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Coming Home
Prologue ~ Chapter One ~ Chapter Two ~ Chapter Three ~ Chapter Four Chapter Five ~ Chapter Six ~ Chapter Seven ~ Chapter Eight
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Posted 2004 Completed Eight Chapters – 40 pages
Rating NC-17/MA
Disclaimer All characters belong to the Almighty Joss
Distribution If you already archive my stories then feel free, otherwise please ask
Timeline BTVS – Post Chosen ATS – Post Not Fade Away The entire Buffyverse happened with the exception that Buffy already knows that Angel slept with Darla, and Connor was never born.
Pairing Buffy & Angel
Summary Buffy's living in Ireland and reflecting on her life. When she finally realizes where she belongs, she heads back home to the only person that she ever really loved.
EBOOK It’s free! (583 kb)
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Galway, Ireland
Here I sit, at a small table outside a café in Galway. This is where I’ve been since that fateful day, the day that changed my life forever. I still remember it as if it was yesterday, still so clear in my mind and body. Standing there looking at the gaping hole that used to be my home, the memories both good and bad filtered through my mind and then all at once it stopped and then nothing. I felt nothing but the sudden almost overwhelming feeling of ‘what now’ and then realizing that I didn’t really care what the answer was.
I suddenly felt like the weight I had been carrying since I was 15 had been lifted. I felt free, relaxed, normal…baked cookie? I still cringe when I think of that analogy, but even if it was ridicules, I still think it was accurate. I mean who the hell am I…girl, woman, slayer, all the things that had been denied to me for so long now seemed possible and I had no idea where to begin.
After everyone asked me what we were going to do now, I didn’t have an answer so we all got on the bus and headed to LA. I sat in the back of the bus and leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I was in desperate need of sleep but the entire night kept playing over and over in my mind like a bad “B” movie. Everything I did and said, all the people that didn’t make it, Anya, Spike. Not to mention the gapping sword wound in my stomach. I still can’t believe I’m still breathing and that I’m not dead at the bottom of the Hellmouth. For some reason it would seem fitting to finally be taken out, to be eternally in the Hellmouth, suffering at the hands of some demon. But I made it, and if I’m truthful the most important people in my life made it. I say truthful because for some reason it doesn’t seem to bother me so much that Anya didn’t make it. I only feel bad for Xander but then again if I really look deep inside of myself I really don’t feel bad for Xander. I mean I’ve had to go through this same thing so many times in my life and he never seemed to understand what it took out of me. Well maybe now does.
The potentials I don’t feel anything for them, maybe I’m colder inside then I thought. And as for Spike oddly enough I’m not upset about that either. He made his decision; he did what he thought he had to do. There was nothing left to be said between us. He knew how I felt and I knew how he felt; two warriors fighting for the same thing. Although in his case he probably just did to get on my good side. Well there’s nothing that can be done about it now. Hopefully he will find some peace, then again maybe he’s the one stuck in the Hellmouth being tortured by demons. Ah he’d probably get off on it I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. I mean let’s be honest here, he only recently got his soul back and he didn’t seem to give a rats ass about any of the atrocities he had committed as vampire, not like…my Angel.
My Angel…mmmm now there’s a nice ‘getting off’ thought. God I still can’t believe he showed up. After so long of not seeing him, poof there he was like magic, saving my ass again. And god did he look good; I was dumbstruck that he was even there, that I was looking into his beautiful face, touching him. It had been too long since I could do that. The only thing I could think of was touching him more, get as close as I could, because who knew it could’ve been the last time I ever saw him again. So I did the first thing that came to my mind. I grabbed his head and kissed him and I tried to pour into that kiss everything I ever felt for him; love, pain, and the overwhelming almost desperate need to feel him again.
Now at the time, I was so consumed with everything going on that it never occurred to me that he came back for me. I actually got the sense that he wanted to be with me. Not that I ever really doubted it, yeah right, but I always assumed that he would be logical and rational. Things he had always been, even if it meant denying that which we both wanted more than anything else in this world…each other.
But when we kissed I got the distinct feeling that something had changed for him. That finally after all this time he was ready to say, “screw everything” I want my life to be with you. I tried to think of what it could have been. I know we hadn’t exactly kept in touch in the past year. Maybe some things in his life had changed and he felt better about himself, about me, about our love. But I knew it wasn’t the time. I had a job to finish I had to send him away because I couldn’t lose him too. Besides this wasn’t his fight it was mine and everyone else in my small dysfunctional family, and yes that included Spike.
Spike…that was something I don’t think either one of us really wanted to talk about. Ok he did I didn’t. I don’t know how much he knew but he said he could smell him on me, damn vampire senses. I’m a chicken what can I say. I could never lie to him and yet I knew what I would have to say would hurt him. Make him feel like he gave everything up for nothing, that I was still in the darkness and with his worst nightmare no less. But there were so many things he didn’t know so many things I wanted to tell him. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that I wasn’t ready to see him. There were too many things I had to straighten out for myself before I could even begin to explain it to him.
So with that thought in my mind and my decision made, my eyes snapped open and I jumped up from my seat, I walked down the aisle towards Giles who was driving the bus. I briefly looked at everyone as I passed them; Dawn was sitting there staring out at the window in a daze, tears running down her cheek, probably missing Spike. Willow was whispering quietly to Xander who was resting his head on her shoulder. At one time, I probably would’ve stopped to comfort them but I couldn’t I just didn’t feel any sympathy for them. I was so numb their pain didn’t matter to me. Over the last year we just weren’t that close anymore. I still loved them but the need to comfort and protect them seemed like a distant memory.
Oddly enough it was when I reached the seat where Faith was sitting cradling Robin’s bleeding body on her lap, that warmth spread through me. I looked at her I mean really looked at her, maybe for the first time. It’s funny how hard times make you realize what’s important and that old hates and regrets don’t mean anything. I suddenly realized I love Faith even with all her faults and that I respected her for trying to be a better a person and trying to make her life more than what it was. We maybe haven’t always seen things eye to eye, but she was the only one besides Angel, that really knew what it meant to be a Slayer, now more than ever she understood. All of a sudden I felt closer to her then I did with the people that had stood by my side these last seven years. I mean Faith had always given it to me straight, told me the way it was. Not like my so-called best friends, who always felt like they had to hide things from me and make my decisions for me.
I smiled at her and held out my hand. She looked up at me took my hand and squeezed it and we smiled at each other and the feeling of sisterly slayer camaraderie was felt by both of us. There were no words to say, she nods her head, releases my hand and lays her hand back on Robin’s head lightly petting him. I don’t know if they’ll make it work, but hey I’m not standing in the way of anyone’s love life.
I continue to the front of the bus and stop by Giles side. I lean into him and speak very softly in his ear so only he can hear. He turns his eyes and looks at me almost like he knew what I was going to say. He smiles sadly at me and nods his head and turns his eyes back to the road.
I make my way back to my seat and sit down. I close my eyes and try to rest before my new journey really begins. Just when I’m about to fall into a deep sleep I hear Willow’s voice in my head. “Buffy?” “Yeah Will.” She hesitates “You’re not going with us, to LA I mean, to Angel’s?” I sigh in my head “I can’t Will, I can’t see him yet, there are too many things that I need to figure out first and well you know being near him, it doesn’t make the thinking thing any easier.” “I know. I want to tell you something, something I think you have a right to know, something I am sure he didn’t tell you himself, but when I was in LA last month and re-cursed him?” “Yeah” Something in my heart fluttered at the sound of her voice in my head I anxiously waited for what she was going to say but all of a sudden I knew it, I knew what she was going to say. “I changed the curse. I told him and I told him he should tell you and of course he got all noble and said that he didn’t want to interfere in your life that he didn’t have a right. And that he didn’t know if it would even matter to you anymore” there’s hesitation in her voice “because…because of Spike.”
And there it was…the reason for the feeling I had gotten and couldn’t shake. So something had changed and it was because of Spike that he didn’t tell me. I guess I can’t blame him. Knowing Angel, whom I think I do even after years of separation, this must have been really hard for him to hear. Because let’s face it, my ex-honey has always had a jealous streak in him when it came to me. Funny how that still makes me tingly inside thinking about his jealousy. For him to still feel possessive towards me after all this time apart makes me feel all warm and gooey inside, like cookie dough! Geez I really got to get a new analogy.
“I know Will. I mean he didn’t tell me but I did get this weird feeling like he was hedging for something. I knew something must have happened. Turns out it’s a big something.” “Yeah well I just thought you had a right to know.”
She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes like she’s trying to find the right words to say. “Buffy, I want you to know that I love you like my sister and even though I may have not always showed it or supported you in your decisions, I’ve always respected you and what you have had to sacrifice. After Tara died I realized so many things and I think I finally got it, the depth of your love for him and I truly understand what it took for you to let him go. That’s why I changed the curse I did it for you, I want you to have a chance of happiness. The chance to have something you’ve always wanted but always had to give up.” “I know Will I love you too. I understand and I appreciate it, I just don’t know yet if I’m ready. I mean it is what I’ve always wanted and now it’s in my reach and I don’t think I can grab it right now.” “I understand. You do what you have to do Buffy and know that I will support whatever decision you make.” “Thanks Will it means a lot to me.”
When we finally arrived in LA Giles pulled over at a bus stop and walked out with me. I didn’t say anything to the potentials because let’s face it they don’t like me or respect me and truth be told I really don’t care and definitely don’t feel the need to explain myself to them. I glance up at Faith, Willow, Xander and Dawn; they all give me that sad little smile of knowing. And I wave to them and they all wave back. I walk with Giles down the sidewalk and he grabs my arm and turns me towards him.
“Here,” he hands me a piece of paper with a phone number on it and an American Express Platinum Card, yeah me! “Take this and go wherever you want, spend whatever you want, do whatever you want. Take all the time you need to decide what it is you want to do with the rest of your life…and with whom you want to spend it with” I look into eyes and know I’m going to cry because he can read me like I book, I should’ve known. Even though the last year we hadn’t been that close it didn’t matter. We both cry as he grabs me in a fierce fatherly hug. “Don’t worry about Dawn I’ll watch over her. And call me whenever you’re ready.” I look at the only man I have ever thought of as my father and nod my head. “Thank you Giles for everything. I love you.” He softly cups my cheek, “I love you too. Now go get out of here.”
I watch as he gets back on the bus and drives off. I stand there in the LA darkness watching the lights disappear and am at a complete loss as to where to go. I walk back to the bus station and sit down on the bench. You know the wood ones that make you feel like you have a 2 by 4 stapled to your back and you can never get comfortable. I sit there for what seems like hours, my life flashing before my eyes, trying to find some sense of hope inside of me, something to make me feel alive.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and it was like a wave washing over my entire being, like the Powers themselves were cleansing me. A whole new feeling spread through me, my being, and my soul and I felt rejuvenated, alive! My whole life was before me I could start new. Find myself discover who I was what I wanted. I was ready I was ready to take that step. I stood up and walked over to the counter to buy my ticket I finally decided where to go… back to the beginning of course!
So here I sit at a small table outside a café’ in Galway. Well I did say I was going back to the beginning right? Ok so maybe it’s not my beginning, but it’s just somewhere I felt I needed to be.
When I first arrived I wandered around not knowing where to go. I was walking down the street and I saw this sign that said McMurphy’s Inn. So I thought McMurphy’s Inn sounds like a good Irish inn. So I went in slapped me Platinum card on the desk and signed my name in the register.
After the bellboy, if that’s what they call him, showed me to my room, I laid my tired body on the bed, closed my eyes and dreamt of strong arms holding me tight and beautiful chocolate eyes staring into my soul.
That was 12 months ago and since then I never looked back. I traveled all over Ireland, England, Scotland, and, I couldn’t resist, Prague. They were all beautiful places filled with such history and lore. But I was always drawn back to Eire. I guess that’s because most of the time my head was filled with thoughts of one dark haired brown-eyed Irishman/Demon. Yes that’s right I mush them together as one, because let’s face it, without the demon there would be no Irishman. So it seems clear to me, always has, that they are one in the same man. It all depends on who is in control. And thankfully it’s the Irishman.
