Chapter Two
LA
It had been two months since
the Scoobies arrived and took over my hotel, two months of hormonal teenage
girls running around my home like they owned it. God, I don’t know how Buffy
could stand it. They’re driving me nuts. Half of them look at me like they
want to stake me the other half look at me like they want me to stake them! As
if I would, my stakes for one slayer only kiddies.
So most of the time I stay
at the office the only place I could think, Cordy would have said brooding.
But I like to think of it as analyzing. Analyzing everything I’ve done, trying
to look at things differently. Trying not to feel guilty for things I had no
control over. I mean I know the actions of the Demon are not the actions of
the man. I’ve come to terms with that, he and I just happened to inhabit the
same body.
And when I think of that I
realize that there was one person that always knew that. Cordy, you ask?
Mmpf! She never understood that she always saw us as two separate entities. I
think that’s why I could never really love her love her. I do love her as my
friend even though she would always mock my pain and take stabs at Buffy
regardless of how many times Buffy saved her ass. No she was never able to
look beyond the demon and see the man and how that man is nothing without the
demon. I can accept that now, and with that acceptance came a new found inner
peace.
I tried to throw myself into
running Wolfram and Hart and getting back to helping people, get back on the
track of redemption because I’m not blind and I know that in the past few years
I fell off the track and almost got run over a couple of times. And I
wanted…no desperately needed to have that sense of belonging again; to know
that I was doing the right thing for the right reasons.
But with inner peace and
serenity, old wants arise. And I found that it was really hard to concentrate
on anything that didn’t have to do with Her. All I could think about was Her,
ever since that night in the mausoleum when we kissed, god what a kiss that
was. I can remember every detail, every touch, every look of longing and
basking. Basking, that’s what she said. It made me feel so good to have her
look at me like that again. The way she used to look at me, with love in her
eyes, in her heart, in her soul.
But even though I could see
and sense the love she felt there was also sadness and confusion in her eyes.
A darkness that I never wanted to see in her beautiful eyes, the darkness that
I thought I took with me when I left, but it was there nonetheless. I guess
I’m a fool, she’s the slayer for god’s sake, and of course she’s going to be in
darkness. Forever surrounded by the pitch black of night. The burden of
killing the things that goes bump in the night. And the loneliness that comes
with the whole slayer package.
When I went to Sunnydale
that night, I went with the intention to claim once again what was mine…my
mate. The only woman I’ve ever loved and ever will love. I knew she had been
with Spike, even if
Yes I found out about that,
you’re probably wondering how. Well I was sitting in my office one morning and
out of nowhere a portal opens up above my desk and out comes Spike. He lands
on my desk in full Spike attire looks at me and says “Hello Peaches.” I was
shell shocked, literally. I mean I knew what he did, that he had died, so what
the hell was he doing back and in my office no less.
So I did the only thing I
could think of, I punched him dead in the face and he went flying back and
crashed into my weapons cabinet. I went over to him and proceeded to pound
into him some more. Blood was flowing profusely from his face and was all over
me but I couldn’t stop I was a man possessed.
“Ow mate hold up a
minute.” Of course I didn’t so I picked him up again and threw him across the room
where he landed with a thud on my new black leather couch. “You better not
bleed on my new couch boy.” Then the office doors were thrown open and Wesley
came in. “Angel what happened I heard a crash...” Wesley looked over at me
blood dripping down my clenched fists and then he looked over and saw Spike on
the couch bleeding all over the place. “Good lord I thought he was dead.” “So
did I mate.” Spike said.
After that Wesley went into
research mode and Fred came in and took Spike out to clean him up and keep me
from killing him…again.
I spent hours after that
pacing in my office like a caged cat. Trying to figure out what was going on.
Trying to keep control of the bloodlust I felt, the urge to torture him in so
many painful ways. Every act of torture I ever committed ran through my mind
and I mentally put them on the list of “Things to Do To Spike When I See Him
Again”. It was a rather pleasant feeling actually it had been a long time
since I let myself get that worked up and reveal in it.
