So here I sit at a small table outside a café’ in Galway.  Well I did say I was going back to the beginning right?  Ok so maybe it’s not my beginning, but it’s just somewhere I felt I needed to be.  

 

When I first arrived I wandered around not knowing where to go.  I was walking down the street and I saw this sign that said McMurphy’s Inn.  So I thought McMurphy’s Inn sounds like a good Irish inn.  So I went in slapped me Platinum card on the desk and signed my name in the register.  

 

After the bellboy, if that’s what they call him, showed me to my room, I laid my tired body on the bed, closed my eyes and dreamt of strong arms holding me tight and beautiful chocolate eyes starring into my soul.

 

That was 12 months ago and since then I never looked back.  I traveled all over Ireland, England, Scotland, and, I couldn’t resist, Prague.  They were all beautiful places filled with such history and lore.  But I was always drawn back to Eire.  I guess that’s because most of the time my head was filled with thoughts of one dark haired brown-eyed Irishman/Demon.  Yes that’s right I mush them together as one, because lets face it, without the demon there would be no Irishman.  So it seems clear to me, always has, that they are one in the same man. It all depends on who is in control.  And thankfully it’s the Irishman.

 

But, back to my musing, so during my ‘me time’ I spoke with the gang often.  About a month after I arrived I called Giles.  He told me that they had bought a building, with help from Angel and were living in the Hyperion Hotel.  Giles, Wesley and Faith were training the potentials that had decided to stay.  Robin headed the educational part of the slayers training, Xander had started his own construction company in LA and Andrew stayed with them and turned out to be the Chefs of all chefs.  Dawn was going to UCLA studying History and Mythology, and Giles was training her to be a Watcher. I always knew she was Watcher material.  I was glad, it sounded like they had all found a place for themselves in the aftermath of destruction that closed one chapter in our lives and opened another.

 

A lot of the old wounds were laid to rest and new friendships begun.  I spoke with Willow the most over this time; we regained that closeness we once shared.  We talked about everything, Angel, Oz, Riley, my mom, Tara.  I shared with her how I felt that year I came back.  How hard it was and the resentment I felt towards her.  The reasons behind the whole Spike mess and how I now understand why she did it and that I had forgiven her.  

 

She spoke of Tara and killing Warren and how she still felt ashamed of what she had done.  We laughed, we cried and we once again became sisters.  It was wonderful to have that with her again, guess I really missed it.  We made a pact to never hide anything from each other again to always be honest and to never interfere in the other ones perceived happiness.

 

I also spoke with Faith a lot.  We became closer then we ever were.  We talked about the mayor, the body-switching incident and we talked a lot about Angel.  I told her all the insecurities I had about them.  How hurt I was when I went to LA and saw them together.  She told me how bad she always felt for that.  She said she looks back now and doesn’t understand who that girl was.  She apologized for sleeping with Riley.  I told her I was always more made at Riley then her.  I mean how could he not see that it wasn’t me.  She laughed and said, “yeah Angel would’ve known.”   And I realized that she was right Angel would have known, one more notch against the Buffy Riley Saga.  

 

There were even conference calls with Faith, Willow and myself.  We would talk for hours on the phone.  Those two have become real close they mended their old wounds too and now I can happily say that we, the three of us, are family.

 

Now you’re probably wondering why I’m not including Xander and Dawn in my ‘family’, well I didn’t talk to Xander much, the reason well I realized that I held a lot of resentment towards him.  During my talks with Willow I discovered a lot of the old hurts that he had caused me were still very fresh.  I tried to understand why someone who called me a friend would attack me anytime I did something that he didn’t think was right.  My relationship with Angel for one thing, is the biggest obstacle to tackle when it comes to repairing our friendship.  

 

I looked back and remembered all the hurtful, jealous things he said to me, and how he tried to push me back to Riley.  How he thought that he was the authority on my love life.  Pff what about him?  It was not alright for me to love a vampire but it was perfectly all right for him to love an ex-vengeance demon. What a hypocrite.  Well I don’t know if things will ever be good between us again, and I don’t even know if I want to try.  Too much water under that bridge, too deep, too many undercurrents that threaten to pull me back to oblivion.  And I’m not doing that anymore.