But, back to my musing, so during my ‘me time’ I spoke with the gang often. About a month after I arrived I called Giles. He told me that they had bought a building, with help from Angel and were living in the Hyperion Hotel. Giles, Wesley and Faith were training the potentials that had decided to stay. Robin headed the educational part of the slayers training, Xander had started his own construction company in LA and Andrew stayed with them and turned out to be the Chefs of all chefs. Dawn was going to UCLA studying History and Mythology, and Giles was training her to be a Watcher. I always knew she was Watcher material. I was glad, it sounded like they had all found a place for themselves in the aftermath of destruction that closed one chapter in our lives and opened another.
A lot of the old wounds were laid to rest and new friendships begun. I spoke with Willow the most over this time; we regained that closeness we once shared. We talked about everything, Angel, Oz, Riley, my mom, Tara. I shared with her how I felt that year I came back. How hard it was and the resentment I felt towards her. The reasons behind the whole Spike mess and how I now understand why she did it and that I had forgiven her.
She spoke of Tara and killing Warren and how she still felt ashamed of what she had done. We laughed, we cried and we once again became sisters. It was wonderful to have that with her again, guess I really missed it. We made a pact to never hide anything from each other again to always be honest and to never interfere in the other ones perceived happiness.
I also spoke with Faith a lot. We became closer than we ever were. We talked about the mayor, the body-switching incident and we talked a lot about Angel. I told her all the insecurities I had about them. How hurt I was when I went to LA and saw them together. She told me how bad she always felt for that. She said she looks back now and doesn’t understand who that girl was. She apologized for sleeping with Riley. I told her I was always more made at Riley then her. I mean how could he not see that it wasn’t me. She laughed and said, “yeah Angel would’ve known.” And I realized that she was right Angel would have known, one more notch against the Buffy Riley Saga.
There were even conference calls with Faith, Willow and myself. We would talk for hours on the phone. Those two have become real close they mended their old wounds too and now I can happily say that we, the three of us, are family.
Now you’re probably wondering why I’m not including Xander and Dawn in my ‘family’, well I didn’t talk to Xander much, the reason well I realized that I held a lot of resentment towards him. During my talks with Willow I discovered a lot of the old hurts that he had caused me were still very fresh. I tried to understand why someone who called me a friend would attack me anytime I did something that he didn’t think was right. My relationship with Angel for one thing, is the biggest obstacle to tackle when it comes to repairing our friendship.
I looked back and remembered all the hurtful, jealous things he said to me, and how he tried to push me back to Riley. How he thought that he was the authority on my love life. Pff what about him? It was not alright for me to love a vampire but it was perfectly all right for him to love an ex-vengeance demon. What a hypocrite. Well I don’t know if things will ever be good between us again, and I don’t even know if I want to try. Too much water under that bridge, too deep, too many undercurrents that threaten to pull me back to oblivion. And I’m not doing that anymore.
I also didn’t speak with Dawn much either and I don’t really know why. I think I’m still trying to figure that one out. I mean let’s face it my life did a complete 180 when she showed up. It seemed like everything went downhill at full speed and I couldn’t control it and I couldn’t stop it. I mean I died for her and how does she repay me, by kicking me out of my own home. Not trusting me! Me…the girl who jumped into a hell portal to save her life…ungrateful bitch! Yes there is a lot of anger and resentment towards her too that I don’t know if I want to fix. She’s probably better off anyways without me. She’s in school and Giles will mold her into the perfect little Watcher.
One night when Willow and I were talking I finally had enough nerve to ask her what I’d been dying to ask for months.
“Will, how’s Angel?” there was a brief silence before she answered me. “He’s doing good Buffy, ya know trying to get comfortable with the whole running the evil law firm gig.” I laughed out loud when she first told me that, who would’ve thought that my honey would be running an evil; oh make that ex-evil, law firm. Angel in a suit and tie, I have got to see that. So I made Willow send me a picture, which by the way now sits on my nightstand next to the bed so I can stare at it and drool myself to sleep. Yummy!
“You know Buffy you should really call him, he wants to talk to you.” “Yeah I know.” “He keeps asking me about you, you know in his roundabout I-don’t-want-to-bother-her way.” But I still didn’t have the courage yet or even know what to say to him so I left it at that. “Will just tell him, god I don’t know what to tell him that’s why I haven’t.” “I know Buffy I don’t want to push you either but just in case you’re feeling up to it I’ll give you the number so you can call whenever you are ready.” So, I took the number and taped it next to the picture…and never called.
That night I had the strangest dream. I was walking down this long corridor and I came to a door. I opened the door and I walked inside and found Angel and Spike sitting on floor Indian style facing each other, playing truth or dare. That scared the hell out of me and I woke up instantly knowing that something was wrong.
My suspicions were confirmed when the next day Willow called and told me something I never thought I would ever hear or have to deal with. “Buffy are you sitting down?” “Yes, I am lounging actually. What’s the what Will you sound so…dire.” “Buffy, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to come out and say it.” “Good Will don’t beat around the bush, spit it out, after all, after the master, a hell god, two deaths, and a couple of apocalypses I can handle anything you throw at me.”
There was a long silence, and I was starting to regret those brave words just spoken. “Buffy, Spike is alive.” “Wha-wha-what?” I stuttered. “I mean not really alive, like breathing alive, but like alive as dead-alive.” I couldn’t believe what she was saying, no way. “What did you just say Willow, I don’t think I heard you correctly, you know transcontinental static and all?” “No Buffy you heard me correctly.”
She then proceeded to tell me how yesterday out of nowhere Spike appears in Angel’s office at Wolfram & Hart. They have no idea how or why but that they were researching it and trying to keep them from killing each other.
Ok people this is like my worst nightmare come true and wasn’t it just last night that I had that really freaky dream! My one true love, my soul mate alone for god knows how long with the one thing I regretted most in this life.
This new revelation made me look over the whole ‘Spike Incident’ in a new light. I mean over the past months I was able to look at everything in a new way, a different angle. This was one thing I hadn’t yet touched on. Maybe it was still too raw too new. I don’t know, but now that it was practically thrown in my face, like the Powers are saying “Okay its time to step up to the plate and take a swing at it”, I felt like I had no choice. And maybe it was time anyway. My dream just confirmed that it was. Angel and Spike playing truth or dare! Oh God – take the dare Spike!
So I had to reevaluate everything that happened with Spike and these were the conclusions I came too. First off, I didn’t exactly lie when I told Spike that I loved him minutes before he died. I did, I mean do love him. But it’s like a friend love, born out of respect and appreciation for all that he did for me even when I was the biggest bitch going. How he stayed by my side when I needed him, how he watched over Dawnie when I was dead.
Secondly, what I do regret about my relationship with Spike was the intimate part of it. I was finally able to buck up to the fact that it was not all his doing. I was so lost and needy at that time, so unsure of myself, that anything even if it was pain/pleasure, to make me feel was better than not feeling at all. Now don’t get me wrong, the sex was good, better than good actually, in fact I would rate it as the second best I ever had (bet you can guess who the best was!). But it was wrong. It was for all the wrong reasons. There was no love, or passion born out of love. It was about pain, violence and control, feeling something other than the coldness that seeped through every part of my being after I came back. I recognized it for what it was only after that little run in with Riley and the new Mrs. Riley. What a shocker that had been, but that’s another story and in the end I realized that no matter what he did or said he was still just an evil soulless demon.
No my relationship with Spike would have been so much more, I don’t know less complicated if it never went in that direction. I mean we were becoming friends, confidants, allies; he was the only one of those around me that understood what was going on, someone I could talk to.
Now I’m not making him out to be a saint, because Lord knows he wasn’t and never will be. It was purely selfish reasons on his part and as well as mine. He goaded me, used my insecurities for his benefit. To what…make me love him? I don’t know, maybe, but knowing Spike, just to get into my pants.
But when I realized all of this it was too late, the damage had been done. There was nothing I could do to change what had happened. Unfortunately for both of us he wouldn’t accept that. And in his non-acceptance he did the unthinkable.
It is that unthinkable that worries me the most. Because even though I have put it behind me and don’t really arbor any bad feelings for him because of it, I know that everyone else does. They would never forgive him for that and if Angel were to find out god only knows what his reaction would be.
Because of his possessive alpha male nature I don’t think he would be able to accept what happened or rather what almost happened. I don’t know what he would think of me, forgiving Spike so easily allowing him to remain in my life, living in my house. I’m afraid that he wouldn’t respect me anymore. And that more than anything scares the shit out of me. I could life with almost anything accept that.
Angel’s always been the one I tried to please. Tried to make him see me for who I am, what I am. Not that it was hard; he was always able to, the only one in fact. If I lost that from him I think that would be my breaking point.
I figured it would be better to hear it from me then from anyone else so maybe it was time to call him. A part of me really doesn’t want to, well because if we’re talking about resentment, truth is there is a lot of that for Angel. I mean he was the one that left me. He didn’t have any say in who I slept with he’s the one that wanted me to make love with normal guys. Okay, okay maybe Spike’s not a normal guy, but hey what can I say, it happened and I can’t change it and I won’t apologize for it either, it is what it is.
I’ve known for some time now, ok I’ve always known deep down, that I want to be with Angel. It’s always been my dream my fantasy. But I know now that I can’t have what used to be, I have to forge something new with my love, a new stronger bond; one that will always be open and honest. But I’m scared. Scared that maybe after he hears what I have to tell him he won’t want me anymore. Maybe after being around Spike, Spike telling him god knows what, he would be too disgusted with me.
I had to be sure that he knew what he was getting himself into. Make him see that I’m not the little girl he left so many years ago. And hope that he still loves me and wants to be with me. Because I can’t walk back into his life, start something again, only to have him turn away from me again. I can’t go through that again, and I won’t, I rather lay it all out on the line and take my chances.
Now, I’m still a chicken, so of course I didn’t use the phone number that Willow had given me, not yet. I decided to write him a letter, reveal all, and drop the ball in his court.
So that night I sat down and wrote the longest saddest story I had ever heard in my life.
I mailed it the next day and then waited.
LA
It had been two months since the Scoobies arrived and took over my hotel, two months of hormonal teenage girls running around my home like they owned it. God, I don’t know how Buffy could stand it. They’re driving me nuts. Half of them look at me like they want to stake me the other half look at me like they want me to stake them! As if I would, my stakes for one slayer only kiddies.
So most of the time I stay at the office the only place I could think, Cordy would have said brooding. But I like to think of it as analyzing. Analyzing everything I’ve done, trying to look at things differently. Trying not to feel guilty for things I had no control over. I mean I know the actions of the Demon are not the actions of the man. I’ve come to terms with that, he and I just happened to inhabit the same body.
And when I think of that I realize that there was one person that always knew that. Cordy, you ask? Mmpf! She never understood that she always saw us as two separate entities. I think that’s why I could never really love her love her. I do love her as my friend even though she would always mock my pain and take stabs at Buffy regardless of how many times Buffy saved her ass. No she was never able to look beyond the demon and see the man and how that man is nothing without the demon. I can accept that now, and with that acceptance came a new found inner peace.
I tried to throw myself into running Wolfram and Hart and getting back to helping people, get back on the track of redemption because I’m not blind and I know that in the past few years I fell off the track and almost got run over a couple of times. And I wanted…no desperately needed to have that sense of belonging again; to know that I was doing the right thing for the right reasons.
But with inner peace and serenity, old wants arise. And I found that it was really hard to concentrate on anything that didn’t have to do with Her. All I could think about was Her, ever since that night in the mausoleum when we kissed, god what a kiss that was. I can remember every detail, every touch, every look of longing and basking. Basking, that’s what she said. It made me feel so good to have her look at me like that again. The way she used to look at me, with love in her eyes, in her heart, in her soul.
But even though I could see and sense the love she felt there was also sadness and confusion in her eyes. A darkness that I never wanted to see in her beautiful eyes, the darkness that I thought I took with me when I left, but it was there nonetheless. I guess I’m a fool, she’s the slayer for god’s sake, and of course she’s going to be in darkness. Forever surrounded by the pitch black of night. The burden of killing the things that goes bump in the night. And the loneliness that comes with the whole slayer package.