The next day, and when he
was finally able to speak coherently again, Spike paid me a visit. Fred walked
into my office, Spike trailing behind, like she was a human shield for him, she
sat him down in front of my desk and told me to behave that Spike had something
to tell me. She then nervously left the room doing a lot of double takes at
me. When she finally closed the door to my office I turned my golden glare to
Spike. I didn’t know if I could sit there and calmly listen to him speak but
with my hands digging into the arms of my chair I did and boy when he started
talking he wouldn’t shut up.
He told me about how after
he died in the Hellmouth he woke up and was in this white room. A man had come
into the room and proceeded to tell him that even though he had sacrificed his
life to save the world that it wasn’t enough. That he still had to redeem
himself in order to move on. I asked him move on to where. He didn’t know and
the guy wouldn’t tell him. He only said that there were wrongs that he had
done that he had to buck up to.
Now this didn’t surprise me
because I know Spike, damn I created Spike and I knew of all the evil acts he
had committed. Plus from what
He then went on to tell me
that he was supposed to “help” me in the fight for good. Help me! I didn’t
need his goddamn help. He was supposed to redeem himself through his helping
and that once he did he would move on to the other dimension, whichever one
that was.
I asked him why they would
send him to me. He looked down at is feet like he wasn’t going to answer me
and then he did. “There are specific things that I did to a certain someone
that they want me to redeem myself for.” Sorry still wasn’t getting it. “Yea
so what’s that got to with me?” “Everything” he whispered. He looked
everywhere but at me and there was a long silence before he spoke again. He
took a deep unneeded breath looked me in the eye and said “the Powers That Be
told me my only chance for redemption was through the one person who could meek
out my punishment. The one person who had every right to kick the bullocks out
of me and the only person who could give me my redemption, and Peaches that
person is you.”
I turned away from him and
walked to the window and looked out into the LA night “I don’t understand
Spike, why should I be the one to redeem you, I could care less if you rotted
away in some hell dimension for thousands of years being tortured, its what you
deserve.” “Yeah well, I would agree with you there mate.” I turned around and
glared at him “Stop calling me mate.” “Whatever, look the point is that the
Powers that Be wanted me to redeem my self through you.” “Why” I waited and he
said nothing. I walked over to him grabbed him by his throat and pulled him up
out of his chair “Why?” “Because I was a vampire without a soul when I did
these things and they want me to abide by vampire law.”
I dropped him back in his
chair getting a sick feeling in my stomach “What does vampire law have to do
with anything?” He wouldn’t look at me I growled at him my features beginning
to shift “Spike you better tell me what the hell you’re talking about” and the
in a rush of words he said “The Powers said that I had committed an act of
betrayal to one of theirs and that even though that person had forgiven me they
wouldn’t accept it. They wanted my punishment to come from the one person who
had the right to meek out that punishment…her mate.”
Buffy. It all started to
make sense, sort of. The fact that the Powers recognized Buffy as my mate was
startling considering how it always seemed that they didn’t want us to be
together. Then I realized what he had said and proceeded to beat the shit out
of him once again. In between my fists hitting his face, he told me. Told me
everything, every sordid act of manipulation he had laid at my love’s feet,
every cruel thing he had said and done. The bastard even had the gaul to go
into details about their violent intimate relationship and the end of that
relationship and finally what had prompted him to leave Sunnydale and try to
the get the chip out of his head so he could go back and kill her (which
prompted another serious beating from me). But instead he got a worse
punishment he got his soul back.
He was crying at this point,
grabbing onto my leg like he was seeking forgiveness. He was saying how he
didn’t understand how I lived with it day after day, knowing the horrible
things I had done, the guilt the pain and still walk around and live. He said
the one thing he regretted most was the way things had turned out with Buffy.
He wanted her friendship her respect, he thought he had earned it fighting by
her side protecting Dawn. And when he got his soul back he realized what he
had done and he didn’t know what to do about it. So to redeem himself in her
eyes, he sacrificed himself to the save the world, the people, that she loved.
But as it turns out that
wasn’t enough, at least for the Powers. And thank god for that because it’s
not enough for me either. So they sent me him back to me to punish the wayward
childe that had disrespected his sire’s mate.
After that long speech I had
to leave I kicked him around the room a few more times and then had him locked
up in one of the boardrooms until I could figure things out.