 

I also didn’t speak with Dawn much either and I don’t really know why.  I think I’m still trying to figure that one out.  I mean lets face it my life did a complete 180 when she showed up.  It seemed like everything went down hill at full speed and I couldn’t control it and I couldn’t stop it.  I mean I died for her and how does she repay me, by kicking me out of my own home.  Not trusting me!  Me…the girl who jumped into a hell portal to save her life…ungrateful bitch!   Yes there is a lot of anger and resentment towards her too that I don’t know if I want to fix.  She’s probably better off anyways without me.  She’s in school and Giles will mold her into the perfect little Watcher.

 

One night when Willow and I were talking I finally had enough nerve to ask her what I’d been dying to ask for months.

 

“Will, how’s Angel?” there was a brief silence before she answered me. “He’s doing good Buffy, ya know trying to get comfortable with the whole running the evil law firm gig.”  I laughed out load when she first told me that, who would’ve thought that my honey would be running an evil; oh make that ex-evil, law firm.  Angel in a suit and tie, I have got to see that. So I made Willow send me a picture, which by the way now sits on my nightstand next to the bed so I can stare at it and drool myself to sleep.  Yummy!  

 

“You know Buffy you should really call him, he wants to talk to you.” “Yeah I know.”  “He keeps asking me about you, you know in his round about I-don’t-want-to-bother-her way.”  But I still didn’t have the courage yet or even know what to say to him so I left it at that.  “Will just tell him, god I don’t know what to tell him that’s why I haven’t.”  “I know Buffy I don’t want to push you either but just in case your feeling up to it I’ll give you the number so you can call whenever you are ready.”   So, I took the number and taped it next to the picture…and never called.

 

That night I had the strangest dream.  I was walking down this long corridor and I came to a door.  I opened the door and I walked inside and found Angel and Spike sitting on floor Indian style facing each other, playing truth or dare.  That scared the hell out of me and I woke up instantly knowing that something was wrong.

 

My suspicions were confirmed when the next day Willow called and told me something I never thought I would ever hear or have to deal with.  “Buffy are you sitting down?”  “Yes, I am lounging actually.  What’s the what Will you sound so…dire.”  “Buffy, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to come out and say it.”  “Good Will don’t beat around the bush, spit it out, after all, after the master, a hell god, two deaths, and a couple of apocalypses I can handle anything you throw at me.”  

 

There was a long silence, and I was starting to regret those brave words just spoken.  “Buffy, Spike is alive.”  “Wha-wha-what?” I stuttered.  “I mean not really alive, like breathing alive, but like alive as dead-alive.”  I couldn’t believe what she was saying, no way.  “What did you just say Willow, I don’t think I heard you correctly, you know transcontinental static and all?”  “No Buffy you heard me correctly.”

 

She then proceeded to tell me how yesterday out of nowhere Spike appears in Angel’s office at Wolfram & Hart.  They have no idea how or why but that they were researching it and trying to keep them from killing each other.

 

Ok people this is like my worst nightmlare come true and wasn’t it just last night that I had that really freaky dream!  My one true love, my soul mate alone for god knows how long with the one thing I regretted most in this life.  

 

This new revelation made me look over the whole ‘Spike Incident’ in a new light.  I mean over the past months I was able to look at everything in a new way, a different angle.  This was one thing I hadn’t yet touched on.  Maybe it was still too raw too new.  I don’t know, but now that it was practically thrown in my face, like the Powers are saying “Okay its time to step up to the plate and take a swing at it”, I felt like I had no choice.  And maybe it was time anyway.  My dream just confirmed that it was.  Angel and Spike playing truth or dare!  Oh God – take the dare Spike!