When I went to Sunnydale that night, I went with the intention to claim once again what was mine…my mate. The only woman I’ve ever loved and ever will love. I knew she had been with Spike, even if Willow hadn’t told me, I could smell his scent on her. It wasn’t a strong intimate scent like they were still together in that way. But it was there nonetheless. And it really pissed me off. Not only had he touched her but also he protected her, fought next to her, became her friend. God it makes me so jealous to think of him having all that I’ve ever wanted and then to threw it in her face and when she rejected him.
Yes I found out about that, you’re probably wondering how. Well I was sitting in my office one morning and out of nowhere a portal opens up above my desk and out comes Spike. He lands on my desk in full Spike attire looks at me and says “Hello Peaches.” I was shell shocked, literally. I mean I knew what he did, that he had died, so what the hell was he doing back and in my office no less.
So I did the only thing I could think of, I punched him dead in the face and he went flying back and crashed into my weapons cabinet. I went over to him and proceeded to pound into him some more. Blood was flowing profusely from his face and was all over me but I couldn’t stop I was a man possessed.
“Ow mate hold up a minute.” Of course I didn’t so I picked him up again and threw him across the room where he landed with a thud on my new black leather couch. “You better not bleed on my new couch boy.” Then the office doors were thrown open and Wesley came in. “Angel what happened I heard a crash...” Wesley looked over at me blood dripping down my clenched fists and then he looked over and saw Spike on the couch bleeding all over the place. “Good lord I thought he was dead.” “So did I mate.” Spike said.
After that Wesley went into research mode and Fred came in and took Spike out to clean him up and keep me from killing him…again.
I spent hours after that pacing in my office like a caged cat. Trying to figure out what was going on. Trying to keep control of the bloodlust I felt, the urge to torture him in so many painful ways. Every act of torture I ever committed ran through my mind and I mentally put them on the list of “Things to Do To Spike When I See Him Again”. It was a rather pleasant feeling actually it had been a long time since I let myself get that worked up and reveal in it.
The next day, and when he was finally able to speak coherently again, Spike paid me a visit. Fred walked into my office, Spike trailing behind, like she was a human shield for him, she sat him down in front of my desk and told me to behave that Spike had something to tell me. She then nervously left the room doing a lot of double takes at me. When she finally closed the door to my office I turned my golden glare to Spike. I didn’t know if I could sit there and calmly listen to him speak but with my hands digging into the arms of my chair I did and boy when he started talking he wouldn’t shut up.
He told me about how after he died in the Hellmouth he woke up and was in this white room. A man had come into the room and proceeded to tell him that even though he had sacrificed his life to save the world that it wasn’t enough. That he still had to redeem himself in order to move on. I asked him move on to where. He didn’t know and the guy wouldn’t tell him. He only said that there were wrongs that he had done that he had to buck up to.
Now this didn’t surprise me because I know Spike, damn I created Spike and I knew of all the evil acts he had committed. Plus from what Willow had said he didn’t seem to show any remorse for those crimes when he got his soul back, except one, but she wouldn’t tell me what it was.
He then went on to tell me that he was supposed to “help” me in the fight for good. Help me! I didn’t need his goddamn help. He was supposed to redeem himself through his helping and that once he did he would move on to the other dimension, whichever one that was.
I asked him why they would send him to me. He looked down at is feet like he wasn’t going to answer me and then he did. “There are specific things that I did to a certain someone that they want me to redeem myself for.” Sorry still wasn’t getting it. “Yea so what’s that got to with me?” “Everything” he whispered. He looked everywhere but at me and there was a long silence before he spoke again. He took a deep unneeded breath looked me in the eye and said “the Powers That Be told me my only chance for redemption was through the one person who could meek out my punishment. The one person who had every right to kick the bullocks out of me and the only person who could give me my redemption, and Peaches that person is you.”
I turned away from him and walked to the window and looked out into the LA night “I don’t understand Spike, why should I be the one to redeem you, I could care less if you rotted away in some hell dimension for thousands of years being tortured, its what you deserve.” “Yeah well, I would agree with you there mate.” I turned around and glared at him “Stop calling me mate.” “Whatever, look the point is that the Powers that Be wanted me to redeem myself through you.” “Why” I waited and he said nothing. I walked over to him grabbed him by his throat and pulled him up out of his chair “Why?” “Because I was a vampire without a soul when I did these things and they want me to abide by vampire law.”
I dropped him back in his chair getting a sick feeling in my stomach “What does vampire law have to do with anything?” He wouldn’t look at me I growled at him my features beginning to shift “Spike you better tell me what the hell you’re talking about” and the in a rush of words he said “The Powers said that I had committed an act of betrayal to one of theirs and that even though that person had forgiven me they wouldn’t accept it. They wanted my punishment to come from the one person who had the right to meek out that punishment…her mate.”
Buffy. It all started to make sense, sort of. The fact that the Powers recognized Buffy as my mate was startling considering how it always seemed that they didn’t want us to be together. Then I realized what he had said and proceeded to beat the shit out of him once again. In between my fists hitting his face, he told me. Told me everything, every sordid act of manipulation he had laid at my love’s feet, every cruel thing he had said and done. The bastard even had the gall to go into details about their violent intimate relationship and the end of that relationship and finally what had prompted him to leave Sunnydale and try to the get the chip out of his head so he could go back and kill her (which prompted another serious beating from me). But instead he got a worse punishment he got his soul back.
He was crying at this point, grabbing onto my leg like he was seeking forgiveness. He was saying how he didn’t understand how I lived with it day after day, knowing the horrible things I had done, the guilt the pain and still walk around and live. He said the one thing he regretted most was the way things had turned out with Buffy. He wanted her friendship her respect, he thought he had earned it fighting by her side protecting Dawn. And when he got his soul back he realized what he had done and he didn’t know what to do about it. So to redeem himself in her eyes, he sacrificed himself to the save the world, the people, that she loved.
But as it turns out that wasn’t enough, at least for the Powers. And thank god for that because it’s not enough for me either. So they sent me him back to me to punish the wayward childe that had disrespected his sire’s mate.
After that long speech I had to leave I kicked him around the room a few more times and then had him locked up in one of the boardrooms until I could figure things out.
Figuring things out entailed a good two days in the gym beating the shit out of everything and anyone that happened to come into the gym. And then another two days of non-stop hunting and killing anything that drank blood and had blond hair. All I wanted was to get my hands around that little English pricks head and rip it off. Letting Angelus loose to do the deed crossed my mind, I won’t lie because let’s face it Angelus is the master of torture techniques. And lord knows that’s what I wanted to do to the bastard.
To say I was pissed would be an understatement, I mean I left her in their care and this is what happens. Didn’t they see what she was going through didn’t they see what she needed. And how in god’s name could they let Spike go unpunished for what he did.
I wanted answers so I went to the hotel and sought out Xander and Giles. I walked in looked around the lobby and spotted Xander and Giles at the counter talking. I walked right up to Xander picked him up and yelled right in his face “Harris” I growled “please explain to me why you didn’t kill Spike after he tried to rape Buffy?” Giles dropped the sword he was holding and sputtered out “Wwwhat?”
Well it turns out that Giles didn’t even know what had happened, or almost happened. They never told him. Geez I thought I was bad; Ripper could really give Angelus a run for his money when it comes to pain. Because Ripper walked right over to Xander and grabbed his arm and pulled it so fast and so hard that it dislocated and Xander was left crying on the floor trying to explain that he wanted to kill Spike but no one would let him, especially Buffy. Ripper or myself probably would’ve finished the job because we were both ready to pounce again on poor old Xander when Willow walked in.
“Separate” and next thing I knew I was flying across the room and into the wall and Ripper was flying across the other side of the room. We both left holes in the wall from the force of the witch’s commands. I got up, Ripper more slowly, and looked at Willow. Her eyes, normally a pretty blue, were now pitch black. I was a little shocked to say the least. I mean I knew she had sucked up some pretty powerful mojo but to see the meek and quite Willow looking like a demon straight out of hell was mind boggling.
“You knew about this and didn’t do anything?” I asked her. “It wasn’t my decision to make Angel. It was Buffy’s.” That really pissed me off. I was in game face now; snarling, eyes blazing gold and walked right up into her face. She looked at me her eyes still black like she was daring me to do something. My fists were clenched at my sides and I was struggling to keep the demon at bay.
Then her eyes changed back to blue and she looked at me tenderly, touched my check and spoke softly trying to calm me. “Angel, try to understand. There were so many things that had happened. Buffy was so lost, so lonely and in so much pain, after I ripped her out of heaven. She thought that she came back wrong, not human. She did what she did to try to give herself some sort of feeling. She knew it was wrong but couldn’t stop. And when she finally did realize she felt ashamed and dirty. When she broke it off with him, he couldn’t accept it. He tried but she stopped him. She blames herself for what happened” “No…this is not her fault.” “I know that Angel, but she didn’t and that part of her that felt responsible wasn’t able to kill him for it. And when he came back with a soul she felt that he had a chance to redeem himself.”
I didn’t know what to say so I stormed out hearing Rippers angry shouts to both Xander and Willow and made my way to the cemetery. I walked around for hours trying to comprehend everything I had heard and every emotion that was running threw me. The urge to kill Spike over and over again was so strong I thought I would explode.
At some point a sense of calm came over me and I started to think, why would the Powers send him to me? They had to know what my reaction would be. It was a test, another test in a long line of tests to gain my humanity back. Forgiveness isn’t that what being human means? The ability to look beyond the hatred and pettiness and give forgiveness to someone who maybe can’t forgive themselves.
I got it. And if that’s what it took to get my mate back that is what I would become for her, for me, for our future and us. I would forgive the unforgivable and become a better man for it. I would gain the respect of my mate, of the Powers and I would have the future that was once denied to me.
So after that I hounded everyone for information on Buffy, where she was, how she was. I gave Willow my cell number to give to her in case she wanted to talk. But she never called.
I was starting to brood again not knowing if I could take much more of this when Harmony came in. “Hey boss here’s your mail. Nothing special just the usual, bills, demons looking for a good lawyer, oh it looks like you have a letter from overseas.”
I grabbed it out of her hand a growled at her to leave. She huffed and walked out closing the door behind her. I pressed the button under my desk and locked the door and stared at the envelope. It was postmarked from Galway and addressed, in big bubbly handwriting, handwriting I would recognize anywhere, to Liam Angelus O’Connor.
I walked over to the bar grabbed the bottle of whiskey and sat on the couch. I held the letter in my hands and brought it up to my face and smelled it. It smelt like vanilla, like sunshine…like Buffy. I took a swig of whiskey and opened the letter.
Angel,
I’m sorry it took me so long to write; it’s so beautiful here in Ireland you never told me. I’ve been here for a year now, I did a little traveling, saw other places but I was always drawn back to here. I guess because with all the baking I’ve been doing and with everything that’s happened in my life you still consume so much of my thoughts. There are so many things that I want to tell you but I’m too much of a coward to say it to your face. Plus I don’t think I could say everything I need to say because quite frankly when you are near me I can’t think. The world just disappears and there’s only you, so hence this letter.
So in my ‘baking’ process I’ve been able to see things so much clearer. Maybe it’s because I’m not surrounded by it anymore, I don’t know. What I do know is that I just want to tell you everything and be completely honest with you and myself. I’m going to tell you things that probably will hurt you and maybe make you feel guilty but I’m not telling you these things to get those reactions from you. I want to start with a clean slate. Get all the hurts and angst out of the way because I know in my heart what I want, what I’ve always wanted…I want my life to be with you.
Maybe I shouldn’t be saying any of this, maybe I’m dragging things up that should be left unsaid. Maybe you don’t care anymore or feel the same anymore. All I know is that I don’t want to hide the way I feel anymore. For so long I held onto so much resentment towards you. I was so broken after you left it was like a part of me was missing. I thought geez if he can just turn away from me after everything we’d been through, maybe he really doesn’t love me. So I tried to live the life everyone wanted for me, including you.