Figuring things out entailed
a good two days in the gym beating the shit out of everything and anyone that
happened to come into the gym. And then another two days of non-stop hunting
and killing anything that drank blood and had blond hair. All I wanted was to
get my hands around that little English pricks head and rip it off. Letting Angelus
loose to do the deed crossed my mind, I won’t lie because lets face it Angelus
is the master of torture techniques. And lord knows that’s what I wanted to do
to the bastard.
To say I was pissed would be
an understatement, I mean I left her in their care and this is what happens.
Didn’t they see what she was going through didn’t they see what she needed.
And how in gods name could they let Spike go unpunished for what he did.
I wanted answers so I went to
the hotel and sought out Xander and Giles. I walked in looked around the lobby
and spotted Xander and Giles at the counter talking. I walked right up to
Xander picked him up and yelled right in his face “Harris” I growled “please
explain to me why you didn’t kill Spike after he tried to rape Buffy?” Giles
dropped the sword he was holding and sputtered out “Wwwhat?”
Well it turns out that Giles
didn’t even know what had happened, or almost happened. They never told him.
Geez I thought I was bad; Ripper could really give Angelus a run for his money
when it comes to pain. Because Ripper walked right over to Xander and grabbed
his arm and pulled it so fast and so hard that it dislocated and Xander was
left crying on the floor trying to explain that he wanted to kill Spike but no
one would let him, especially Buffy. Ripper or myself probably would’ve
finished the job because we were both ready to pounce again on poor old Xander
when
“Separate” and next thing I
knew I was flying across the room and into the wall and Ripper was flying
across the other side of the room. We both left holes in the wall from the
force of the witch’s commands. I got up, Ripper more slowly, and looked at
“You knew about this and
didn’t do anything?” I asked her. “It wasn’t my decision to make Angel. It
was Buffy’s.” That really pissed me off. I was in game face now; snarling, eyes
blazing gold and walked right up into her face. She looked at me her eyes
still black like she was daring me to do something. My fists were clenched at
my sides and I was struggling to keep the demon at bay.
Then her eyes changed back
to blue and she looked at me tenderly, touched my check and spoke softly trying
to calm me. “Angel, try to understand. There were so many things that had
happened. Buffy was so lost, so lonely and in so much pain, after I ripped her
out of heaven. She thought that she came back wrong, not human. She did what
she did to try to give herself some sort of feeling. She knew it was wrong but
couldn’t stop. And when she finally did realize she felt ashamed and dirty.
When she broke it off with him, he couldn’t accept it. He tried but she
stopped him. She blames herself for what happened” “No…this is not her
fault.” “I know that Angel, but she didn’t and that part of her that felt
responsible wasn’t able to kill him for it. And when he came back with a soul
she felt that he had a chance to redeem himself.”
I didn’t know what to say so
I stormed out hearing Rippers angry shouts to both Xander and
At some point a sense of
calm came over me and I started to think, why would the Powers send him to me?
They had to know what my reaction would be. It was a test, another test in a
long line of tests to gain my humanity back. Forgiveness isn’t that what being
human means? The ability to look beyond the hatred and pettiness and give
forgiveness to someone who maybe can’t forgive themselves.
I got it. And if that’s
what it took to get my mate back that is what I would become for her, for me,
for our future and us. I would forgive the unforgivable and become a better
man for it. I would gain the respect of my mate, of the Powers and I would
have the future that was once denied to me.
So after that I hounded
everyone for information on Buffy, where she was, how she was. I gave
I was starting to brood
again not knowing if I could take much more of this when Harmony came in. “Hey
boss here’s your mail. Nothing special just the usual, bills, demons looking
for a good lawyer, oh it looks like you have a letter from overseas.”
I grabbed it out of her hand
a growled at her to leave. She huffed and walked out closing the door behind
her. I pressed the button under my desk and locked the door and stared at the
envelope. It was postmarked from
I walked over to the bar
grabbed the bottle of whiskey and sat on the couch. I held the letter in my
hands and brought it up to my face and smelled it. It smelt like vanilla, like
sunshine…like Buffy. I took a swig of whiskey and opened the letter.