if I thought about the future? I told you no that when I looked into the future all I see is you.  That’s still true it always has been.

 

            All this time I’ve been fighting for the world when in realty I was fighting for you, for us.  With the hope that one-day it will be our time.

 

            When I look back at everything that’s ever happened to me, my most precious moments, my happiest moments were spent with you.  And all I want in this world is to have more.  

 

            The last time we saw each other only strengthen my desire and want for you.  When the fight was over I just wanted to run to you and have you hold me and tell me everything would be ok and I wanted to make love to you all night.  Yes I know, Willow told me, because she didn’t think that you would, which you didn’t!  Can you say PISSED?  But I understand it really wasn’t the time for that.  And I haven’t actually been Miss Available this past year. So I won’t hold any grudges.

 

            I just want you to know that I love you so much.  I’ve always been in love with you there have been other men in my life but no one ever compared to you and how you make me feel.   No one was ever been able to make me feel whole, complete and I want so much to have that again.

 

            I’m going to drop the ball in your court now because I just really want you to be sure.  Because I can’t handle you walking away again, forever that’s the whole point!

 

            And if you choose not to, well that’s ok too.  I know we’ve been apart for a long time and our lives and we ourselves have changed.  But know that I will always love you and want you.

 

Always your girl…

B

 

 

 

Chapter Four