And I was doing an alright job of it, going to school get a nice normal boyfriend, at least that’s what I thought at the time. And then Faith showed up, tried to kill me, my mom, my friends and she slept with Riley in my body. So when I found out that she was going to LA I figured she was going after you. So I did what I thought I had to do…go to LA, help you and kill Faith.
But when I got there and saw you with Faith, I truly believed then that you didn’t love me anymore and maybe never really did at least the way that I loved you. God I was so hurt and jealous that I did what Buffy always does I lashed out. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me so I lied to you, I told you I loved Riley and that I trusted him like I could never trust you. But it wasn’t true, never! I was just so torn up; it was so hard to see you living a separate life one that I wasn’t apart of anymore. You seemed happy and I wasn’t.
But when you showed up after I didn’t know what to think, I mean here I was thinking that you didn’t love me anymore then you show up and I started to question myself. I mean if you didn’t love me you wouldn’t come to apologize to me for something that clearly was not your fault. Yes NOT YOUR FAULT.
I was the one that should’ve said I’m sorry, so I’m saying it now, I’m sorry. I was such a complete bitch that day. I was blinded by my jealousy and pain and couldn’t see that you were just doing what you always do…saving people.
As far me loving Riley, let’s just say that we were doomed from the beginning. I was just going through motions, I mean I respected him, I liked him, and we slept together as girlfriend boyfriend but it never went beyond that. I never felt whole when I was with him. It was like my body just responded because it knew that it had to. But my heart, my soul was never a part of it. It was like those parts of me were just floating above us watching with a cold distant eye. And after, they would return and just make me feel empty inside, not sated, like something was missing. But I never really saw it for what it was until later.
After you left and we defeated Adam and the Initiative, I started to get really restless. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night and going hunting. I say hunting, because that’s what it was. It wasn’t patrolling anymore it became something I felt I had to do a way to feed the darkness that was quickly seeping into every inch of my being.
One night I was hunting in Shady Rest Cemetery and I met the celebrity of vampires…Dracula. Later that night he came to my room when I was sleeping. He had me under his thrall, he started to touch my face he told me that he and I were alike that the darkness was inside of me and that I knew it. He saw your mark and said that you were not worthy of me and then he bit me.
The next day I was so ashamed all I could think about was that I betrayed you, I didn’t think of Riley at all. I mean I never even let Riley touch that part of body so it never even occurred to me how it would make him feel. So I didn’t tell anyone and I tried to hide the bite mark, but they all saw it anyway and Riley became even more insecure.
After that it was like we weren’t even a couple anymore. I was determined to understand the darkness that did live inside of me; I trained harder spent more time meditating and trying to figure out what being the slayer actually meant. Then in the midst of this Dawn showed up, then Glory showed up and then mom got sick.
It was really hard to handle everything that was going and Riley didn’t seem to understand that. Well maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault, I wasn’t all ‘miss share everything’ with him and I guess that drove him over the edge. Because sometime after mom got sick, Spike came to my house said he wanted to show me something. So I followed him to this abandoned warehouse. Inside there were vamps and humans everywhere and the humans were letting the vamps drink them. I followed Spike up the stairs and into this room where sitting in a chair with vamp whore sucking on his arm was Riley.
The next day after I burned the place down, I was training at the Magic Shop when Riley came in and said he wanted to talk. I asked him what the hell he was thinking and he said he wanted to know what pull Dracula and you had over me. He wanted to know what it felt like to have someone need him in that way. I told him he didn’t understand anything and that all he was to them was a snack. He said he needed more from me, and I told him that there was nothing left to give, that I had given him everything. But it wasn’t true I know that, I think even then I knew it, but in my denial, I didn’t want to see that because it hurt too much to know that I still loved you but couldn’t be with you. So Riley left the next night and Xander started to preach to me about how I was closing myself off to Riley because I was afraid of getting hurt again, but that was never true. When you left there was nothing left of me to give and Riley knew that. He knew even before I did.
It wasn’t until mom’s funeral when I saw you that it all clicked inside; I knew then that I never loved Riley. The fact that I could sit there in your arms, someone that I was mad at, someone I blamed for the hell-hole my life had become, and tell you how I felt and how scared I was of what was to come, how easy it was to talk to you and let you comfort me. And how all the pain and resentments washed away with that.
I wanted to hold you forever that night and never let you go. But I knew I couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been fair to you because I knew I was going to die fighting Glory, I knew I would lose. I had given up. I was so tired and lonely and lost hope. I didn’t know how to go on in a world that required me to kill everything I loved. I wanted to die Angel; I just couldn’t stand to live in this world anymore. I thought I could give Dawn the chance of a normal happy life that I never had. That’s why I told you to leave. I didn’t want you around when that happened. I didn’t want you to do anything macho and stop me from doing what I knew had to be done.
But that night was the first time that I felt good about everything, relaxed, content and ready to take on whatever it was I had to do. You do that for me you know, you touch my soul so deeply that you give me strength and courage. I loved you so much more that night and when we kissed it was like coming home.
I don’t remember much after I jumped through the portal. There were beautiful colors everywhere and I was filled with such a sense of peace and comfort, a feeling I hadn’t felt in so long. And then it stopped and I don’t really know what happened after that except I remember seeing my mom. I never told anyone that, they would probably think I’m nuts. But we talked forever about everything, all the mistakes we each made all the regrets. She told me she went to see you the day before the prom and what you talked about. God, Angel I was so mad at her and you. She had no right and either did you, making decisions about my life without me even knowing. I thought here is one more thing in my life that I didn’t have a say in, one more thing taken away from me.
After much shouting and crying I realized she only did what she did out of love. I guess I never really took the time to understand how she felt about everything, you know the whole “my daughters the slayer” thing and how hard it was for her to accept it. But then I understood how she wanted to protect me and see me have everything she thought her daughter should have. And I know that you did it for the same reasons. I know both of these things but yet I still felt hurt and betrayed by the two people I loved the most.
But then I thought back to Graduation Day. I remembered the pain that you were in and watching you suffer and how much I wanted to make it stop. And I realized that it was the same thing. I would have done anything to save you that day Angel. I’m not sorry for what happened I would do again if I had to (and truth be told…I liked it, it was the most erotic experience I ever had, to be able to give you a part of me to help you survive) but I realized that it was the same need that you two had, to protect and help the one you loved. The over powering need to see the person you love survive.
She said she regretted it. She had seen what I had become after you left, her words were “hard and colder, like a piece of me shut off and wouldn’t let anyone in.” She also told me that things were coming, bad things and that I was in for a long hard journey. Boy was she right!
When Willow brought me back...things…were hard, really hard. I didn’t understand why I was back. I thought I had fulfilled my destiny you know did the slayer thing and then died like a good little slayer. But no, it didn’t end for me; I couldn’t even find the peace in the death that I longed for in life. No peace for Buffy.
You know when Willow did the resurrection spell, Sunnydale was being overrun by Demons, they all knew the Slayer had died and no one was protecting the Hellmouth. Willow was not able to complete the spell because they were being chased by biker demons, so they left my grave.
When I woke in my casket, I was seriously freaked. I didn’t know what was going on, one minute I’m happy and content in heaven the next I’m breathing in the stench of my own dead body. I clawed my way out and the only thought I could think of was you. Remember when I was waiting for that vamp to rise and you said it was a little strange at first. Angel, strange is not the word. Fucked up, yes, discombobulated, most definitely.
After I clawed my way out I wondered the streets and then I found myself at the spot where I jumped into the portal. I was staring at it trying to understand what happened, I was so confused images were bombarding my mind and that’s when Dawn found me. She was so happy to see me she brought me home and cleaned me up and then Spike came in and boy you should’ve seen the look his face when he saw Buffy the walking corpse. He bandaged my hands up and told me how long I had been gone. God it all felt like a strange nightmare and things just got so much worse.
Willow and Tara had moved into my house to watch over Dawn and all the money from my mom’s life insurance was used up to pay the medical bills and other stuff, and it turned out that Buffy had no money. I was being threatened by child welfare I had no job, and no skills to get a job. It was like it just kept getting worse.
Then you called. God when I picked up the phone and heard your voice on the other end it was like a warm waterfall just washed all over me and filled me such longing and hope, hope that maybe things won’t be so bad after all. So I rushed out of the house to meet you.
When we met at the inn and held each other I knew I would be ok, I knew you would take care of me. But when I looked up into your eyes I could see there was so much sadness. It seemed like there was so much going on in your life that I wasn’t apart of and I didn’t want to burden you with my shit. So I lied, I told you everything was great and how wonderful it was to be back.
When we parted I felt so alone again, so lost. It’s funny it always seems like we push each other away to save the other from our pain. But do we really, because after that night things got so much worse for me.
There was so much going and I felt so detached from everything. I didn’t care about anything all I wanted was to go back, I didn’t want to live anymore.
All I wanted to do was call you and listen to your calm soothing voice telling me everything would be okay. So one night I was patrolling and just felt so empty that I decided that I would throw caution to the wind and call you but as luck would have it, I ran into a vamp that just came from LA. And in between the punches and kicks he took great pleasure in taunting me all about you and Cordelia. About how much you two were in love, two great warriors fighting side by side, keyrumption.
I guess he thought that would distract me make me vulnerable but unlucky for him because I became a crazed slayer and needless to say he didn’t get another word in after that. I started to walk home and thought well that’s that, he’s moved on. It wasn’t fair of me to call you. You had a shiny new happy life that I wasn’t apart of and probably not wanted in. So I didn’t call.
Days turned into weeks and I still felt cold and numb, not a part of anything. The gang was acting like everything was normal and hunky dory. Then Willow and Tara got into a fight and Willow being the hokey pokey witch decided a spell was in order to make Tara forget their fight. But like so many of Willows spells, it backfired and instead of effecting Tara and it affected everyone. And it was like at last peace, I had no idea who I was, what I was, what my life was like and for that one day everything was great.
Then Willow broke the spell, and everything came back, the pain, the hurt, the numbness, loneliness, it all just flooded back into me, like a dam breaking and I couldn’t stop it. It just kept coming and coming and I just couldn’t stop it.
Then they were all these pictures in my head of you and me, kissing on the pier, drinking tea in your kitchen, making love everywhere with you, a HUMAN Angel. And I thought I must have really been losing my mind, because I didn’t remember any of that happening, and I know I would remember us making love and you human.
Then I heard you saying that you had to turn it back to save me, and I was crying that it wasn’t enough time and that I would never forget. But I did, I did forget then I thought about how you must have felt and how only you remembered that day. And in my weakened state of mind I tried to rationalize things, which I couldn’t do to good at the time, I thought that you really didn’t want me anymore, that you rather live your life as a vampire then be with me. And that broke me more than finding out about you and Cordy. I was truly colder than I ever thought possible so numb that I found myself making out with Spike at the Bronze just to feel something, anything, besides the emptiness I felt.
In the morning, I was so ashamed of what I did, that I tried to avoid Spike as much as possible. Then one day I was leaving the Magic Box and ran into Spike and he started to taunt me about everything, how everyone kept leaving me about how I wasn’t right that I came back wrong, not human and to prove his point he hit me and there was no pain in his head.
So me being shocked standing there with my mouth on the floor…he hit me again. Then we just started pounding on each other. And he kept on and one about me being wrong and not human because he could hit me.
So I was listening to everything he was saying and with every punch he threw I felt it down to my soul. Then I started to think what if he’s right? There must be something wrong with me because I didn’t feel like Buffy, I was so cold inside and the pain it felt good. I wanted it; it felt I don’t know, real. So one thing led to another....
But you know the whole time I was with him, all I could think of was you. I know, perverted sick and twisted. But every time I would just clamp my eyes shut and wish to god that when I opened them there would be the most beautiful pair of chocolate eyes looking into mine. But that never happened and afterwards I just felt so sick to my stomach. I would take shower after shower trying to get myself clean, to get the smell of him off of me. Some nights I would scrub so hard I would bleed but I never got clean.
But the self loathing and sickness I felt every time I was with him didn’t matter it was an addiction, I just kept going back to him again and again because it was the only time the pain stopped. The only time I could step outside myself and not feel anything for a while.