 

So I had to reevaluate everything that happened with Spike and these were the conclusions I came too.  First off, I didn’t exactly lie when I told Spike that I loved him minutes before he died.  I did, I mean do love him.  But it’s like a friend love, born out of respect and appreciation for all that he did for me even when I was the biggest bitch going.  How he stayed by my side when I needed him, how he watched over Dawnie when I was dead.    

 

Secondly, what I do regret about my relationship with Spike was the intimate part of it.  I was finally able to buck up to the fact that it was not all his doing.  I was so lost and needy at that time, so unsure of my self, that anything even if it was pain/pleasure, to make me feel was better then not feeling at all.   Now don’t get me wrong, the sex was good, better then good actually, in fact I would rate it as the second best I ever had (bet you can guess who the best was!).  But it was wrong.  It was for all the wrong reasons.  There was no love, or passion born out of love.  It was about pain, violence and control, feeling something other then the coldness that seeped through every part of my being after I came back.  I recognized it for what it was only after that little run in with Riley and the new Mrs. Riley. What a shocker that had been, but that’s another story and in the end I realized that no matter what he did or said he was still just an evil soulless demon.

 

No my relationship with Spike would have been so much more, I don’t know less complicated if it never went in that direction.  I mean we were becoming friends, confidants, allies; he was the only one of those around me that understood what was going on, someone I could talk to.

 

Now I’m not making him out to be a saint, because Lord knows he wasn’t and never will be.  It was purely selfish reasons on his part and as well as mine.  He goaded me, used my insecurities for his benefit.  To what…make me love him?  I don’t know, maybe, but knowing Spike, just to get into my pants.  

 

But when I realized all of this it was too late, the damage had been done.  There was nothing I could do to change what had happened.  Unfortunately for both of us he wouldn’t accept that.  And in his non-acceptance he did the unthinkable.  

 

It is that unthinkable that worries me the most.  Because even though I have put it behind me and don’t really arbor any bad feelings for him because of it, I know that everyone else does. They would never forgive him for that and if Angel were to find out god only knows what his reaction would be.

 

Because of his possessive alpha male nature I don’t think he would be able to accept what happened or rather what almost happened.  I don’t know what he would think of me, forgiving Spike so easily allowing him to remain in my life, living in my house.  I’m afraid that he wouldn’t respect me any more.  And that more than anything scares the shit out of me.  I could life with almost anything accept that.

 

Angel’s always been the one I tried to please.  Tried to make him see me for who I am, what I am.  Not that it was hard; he was always able to, the only one in fact.  If I lost that from him I think that would be my breaking point.

 

I figured it would be better to hear it from me then from anyone else so maybe it was time to call him.  A part of me really doesn’t want to, well because if were talking about resentment, truth is there is a lot of that for Angel.  I mean he was the one that left me.  He didn’t have any say in who I slept with he’s the one that wanted me to make love with normal guys.  Okay, okay maybe Spike’s not a normal guy, but hey what can I say, it happened and I can’t change it and I won’t apologize for it either, it is what it is.

 

I’ve known for some time now, ok I’ve always known deep down, that I want to be with Angel.  It’s always been my dream my fantasy.  But I know now that I can’t have what used to be, I have to forge something new with my love, a new stronger bond; one that will always be open and honest.  But I’m scared.  Scared that maybe after he hears what I have to tell him he won’t want me anymore.  Maybe after being around Spike, Spike telling him god knows what, he would be too disgusted with me.  

 

I had to be sure that he knew what he was getting himself into.  Make him see that I’m not the little girl he left so many years ago. And hope that he still loves me and wants to be with me.  Because I can’t walk back into his life, start something again, only to have him turn away from me again.  I can’t go through that again, and I won’t, I rather lay it all out on the line and take my chances.

 

Now, I’m still a chicken, so of course I didn’t use the phone number that Willow had given me, not yet.  I decided to write him a letter, reveal all, and drop the ball in his court.

 

So that night I sat down and wrote the longest saddest story I had ever heard in my life.  

 

I mailed it the next day and then waited.

 

 

 

Chapter Two