I tried to rationalize my sick need for Spike by saying to myself that I was just trying to get closer to you, to try to have some part of you. I know more sick and twisted ness but somehow I felt closer to you when I was with him.
When I finally realized that being with him was slowly killing me I broke it off and he didn’t take it too good. He came to my house one night and tried, well let’s just say he tried to renew our relationship, but I stopped him. He wanted to make me love him, he thought by forcing me he could do that, I told him I could never love him. He left that night and I was so relieved that he was gone, that the temptation was gone. But I was scared too because once again I was alone, god I thought there really must be something wrong with me if even a soulless demon leaves me.
When he came back and with a soul no less, I just couldn’t push him away. Maybe I felt a sense of gratitude towards him for helping me when I was lost I don’t know but I had to help him, I couldn’t desert him. He was talking crazy hiding out in high school basement, he apologized during one of his ramblings he felt ashamed of what he did. I told him it was the actions of the demon not the soul that was responsible. Don’t get me wrong I am angry with him for what he did but in his own sick way he loved me and he stayed with me and in a sort of twisted way we helped each other.
I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty or to make you jealous I just really want you to understand what drove me to it. I’m not apologizing for it either, because I truly believe that if I didn’t have that I wouldn’t be here today. I think I would probably be dead again.
Angel I love you so much I’ve always loved you. What happened with Spike was nothing like what we shared. He could never replace you in my heart, my soul, hell even my body knew the difference. I just want you to understand, you don’t have to agree with me and hey you might not even like me anymore after hearing this but I need to tell you.
I also want to tell you that after everything with Spike I thought back to the day that wasn’t, and I realized that I would have done the same thing. I don’t blame you or hate you for doing what I now know you had to do. In fact I think I’m just a little bit more in love with you, if that’s possible. I only wish that you didn’t have to remember alone. And I’m sorry for forgetting and I’m sorry for letting it draw me further into the darkness.
After that things went along like they always do, I started working at the high school as a counselor and I was starting to feel better about myself. Then everything went upside down again and the First showed up, which leaves me to the last time we saw each other.
That was just slightly confusing for me. I mean besides the whole wacko women hating preacher that was trying to kill me, I kind of got the impression that maybe you wanted something more from me. At the time, I was so overwhelmed with what was going on and the other twisted scenarios going on in my life that I didn’t or maybe couldn’t see straight. To see you after a year of hell and to kiss you again god it was beautiful, to know that nothing had changed. The love I feel for you, the desire...it all just came rushing back at me. And I was confused.
I don’t know why I was confused, I mean you are and always have been the one thing in my live that I got completely, that I never had to think twice about. But then so much had passed I’ve changed so much and did some pretty stupid things. And I was scared. Scared that you wouldn’t be able to see past the person I used to be and accept the woman I had become. I mean how could you? I’m not the innocent little girl you walked away from anymore. I am a woman who didn’t even know who she was. Someone who had grown so dead and cold inside that she slept with a soulless demon to escape from the hell that her life had become.
But that night spun my whole world upside down because for so long I hadn’t let myself think of you or us so I didn’t know what to think. I still felt so tainted and dirty and just not Buffy. I didn’t want you to see what I had become, what I lowered myself too.
When you asked me why I didn’t want you to stay, you thought it was because of Spike because I loved him and what did you say, “that I was blowing you off”. God Angel, please don’t feel that I chose him over you because that is far from the truth. The truth is that I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you again and I knew deep down in my heart that whoever wore that amulet was going to die and I couldn’t let that be you. So I had to send you away.
What’s that old saying, “time heals all wounds?” Yeah right! But I guess some things it does heal because in the past year I’ve been able to see things so clearly about myself, who I am what I want to be, where I want to be. I’ve forgiven myself for things that I always thought were my fault and I’ve been able to buck up to the bitchiness that is Buffy.
I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m not perfect and that I’m going to make mistakes, and probably a lot of them considering my track record. But I know one thing for certain the one thing I’ve always known. Do you remember when you asked me if I thought about the future? I told you no that when I looked into the future all I see is you. That’s still true it always has been.
All this time I’ve been fighting for the world when in reality I was fighting for you, for us. With the hope that one-day it will be our time.
When I look back at everything that’s ever happened to me, my most precious moments, my happiest moments were spent with you. And all I want in this world is to have more.
The last time we saw each other only strengthen my desire and want for you. When the fight was over I just wanted to run to you and have you hold me and tell me everything would be ok and I wanted to make love to you all night. Yes I know, Willow told me, because she didn’t think that you would, which you didn’t! Can you say PISSED? But I understand it really wasn’t the time for that. And I haven’t actually been Miss Available this past year. So I won’t hold any grudges.
I just want you to know that I love you so much. I’ve always been in love with you there have been other men in my life but no one ever compared to you and how you make me feel. No one was ever been able to make me feel whole, complete and I want so much to have that again.
I’m going to drop the ball in your court now because I just really want you to be sure. Because I can’t handle you walking away again, forever that’s the whole point!
And if you choose not to, well that’s ok too. I know we’ve been apart for a long time and our lives and we ourselves have changed. But know that I will always love you and want you.
Always your girl… B
LA
I must have read that letter a hundred times that night and drank two bottles of whiskey to kill the pain. I can’t believe that I was so blind to the pain she was in. When I think back to that night when we met I can see the pain and emptiness that was in her eyes but I didn’t want to think about it. I was just so happy to see her again to touch her and smell her beautiful scent that I was blinded to her pain. Now I’m kicking myself in the ass. She went through so much in her short life gave up so much for the world that never once thanked her.
I understand now a little bit more about Spike I mean didn’t I go through the same thing with Darla? I can’t begrudge her that, trying to find peace in a world that was cold and hard. I still don’t like it, just the thought of him touching her makes me crazy, but then again who am I more pissed at him or me? I mean I’m the one that left her again and again. I’m the one that never showed her that she could rely on and trust me.
But then again I know in my heart I had to leave her. I was such a mess after hell. I could barely stand myself. I was so worried about hurting her again and every time I touched her I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. So yes I had to leave, and am a little ashamed to say that I’m glad I did. I like to think I’ve become a better person more grounded. I’m no longer afraid of letting the demon out. We have become one, we’ve merged, he is me and I am him and I accept that. And the one thing my demon and I have always agreed upon was Buffy.
She is ours and we are hers. And we will do anything to get her back. I don’t care anymore about what anyone has to say. I will get her back. My soul cries out for her it always has that has never changed. There will be no more secrets or lies between us. And what was that she said, the most erotic experience she ever had? Well we are going to have to investigate that a lot further. God I’m rock hard just thinking about it. Cause god knows that it was the most erotic experience for me to, and that’s saying a lot considering I’ve got over 250 years of debauchery under my belt.
So what do I do now, that’s the question, do I write back? Call her? Go to Ireland and bring her back home where she belongs? Of course the latter is what I want to do but I’m not going to put pressure on her. I want her to come to me when she’s ready.
I get up from the couch walk over to my desk and start to write her back. I’ll just be honest and tell her how I feel, not a difficult thing to do. I’ll mail it and wait to see what she does next.
Galway, Ireland
The mail came today and in it was a letter postmarked from LA. Now I didn’t want to get my hopes up, because I mean LA is so general it could be from anyone, Willow, Giles, Faith Dawn…Angel.
So I toke the letter and sat down at my favorite café, I ordered a glass of red wine and opened it up.
Mo Anam Chara,
I hope that since you’ve spent the last year in Ireland that you’ve picked up some Gaelic and know what that means, Soul Mate. Because that is what you are to me Buffy. I was so glad when I got your letter I was worried about you, you never called me Willow only gave me the “she’s ok Angel” bit but never any details. I understand though, I understood that night in the graveyard.
When I came to Sunnydale that night I was so excited to see you. I couldn’t wait. I hunted for you that night. I searched everywhere with the intent to bring you back to me. To once again make you mine. I knew things were crazy there Willow told me but I didn’t know how crazy till I got there. So yeah I didn’t tell you about my soul for a few reasons. The biggest reason was Spike. I mean Willow told me you guys hadn’t been together like that for a while but I wasn’t sure how you felt. And then when I saw you and smelt him on you it made me crazy. To think that he touched you, that he was able to make love to you when I couldn’t I was so mad not at you but at him and mostly myself.
I never wanted to push you away Buffy, when we met after you came back I was so happy just to be able to hold you again that I couldn’t see no I didn’t want to see the pain you were in. I was selfish I didn’t care what you were going through I was just so glad to have you back in the world. Because when you weren’t it was like a piece of me died too and I didn’t want to live in a world where you weren’t.
But you were so cold that night and I thought maybe she didn’t care anymore; maybe she truly had moved on and didn’t need me anymore. So I did the unthinkable I let myself believe that I was in love Cordeila. But I wasn’t, never was, she’s my friend a good friend. And she was there for me. I guess it’s kind of like what you had with Spike without the whole violent sex thing. I mean we slept together once or twice but it was just that sex. We both realized it for what it was and ended it. I’m sorry you had to hear about it through the demon grapevine but so did I. I can’t tell you how many demons came up to me and told me that my mate was fucking my child. God do you have any idea how that made me feel? But again I was mad at myself. Because I had let things get so distant between us that you felt you couldn’t even come to me with your pain that you had to turn to my child and not me.
I’m going to say something that you probably aren’t going to want to hear and probably not like but I don’t regret leaving you that day in Sunnydale. I had to Buffy for so many reasons. I wasn’t a man I wasn’t even a demon I was totally clueless as to what I was who I was. I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be. I was just the slayers lap dog. I had to become my own person to find out who I was. I hope that you can relate to that since it seems to be what you are searching for now. The other reason well, it was getting to hard to not touch you. All I wanted was to take comfort in you to make love to you. And I was weak. Every day that went by and I would see your smiling face or just touch your hand I wanted to take you and make you mine again. And I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t unleash Angelus to the world again to hurt you and yours, I couldn’t live with that again. So I left.
What I do regret is not saying thank you. You gave me so much more than your blood that day Buffy you gave me a piece of your soul. That you trusted me enough to offer your blood to me still blows me away. I just wish I were more in control to stop sooner that I did. But the taste of you, your pure essence, your love that flowed into me when I drank from you and the delicious taste of your arousal, god I was so turned on I didn’t want to stop. The demon came forth that day too you know, he loves you as much as I do, even though he would never admit it. You gave me your strength to walk away from you. Because after tasting you the demon was so much closer to the surface I had to leave.
As for the day you came to LA and saw Faith, I was only trying to help her. I never wanted to hurt you and I regret to this day hitting you, I’m sorry. But know that nothing ever happened between Faith and me, god next to you she’s nothing. But you hurt me so much when you told me you loved Riley. Again I was so mad but I didn’t have a right to be. I’m the one that told you that you should have a normal guy someone that can make love to you. I guess when it was thrown in my face that you were doing what I wanted you to do I just couldn’t cope with that. That’s why I lashed back at you. After you’d left I felt terrible and I couldn’t leave it that way between us. That’s why I went back to Sunnydale why I felt I had to apologize, although I also don’t regret getting the chance to kick the shit out of Riley, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was probably the most fun had since I got to kick the shit of Spike.
I’m glad you saw your mom in Heaven and got to work things out with her and I am sorry about not telling you about the conversation we had. I never wanted to go behind your back and make decisions for you. I just at the time I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. All I ever wanted to do was protect you from the darkness that was inside of me, but I guess after everything I failed in that to because you were always surrounded by the darkness I was just too blind to see that.
After reading your letter I have come to some conclusions. First off you are the most incredible woman I know. You have had such sorrow in your life sacrificed so much and never once did you falter in knowing what had to be done. I am in awe of you. I always have been. From the first moment that Whistler showed me you on the steps of Hemry I knew that you were my world; my reason for fighting, the struggle to make myself a better man. And even after everything you told me nothing has changed, no wait I’m lying it has changed…its stronger. I love you more now knowing all that you’ve been through and seeing the woman you have become turns me on so much I’m going to have take a cold shower after writing this letter.
There is no one on this planet or anywhere else for that matter that I respect more then you. You have come out on top even if you feel that you haven’t. As for Spike, well we have come to a strange sense of ease with one another. He does want to become a better person, and he seeks my forgiveness for what he did to you. I know everything Buffy, he told me, he confessed all his sins that he committed against you and after a sound beating, well a few actually we have come to a mutual understanding. While I find it very hard to forgive him for trying to rape you and accept it all, I have to some extent. But that is my problem with myself and my feeling of failure to you, it has nothing to do with you. Just know that I am always here for you no matter what has happened. I never want you to feel that lonely again. I want to be the person that you lean on when you need it.
I wanted to come to you in Ireland and bring you back but I don’t want to pressure you. So I’m going to end this letter by saying this… you Buffy Anne Summers are my world, my soul, my heart, my mate. You come to me when you are ready I will be waiting for you. But know that when you do I’m going to lock you up in my bedroom for a very, very, very long time and do all the things I’ve ever dreamed about doing. I’m going to make you mine again. I will thoroughly ravish you from head to toe and not stop till you beg me to (maybe not even then.) God I’m so in love with you I just want to hold on to you forever and never let you go. And I won’t. Forever, right that’s the whole point!
So until that day I will be waiting.
Yours always, A
Wow...wow...wow! That’s all I could think about after reading his letter. He is the most amazing person I have ever known. And WOW hot! I think he did that on purpose. Get me all hot and bothered for him, not that I wasn’t already but damn now I can’t even sit still in my chair. I wonder if he has a good set of handcuffs?
Well my decision was made I was ready to start my life over with him and from the sounds of it so is he. God I am so deliriously happy it’s sickening. So I gather my stuff up and start heading back to the inn so I can collect my things and get my ass back to LA for some much needed and overdue good loving, when I pass this jewelry shop.
It was your ordinary run-of-the-mill jewelry store but something in the window, a flash of silver, caught my eye and I stopped and looked at it. It was the most beautiful set of claddagh rings I ever saw so I went inside to inquire about them. Little did I know the world of information that I would hear from the shopkeeper.
“Hello, I would like to look at the claddagh rings you have in the window” “Oh of course lass they are beautiful aren’t they.” She walked around the counter to the window to take them out and then walked back around the counter and laid them out on the glass. “You know they are traditional Irish wedding bands.” My head snapped up at that, “what?” “Oh yes, in older times a man and woman in love would exchange these rings and then consummate their union, it’s such a beautiful tradition, but now modern laws and all that hmpf.”
I stared at her for so long she must of thought I was bonkers “you all right deary?” “Um yea sorry.” Married ah? Isn’t that interesting, seems my little hot muffin forgot to mention that. “I’ll take them.”
So I walked out of the store now with a much more determined stride in my step. Married! The nerve of that man, he practically throws me at other men, made me an adulteress. Well seems like I have a little mission on my hands.
I boarded the plane that night and didn’t tell anyone I was coming back. I was sitting in my seat with the most evil of grins on my face, maybe that’s why the flight attendant didn’t ask me if I wanted anything to eat. Bitch. Oh well, I can wait; I’ve survived on much less besides I had a lot of evil planning to do. Looks like I’ll be coming back to LA as the Big Bad this time around!
Chapter Six
When my plane landed the first thing I did was rent a cute little bungalow down on the beach. The house had one huge bedroom with a patio that opened up to the beach a small kitchen, because god knows I don’t cook, a living room and the most amazing bathroom, it has this huge tub, big enough for two, with lots of room to spare! Yeah me I foresee many happy moments in that tub.
After I unpacked I decided to do a little shopping. I found the nearest Fredrick’s of Hollywood, because one most have the appropriate lingerie. And then went leather shopping because a girl can never have too much leather. Then I picked up a few things for the fridge, you know, strawberries, champagne, chocolate and peanut butter and of course mint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a can, ok a case, of whip cream. Purely essentials mind you.
As the day slipped into night I decided to do a little recon. So I put on my new pair of black leather pants, a black halter-top, my new pair of black stiletto boots, donned my black leather jacket and headed out to do a little hunting. I was a little restless I hadn’t done much hunting in Europe and found the idea of a good ass kicking really had my blood pumping so I headed for the nearest cemetery with the hopes of getting in a few good kills.
As I was strolling along through one of the many cemeteries in LA I heard talking and felt a distinct tingle in my belly. I jumped up the nearest tree and waited for them to pass me. Just my luck, would you believe I chose the cemetery that already had a slayer in it and a souled vamp? So I sat there perched high upon my tree and listened.
“Well it’s your own fault.” “How do you figure that pet.” Faith stopped and turned to Spike, “well if you weren’t always on his case with those asinine things that just never seem to stop running out of your mouth, then maybe he wouldn’t brood so much.” Spike laughed “Ha yeah right, love he is the king of brooding always has been and always will be, nothing I say or anyone else for that matter will change that fact.”
Faith looked away longingly, “Well there is one person.” Spike turned and started walking away from her “Yeah right, well she’s not here now is she?” Faith followed him “and that bothers you doesn’t it?” “You still love her?” Spike stopped and slowly turned around to face Faith they were practically nose-to-nose “She is my friend and I worry about her too, do I love her yes, I do. Do I wish she were here? Yes I do, but not for the reasons you think.”
Faith tilted her head and looked at him like she was trying to decide what to say next. “So tell me, what are the reasons?” Spike just looked at her and leaned in a little more “my reasons are simple I owe a great deal to her and I want her to have what she’s always wanted, what will make her happy.” “And what’s that, you?” “Hmpf, me, what am I? I’m her friend Faith and that’s it. The bint wants what she’s always wanted, even when she was with me. Angel.”
“Does that bother you?” Faith asked quietly. Spike suddenly grabbed her by the shoulders and leaned in closer “the only thing that bothers me is that she’s out there alone with no one to watch her back and probably not very happy.” “But that’s what she wanted. She wanted to be alone or she wouldn’t have left. She had her reasons Spike and I don’t hold that against her. In fact, I hope she’s having the best time of her life because she deserves it.”
Spike didn’t say anything but he got the gleam in his eye, I know that gleam very well, unfortunately for Faith I don’t think she recognized it “And what about you pet? What do you deserve?” Faith struggled to get out of his grasp and choked out “Me? I don’t deserve anything I’m no one.” “Now, now I disagree with you love you are someone. Your fighting your way back just like I am, you and me we have a lot in common, two sides of the same coin, if you ask me.” They just stood there staring at each other and slowly Spike leaned in at the same time Faith did and their lips met.
Then they starting sucking face like they couldn’t get enough of each other. Then just as suddenly it stopped. Spike was touching Faith’s face so tenderly and her eyes were closed “you know we should go out sometime, you and me.” Faith laughed “What a date?” “Yeah why not, I really like you you’re sexy as hell and I think we could help each other.” Faith smirked “really, help each other?” Spike leered “Yeah”. They turned with their arms wrapped around each other and started to walk out of the cemetery. “What is it with souled vamps and slayers?” Faith asked, “I don’t know pet, maybe it’s the whole forbidden thing.”
As they rounded the corner I jumped down and landed on a fresh grave where a new vamp was just rising. I helped him out, because I’m a helpful kind of person then staked him. “Well isn’t this interesting, my sister slayer and Spike. I always knew those two would be perfect together.” I dusted the vamp dust off my new jacket and started back into the cemetery to do another sweep.
********
Wolfram and Hart
“Angel, are you okay you’ve been like mister distant guy now for like weeks.” “Sorry Fred I’ve got some things on my mind.” “Yeah well when you get a chance if you could look over this report I did on the latest werewolf incident I would appreciate it.” “Yeah, no problem. “ “Thanks” Fred walked out and I just stared at the report on my desk.
God I really did not want to be here, ever since I sent my letter to Buffy I’d been on edge and with every day that passed and no word from her I grew worried. All right down right scared. I mean what if I said too much or maybe I didn’t say enough, or maybe I didn’t say the right things. God I don’t know anymore. I’m too restless and being cooped up in this shitty place wasn’t helping any. So I decided some much needed killing had to be done. I grabbed my coat and headed down to the garage. I’ll just do a few good old sweeps in the cemeteries and maybe I’ll feel better. As I neared the parking garage I heard some noises that distinctly sounded like someone was having a very good time.
I rounded the corner and there on the hood of mint 69 Charger was Spike and Faith no less and they weren’t checking my oil. “Hmpf, excuse me can’t you guys find a room or something, do you know what this car costs?” Spike turned and looked at him “Oh sod off peaches, just because you’re not getting any doesn’t mean the rest of us have to be shag free.” Faith hit him on the head “Spike shut up and get off me.” She got up and started straightening her clothes “Sorry Big Guy you know how it goes” “No love he doesn’t didn’t you just hear what I said?” She whacked him again “Come on we’ll go to my place.” They started to walk away arm and arm, “Night peaches sweet dreams”
Who would have figured Spike and Faith well they’re good for each other, they have a lot in common. “What is with souled vamps and slayers anyway? Must be the whole forbidden thing.”
I was walking along through the cemetery thinking again about how much of a fool I was when I ran into four vamps that had a girl cornered. “Hey fellas you know the cemetery closes after dark” The lead vamp turned too me “Angelus, what are you doing here, don’t you have an evil law firm to run?” The rest of them started to box me in oh good a clean fight just what I needed, I really liked the odds. “Yeah well you know sometimes you just got to get out into the world and relive the old days! I’m just so sentimental that way.” The lead vamp snarled at me and the games began.
I was nearing the mausoleum when I heard the sounds of a fight, I thought Spike and Faith had cornered some vamps so I thought to watch just to make sure they were ok when I rounded the tree and saw the most beautiful thing I hadn’t seen in years. There was my honey soundly kicking the shit out of four vamps. God did he always look that good. He was such an amazing fighter better then when we used to patrol. Every move was lethal but graceful and perfectly timed, mmmm…beautiful. I just stood there and watched totally and completely enthralled that I almost missed the fifth vamp that came out of nowhere and was about to stake my dessert for the evening.
Damn this vamps are pretty tough, not fledglings. I just got done doing a perfect roundhouse kick to the head of one of them when I got this tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach and ran all the way to my cock. My cock, what the hell is wrong with me, I really am a sad excuse of a man. I usually only got the feeling when…”Buffy.”
Buffy came out of nowhere, along with that fifth vamp I didn’t even know was there. She grabbed him by the back of his head and said “Sorry buddy no one stakes my hubby but me.” Then there was dust everywhere. Wait…did she just say hubby? Oh shit, I think I’m going to be in trouble but my god she’s beautiful and is that what she’s patrolling in? What did she paint those pants on? And what the hell is she doing patrolling in that top that she is clearly not wearing anything on underneath. Absolutely stunning and the sexiest woman I have ever seen. There goes that twitch again. All I could do was watch as she slowly turns and starts to saunter over to me, swinging those delicious hips back and forth. “Buffy”
God there it is my name off those lips is the sweetest sound I have heard. It just turns me into a puddle of mush. But no there can be no mush, not yet at least, because there are some things that need to be discussed first. “Angel”
Oh god, I’m going to come right here and now. I love the way she says my name like a caress that just washes over my whole body, and she’s still walking, no slinking, over to me.
I stop about a foot in front of him my hands are just twitching to grab him and kiss him but first things first. “So I was walking down the street in Galway getting ready to come home when I passed this jewelry shop.” I start to walk around him very slowly, looking him up and down, damn what a fine ass my man has. “Ah…yeah..” He’s clearly confused and doesn’t know what to say. But his eyes are following me everywhere from the tip of my stilettos to the top of my head and have turned a beautiful passion black. “Mmmm yeah and I see this gorgeous set of claddagh rings.” He clears his throat “Ah Buf..” he starts to say I smack him on his ass and walk around to the front of him. His eyes darken a little more. Oh I guess my honey doesn’t like to be spanked or maybe he does and that’s why his eyes turned even blacker with lust.
“Yea so I go into the shop thinking you know I’ll buy them because they were really nice and I lost mine years ago. When the lovely lady at the counter starts to tell me all about these rings and how two people in love would exchange them as wedding bands and then consummate their union.” He’s looking at the ground now clearly at a loss as to what to say.
I take pity on him and step right up to him and tilt his head to look at me “is it true? Is that what it means to you?”
He stares at me, no he’s staring right into my soul, “Yes”. Simple and to the point, well my scrumdidiliumscious was never much for words. Now I don’t know what to say because I’m lost in the love and passion I see in his eyes. He lifts his hand like he was about to caress my face I step back. No, no touching yet sexy. One of his eyebrows lifts and he’s waiting for me to say something.
“You never said anything. After all this time, all that we’ve been through and you never said anything.” He takes a step closer “When should I have said it? You know what happened after.” I take a step back “Ha yeah after. Tell me did Angelus know?” He takes a step forward “Yes, why do you think he never killed you?” I take a step back “Oh he could kill his family but not his wife?” He takes a step closer. “He loves you as much as I do that’s why he wanted to destroy the world, because you wouldn’t be his and he couldn’t kill you.” He takes another step closer “and after what was the point in telling you, when we couldn’t even be together as man and wife”. I take two steps back “So you leave your wife and encourage her to go out and fuck other men in the sunlight?” He takes a step forward clearly pissed off and growling at me “I explained this to you already in my letter I won’t apologize for that.”
Okay now the growly thing he does god it makes me so wet and I know he knows because now he’s smirking that half little smile at me that makes me even wetter. “Yes, you did and you don’t have to because I understand.” He seems to relax a little bit at that. I take a step closer “You know we are so much alike. We both have had to give up so much to save the world.” I take a step closer “We have sacrificed friends, family, love…” I take a step closer and lay my hand on his heart “life.”
I stand back and look up at his face and my fingers start a slow trail over his forehead, his eyes his lips. I look deep into his eyes so he can feel what I’m saying “I’m so in love with you.” “Mo Ioniunn” he whispers and then his lips are on mine and I feel all his love and pain in that kiss. He moves his lips over my check and on to my ear where he starts to nibble. His hands are holding my head then they start to slowly travel down my back, making small circles at the base of my spine, and then he cups my ass and pulls me closer to him so that I can feel how much he wants me. I’m panting now like its my last dying breath, god he feels so good, more have to have more…no have to stick to the plan.
I step back from him and he looks at me like a little boy that lost his favorite toy. “What?” he asks breathlessly. I hand him the small box that I had in my jacket pocket and start walking away from him. “Where are you going?” Oh so stern “Home.” “Buffy come back here.” Oh more stern and more angry. “It’s been a long night Angel and I’m really tired, you know jet lag and all”. He’s stalking towards me now growling with every step “So where’s home?” “That’s for me to know and you to find out. I mean, how hard can it be to track down your wife it’s not like you run an evil law firm or anything.” He growls out my name “Buffy?” “Yes Angel” I say so sweetly. “Baby, remember what I said in the letter?” I turn to look at him over my shoulder giving him my sexiest smile “Yes honey I do but I think you have to catch me first in order to handcuff me.” And with that I start running as if my life depends on, which I’m pretty sure it does considering the growling I can hear running behind me. I bet he’s in full game face.
After twenty minutes of running after my mate I lost her, damn it, I forgotten how fast she runs. Well I guess the cats out of the back now the one thing I didn’t tell her, okay I guess she’s a little pissed. Great now I have to go home and take another cold shower. But I’m determined that this will be the last one, ever. Because when I get my hands on her oh, what’s the saying payback is a bitch. So I scream at the top of my lungs into the dark night “You can run my little slayer but you can’t hide.” I can hear her laughter through the night and it fills my soul with love and my pants with, well let’s just say that they have just gotten even more uncomfortable. God she’s incredible, my wife!
I look down at the box she gave me and I open it, and inside is a beautiful pair of claddagh rings.
I ran out of the cemetery and all the way home I walked down to the ocean and looked around to see if anyone was on the beach. When I was sure that no one else was around I stripped out of my clothes and jumped right in. God it was cold, but just what I needed to cool down my hot body. God that man can kiss I think he could make me come just with this his lips on mine. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I mean who am I torturing more myself or him? But no he needs to learn that he can’t keep any more secrets if we’re going to be together. Besides it’s just a matter of time until he finds me. He is an excellent hunter plus considering the state I left him in, I’m sure it won’t take him too long. God I hope it doesn’t take him too long.
********
I went back to my apartment because I had some serious hunting to do and there was something I needed to get first. I was walking down the hall nearing my door when I saw Willow waiting there.
“Hey Angel” “Hey Willow what’s going on?” She was fidgeting with her skirt “Well ahem I was wondering, if by any slim chance if you maybe have talked to Buffy?” “Why?” Still fidgeting with that skirt, I grabbed her hands and made her look up at me, “What’s the matter Willow?”
Then it all came out in a rush “Well I tried to call her you know at the inn she was staying at in Ireland and there was no answer and now I’m just really worried, because the last time we talked she sounded kind of lost and I just don’t know where she could have gone and I’m worried something might have happened to her and…” “Willow, Willow slow down, it’s ok, I did talk to her, actually I’ve seen her.”
Willow’s big blue eyes were like saucers “You…you saw her? She’s here in LA?” “Yes” “Oh she didn’t tell me she was coming back.” “It’s ok Will I don’t think she told anyone. She surprised me in the graveyard I was patrolling.” “Oh is she ok, I mean did she look ok?” “Well besides being slightly pissed at me, yeah I think she’s ok and she looked, well she looked really good.” I must have had the hunger in my eyes because Willow blushed “Oh ok good. Well are you planning on seeing her soon because I would really like to talk to her.”
“Well therein lies the problem Willow, she ran away from me told me she was going home and then refused to tell me where home exactly was.” Willow smiled “Oh…oh I see.” I looked at her “What do you see?” “Well she was in Ireland for a year right?” “Yea” “Well it really was just a matter of time before she found out right?” I looked at her for a second “Are you telling me that you know?” “Well Angel I do have a very high I.Q. I’ve always known what the ring meant.”
“Great. Well what can I say, thanks for never telling her?” Willow laughed, “I didn’t think it was my place to tell her.” “No you’re right, I should have said something but the timing never seemed right.”
I toke out my keys and opened the door and let Willow in and I followed behind her “I don’t think you have to worry about that to much I mean she understands, she’s just playing with you.” I snorted, “You have no idea.” I started to walk into my bedroom and Willow followed me “So what are you going to do now?” I walked over to my closet and pulled out a box that was sealed with tape. I laid it on the bed toke my knife out and opened it up. “I have to go hunting, but unfortunately I haven’t the faintest idea where to start.” I took out a small box and unraveled the ribbon holding it closed.
Willow inched closer to and said “Well LA is a big city she could be anywhere.” I opened the box and looked inside, they were still there. “That it is.” Willow was peering over my shoulder trying to see what was in the box. I took them out and put them in my pocket before she could see. I looked back at her and she had this little smile on her face like she knew what I had.
“You know, one time when Buffy and I were having one of those girls only nights we were playing a game we always played the ‘if you could be anywhere but here game.” She looked at me like I was supposed to know what that meant. “Ah Willow I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Of course you don’t silly.” she smacked me on the arm “the game is if you could be anywhere but here where would you be.” “Oh, ok.” “So anyway she said if she could be anywhere but here she would be on the beach with you.” “Ah Willow you do know that California is a big state surrounded by water on one side don’t you?”
She laughed again, am I being funny here? “I know that but it’s a start right?” She looked at me so hopefully and was smiling so sweetly, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling too. “Yea it’s a start.”
“Well I’m going to go back to the hotel good luck hunting.” And I’d swear she was giggling on the way out. Does everyone take pleasure in my misery?
I started to walk back down to the garage when it hit me. The beach…I smiled, of course, the beach!
God it was beautiful out tonight, the sky was clear and the stars were twinkling so brightly it was almost like it was just for me. The sound of the ocean was so soothing and as I stood there looking over it I felt that everything was coming around to where it should be, a full circle so to speak. My life had gone in so many directions and yet I always ended up back here. Whether it was in my dreams or in realty, it seemed like the most important moments in my life, the moments that I had always locked away in my heart where held here at this very spot waiting to shine again.
As I stood there thinking all of these very un-Buffy-like Zen thoughts I got that wonderful tingly sensation that started in the pit of my stomach and went all the way down to my toes, and I just smiled.
********
I was walking down the street looking at all the bungalows on the boardwalk when I stopped in front of a house with the light on. I turned to look at it and in the window was one black rose. I walked up to the door and peered inside the window there were candles lit everywhere but I didn’t see anyone. I slowly opened the door and walked inside.
It reeked like Buffy, Vanilla and sunshine. I smirked. Ha I’ve found you baby. I walked into the kitchen but there was no one there, then I turned and walked into the bedroom. There was another black rose on the bed I picked it up and smelt it. A black rose, why would she leave that, I mean Angelus had given her black roses I didn’t. A wave of irrational jealously went through me, but then I realized what she was saying. That she accepted both of us and then my heart was filled with pride and love that a woman like that could still want me after everything my demon had put her through.
I looked over and on the nightstand was a bottle of champagne chilling in a bucket, some strawberries and whip cream. I was smiling now from ear to ear three of my favorite things; champagne, strawberries, and whip cream, now all I needed was the final ingredient…Buffy. I looked around again but I didn’t see her, when I noticed the patio door was opened; I walked over to it and looked out towards the ocean.
And then I saw her. Silhouetted in the moonlight she was wearing a very shear sundress, thank god for vampire night vision, that came up to her knees and she was just staring at the stars like they held all the answers to her problems. My god was she always this stunning? I don’t think I will ever get over how beautiful she is. I took off my jacket, shoes and socks and started down the beach towards my wife.
I walked right up behind her she didn’t turn around but I know she knew that I was there. I slipped my arms around her waist and she leaned against me she turned her head and with a little smile on her face she looked at me and said “How did you find me here?” and I answered the only way I could “If I was blind I would see you.” She lifted her hand to my face and caressed my check. “Stay with me.” She said. “Forever, that’s the whole point.”
Tears were glistening in her eyes and a happy but sad smile was on her lips “You really were there.” “I really was Baby.” Then our lips met and it was like a fire running through my veins. Only this woman could ever make me feel like this. Like an untried schoolboy burning with so much desire that it felt like I would explode.
I lifted my lips from hers and looked deeply into her eyes trying to tell her how much she meant to me and the depth of emotion that only she could make me feel. Then I leaned down and swept her up into my arms and started to walk back to the bungalow.
I squealed with delight as he lifted me up and cradled me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and started to nuzzle it. “Where are we going?” “ Well first I’m going to take you back home, carry you over the threshold, like any proper husband should do, then after some champagne and strawberries I’m going to tie you down to the bed and thoroughly ravish you until you scream my name.” This evening is looking very promising. “Mmmmm, don’t you want whip cream with your strawberries?” I asked. He looked down at me and there was hunger written all over his face “No actually I always preferred my whip cream with a touch of Buffy.”
Ok now I am seriously turned on so I start to nibble on his earlobe because I know that drives him nuts “Gods Buffy if you don’t stop that I’m never going to make it back to the house.” I giggle and blow in his ear lightly. “Well that wouldn’t so bad would it?” He’s walking faster now “Our first time since forever will not be spent on the beach where any Larry, Moe or Curly can see you.” I’m still blowing and nibbling “Oh pop culture reference, you have changed. “ “Yes my quip skills have improved immensely.”
We finally reach the patio and he looks down at me then we both turn and look inside at the same time. He takes a step inside the door and with his other foot he closes it. “Handy talent I hope that’s not your only one.” He smirks and throws me on the bed and then reaches for his jacket. He takes something out of his pocket and stalks over to me on the bed. I sit up Indian style and make room for him.
He sits down and reaches for my hands. “Buffy I’m sorry I never told you about the rings it never meant that it wasn’t what I felt, what I believed, in my head and in my heart to be true. You are so much a part of me you always have been even when I was in hell, you were with me and I was with you, nothing could keep us apart.”
He reaches down and takes out my claddagh ring and slips it on my ring finger. “I found this when I came back from hell, it was on the mansion floor, where you dropped it. I’ve kept it all these years with the hope that one day I could give it back to you and that you would wear it once again. I love you Buffy Anne Summers and there is nothing that I want more in this world then to be with you once again. I want to fight by your side and protect that which we both love. I want to be the person that you can lean on and tell all your secrets to. I want to be the man that you think of every night before you fall asleep and I want to hear my name on your lips when you’re screaming with passion. It’s always been you Buffy, no matter how many other woman there’ve been in my life, it’s always been you.”
Tears are now streaming down my face and I look down at our entwined hands and notice that he’s wearing his claddagh ring facing towards him. I reach up and cup his check “Angel, you have always been those things to me. No man could ever replace you in my head and in my heart. And even though I never knew what the rings meant, somewhere deep down in my soul I always knew that we were one. The time that we spent apart and even death could never erase you from me. I never want to be without you again. I don’t want to deny our wants anymore. All I want is to be your wife and live the rest of my days with you, by your side, as warriors, as friends, and as lovers.”
“Buffy” then our lips met and our tongues dueled for dominance. I let him lead, because let’s face it I love it when he takes control. He is the epitome of male dominance and I want nothing but to be dominated and possessed by him, my husband, my mate.
He lays me down on the bed and starts to ravish my mouth with his. His tongue slowly moves over my lips then his mouth starts to plunder my mouth, sucking on my tongue and bottom lip. His hands start to wander from my face to my shoulders where his thumb starts to draw slow circles on his mark.
“God Angel, it feels so good, I need more, more.” Yes I am babbling now because this ecstasy I haven’t felt since my 17th birthday. The way his hands move over my body touching every part outside and inside. His kisses like a drug that I want no need more of. His hands move to my breasts and he starts to caress them while the other hand is moving up my leg, which is now wrapped around his waist. I let my hands wander through his hair down his neck and back and I cup his ass and squeeze it.
“Buffy.” I pull him closer into me and I can feel his hard cock pressing into the place that needs his attention the most. “Angel please, I can’t wait anymore, I’ve been waiting forever. I want you inside me.”
Her words are like liquid fire rolling down my body and into my soul. I wanted to make this moment last but I don’t know if I can. Her body feels so good, so right. Her lips taste so sweet and the breathy moans that come out of those beautiful lips makes me harder than I think I’ve ever been.
“Don’t worry baby I will be inside you, deep inside you” he whispers in my ear while his hand is inching closer and closer to where I need him to be. “But I need some dessert first.” And with that said he scoots his body down mine and starts to suck on my nipples through my dress. But that’s not enough for me “I need to feel you Angel.” He rips the front my dress and then his mouth is on my skin and it’s like heaven. He starts to lick my nipple while his other hand is playing with the other. Then he takes one in his teeth and gently bites down. “ANGEL. Please baby.” He then moves lower and starts a trail down my stomach and around my bellybutton. He goes to remove my underwear, but surprise for him because I’m not wearing any.
“God Buffy be thankful I was the one that found you.” “Only you…only you” I mindlessly say. He’s growling now that possessive growl that makes me even wetter.
“God I have to taste you it’s been so long.” He sits back and pushes my legs apart and he’s staring at me like a starving man.
“So beautiful,” as his finger starts to make small circles on my outer lips. My hips buck up to him wanting more, needing more of his fingers on me, in me. “Angel” I whine “Yes baby?” He’s going to do it he’s going to make me beg. Well I got no problem with begging.
“Please Angel taste me.” He moans and moves those lips closer.
I’m right where I want to be getting closer to home, I can smell her scent her arousal, the purest most intoxicating smell I have ever smelled. I want to go slow I plan on going slow and arousing her till she’s begging for more but my slayer isn’t one with patience. She grabs my head and pushes her wet pussy into my face “Now Angel, suck my clit please lick me all over.” And I’m lost, I can’t hold back. I push my face into her heat and start to devour her as she starts to scream my name and raising her hips deeper into my face. Good thing I don’t need to breath.
“Oh god, yes, more, harder, yes” “You want more baby?” “Yes please” I put one finger inside her and start to move, in and out in and out. “You want more?” “Yes more please Angel, more.” I put another finger in and another and I’m pumping my fingers inside her and licking her delicious juices up then I move in for the kill. I grab her clit in my teeth and bite down. I can feel her inner walls clenching, then her whole body tightens and she screams so loud that I’m sure the neighbors hear. I look up because she is so beautiful when she’s in the midst of an orgasm, a look I haven’t seen in forever.
I lost thought for a moment because that was the most intense orgasm I had ever. And he hasn’t even been inside me yet. I am lost forever in his gaze as he looks at me with such hunger in his eyes. I can’t take anymore the need to have him inside me, so great.
I jump up and push him down on his back and straddle his waist. I grab his face and kiss him so hard that I draw blood. I pull back and lick the blood off my lips staring into his golden eyes, begging him to take what is his always his.
I look at her sitting astride me; her breasts free and rising in tune with her rapid heartbeat, the sight of my blood on her lips and then her little pink tongue comes out and licks the sweet nectar off, her eyes are begging me. And God help me, but I can’t hold back anymore.
The demon wants her I can feel him clawing at the surface my face shifts the ridges protrude on my forehead my eyes already yellow. I have to possess her, have to make her mine again, my mate, mine. I grab her shoulders and throw her on the bed and in one-shot ram into her. I can’t stop now, the absolute possession of my woman to take what is mine to wipe out all traces of other men that have touched her, been inside her, heard her moans of pleasure; they’re only for me, only for me.
When his face shifted it was beautiful. Strange I know coming from a vampire slayer, but he so beautiful in any shape or form. Then he grabbed me and threw me down and plunged his hard cock inside of me. It was pain it was pleasure it was, simply put, home.
“Mine only mine” he said savagely has he pounds into me again and again “Yes Angel only yours, forever.”
It was coming I could feel it I couldn’t hold out anymore but I wanted her to come with me. Then she looked at me touched my face and bared her neck to me. “Please Angel, drink, make me yours again” and without a second thought I dove into her neck and plunged my fangs into her throat and she exploded screaming my name. The taste of her blood mixed with her orgasm was so sweet, so sweet that it was too much and I lifted my head and roared her name “BUFFY”.
As we rode out the rippling orgasms we both achieved I felt spent, pleasantly numb. Oh déjà vu. But that’s how it felt. The purest feeling of contentment, of love like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. The knowledge that this was just the beginning and not the end, made it even sweeter.
I opened my eyes to see him staring into mine I lift my hand and caress his beautiful demon face. He moves his check into my palm and nuzzles it like a cat being petted. He’s trying to comfort me but God all it does is turn me on again. I could feel my juices flowing again, his now semi-soft cock still inside me, getting hard again! I clench my inner muscles down on his cock and squeeze with all my might.
He takes a deep breath his face shifts back to his human face and a little moan escapes his lips “God your incredible” he says to me all the love he feels for me pouring out into those three little words.” “Only because of you” I tell him. He kisses my palm and then grabs my hand and starts to lick it all over. Putting each digit in his mouth licking and sucking on them and he looks at me again his eyes telling me everything he’s going to do to me. And it’s like I didn’t just have the best orgasm of my life, like it’s never enough. I want him so much all over again it will never be enough.
“This time we take it nice and slow” he says all sexy while still holding my hand and moving those lips down my arm. “There’s so much I want to do to you.” KISS “I want to kiss and lick every part of your body.” LICK “I want to feel you everywhere” and his hands start to wander down my arm to my shoulder “hear every moan and sound that comes out of these beautiful lips” he’s tracing my lips with this fingers I stick my tongue out and grab his finger in my mouth and start to suck and lick it, he moans “and I want to hear my name of your lips when you cum.” I’m moaning now I am so turned on I don’t think I can take it nice and slow because if this is Angel’s idea of nice and slow, he is slowly killing me.
“Angel, if you don’t shut up, I don’t think I’ll be able to do nice and slow” He smirks “Baby nice and slow is what is all about.” He sweetly whispers in my ear. His hands are wandering lower now moving over my breasts but not actually touching them. “The anticipation of what’s to come.” His hands are barely touching my breast but they’re making butterfly light slow circles under them. “And then when it finally does come” his fingers touch my nipples and I cry out “Angel”. “The pleasure is so much more.”
Ok my body is on fire now, and he shifts so his cock pulls out of me. I whimper at the loss and he just chuckles. “Be patient my love” he whispers in my ear and then he’s nibbling on my ear and he makes his way down to my neck, to his mark, our mark; the most sensitive spot on my body. And he knows it because he’s working it now, licking and taking little nibbles and then he sucks on it hard, really hard. And he’s squeezing my nipples. I pull him closer to me “GOD ANGEL” And it was earth shattering I came just from that, just from his mouth on his mark. “God you’re amazing.” He says with wonder in his voice.
As I slowly come down from that last orgasm, he’s still kneading my breasts tweaking my nipples and his other hand is inching its way up and down my leg. And I just explode. With lightening quick reflexes I push him on his back and straddle him. I have to taste him I have to give him what he’s given me, pleasure immense pleasure. “Nice and slow ah baby. I’ll give you nice and slow.”
I can’t believe she came just from me sucking on my mark. And then when she pushed me over on my back and straddled me I saw the evil look in her eyes and thought shit I’m in trouble.
She then grabs my head and starts to kiss me, her lips moving ever so slowly on mine her warm tongue meeting mine, it’s a deep slow languid kiss, and I think my toes are curling into the bed, my hands are gripping her hips pushing her into my hard cock.
She lifts her head and smiles at me ever so sweetly and then starts to make a trail with her lips and tongue over my chin and down my neck she takes my Adams apple in her mouth and starts to suck on it. “Oh God don’t stop” and then she bit me it made me jump and in so doing I pushed her even further against my rigid cock. And she just laughed “I’ll never stop baby, never” and then she moves lower and starts to lick and suck on my nipples twirling her little tongue around one while playing with the other one. And still she moves lower.
Well I was the one that said anticipation made it hotter right? Well I’m regretting I said it because this sweet torture was killing me. “Buffy please...” I know I’m whining but I can’t help it. “Yes Angel, what do you want?” She grabs my cock and starts to move her hand up and down applying just the right amount of pressure. Then her tongue swipes out and licks the pre cum off the head. “Oh God please Buffy.” She stops and looks up at me “But Angel I thought you wanted nice and slow?” She says innocently. I growl, I can’t help it but lucky me she’s as impatient as I am and she takes my cock in her mouth and starts sucking hard and fast. Her hand moves around and she starts playing with my balls. I can’t take it anymore “baby yes, don’t stop, I’m going to…” and I do right in her beautiful mouth. She swallows my cold seed and then proceeds to lick all the juices off.
“Mmmm, I love the taste of you.” She says, my eyes are closed and I’m still trying to catch my unneeded breath. I open them to see her licking her lips and starting at my cock like it’s the best thing she ever had in her mouth. And she watches, as it grows hard again. “Mmmm, God I love vampire stamina” she says then she moves her body up to mine. I grab her head and start to plunder her mouth tasting myself on her lips. She lifts her hips and grabs my cock and slowly puts it inside. I’m watching her now. How beautiful she is riding me. I never thought I would ever see this again. Her breasts are moving up and down and I grab them and start to play with her nipples. She speeds up her tempo; she pulls up and then slams down on me. And she does it again and again. I can feel my balls clenching, I know I’m going to cum again, and I want her to cum with me. I reach my hand down to her clit and pinch her sensitive nub, she throws her head back and I can feel her inner walls clenching down on my cock so hard I think she could’ve ripped it off. And it feels so excruciatingly good that I cannot hold out anymore and I cum deep inside of her. “BUFFY.”
She lowers herself, kisses me and sighs, “God that was incredible.” She lays her head on my chest and I’m rubbing her back comforting her, riding out the storm with her. “mmm” that’s about all I can say as I feel my eyes getting heavy. And with my soft cock still inside her my eyes start to close “I love you Ioniun.” “I love you.” She groggily says.
We slept in each other’s arms that night holding onto the other so tightly that heaven or hell couldn’t separate us. And it was, just as it always was and always will be…perfect happiness.
The End
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