TITLE:              I Still Believe

AUTHOR:          Zo

EMAIL:             zoso37ba@gmail.com

URL:                 http://www.warriorsandlovers.com

RATING:           PG-13

SUMMARY:        Chosen, after Angel leaves Sunnydale Buffy ponders her feelings about seeing him.

A/N:                 This is dedicated to all Bangles may your hope for B/A continue to thrive in the New Year. I still believe and I know that you all do too!  Hugs & Luv to everyone!

 

 

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I still believe, someday you and me,
Will find ourselves in love again.
I had a dream, someday you and me,
Will find ourselves in love again.

“Angel” He stopped and turned to look at her.

“I do... sometimes think that far ahead.”

He smiled at her, “Sometimes is something.” He turned and walked away unable to keep standing there, smelling her, being able to touch her but not able to.

“Be a long time coming. Years, if ever.” She called out to him.

He just shrugged and smiled again. “I ain't getting any older.” He walked away and out of her life again.

She stood there watching him leave. It seemed like she was always doing that, watching him walk away from her. But unlike last time, this time it was her choice. 

She started to walk home and she tried to concentrate on what she had to do, but as usual, he occupied every thought.  She still couldn’t believe that he came here.  It had been a long time since they saw each other and to be honest she had sort of felt like he didn’t care anymore.  If she were really honest, she would buck up to the fact that up until only a few months ago, she hadn’t thought of him either.

Things had been so hard last year, she had been so ashamed of the person that she had become, that she didn’t want to think of him, because thinking of him, made her feel sad and lonely.  And when she felt sad and lonely she did stupid things, desperate things to make her feel anything but the pain. After all the self-hatred and shame that she felt for herself it was only logical that she would assume that he wouldn’t want her anymore and to think that was too painful. So she blocked him out. She pushed him and all her feelings for him down deep inside of her.

In fact she had hardened herself to him for so long that she started to question her own feelings.  How could someone who felt so empty inside and didn’t even love her self, feel such a blinding consuming love for another person. She didn’t think it was possible so she convinced herself that she didn’t love him anymore it was easier that way.

It wasn’t until a few months ago when Anya butchered all those students and she had that confrontation with Xander that she had realized how wrong she was. She had been so mad at Xander for saying that she didn’t know what he was feeling that the words had spilled out of her mouth and she admitted that she loved Angel more than anything in this life and that she would have done anything to stay with him. 

Of course she hid the shock that she felt at saying those words.  She hid the fact that her heart had suddenly felt like it exploded with love, a love that she had so expertly denied for so long.

She tried to rationalize it by telling her self that she was a different person now than she was a year ago.  That she didn’t hate herself that much anymore and so it didn’t hurt as much to think of him. She started to wonder; maybe she could still love, maybe she could still believe that one day they would have their chance. But she in the bright light of day that certainty faded and she was once again left unsure.

You look in my eyes
And I get emotional inside.
I know it’s crazy
But you still can touch my heart.
And after all this time,
You’d think that I,
I wouldn’t feel the same
But time melts into nothing
And nothing’s changed.

But tonight as she stood there staring into his eyes she knew that she wasn’t just an empty shell of the person she used to be. As she basked in the warmth of his smile she knew that she did and always would love him. As her lips hungrily lapped at his she knew that he was the only thing in this life that she would ever love so completely and fully. She knew for certain for the first time since she had been brought back that nothing had changed between them.

That familiar spark of love, lust and deep-seated passion was still there. Her heart still pounded in her chest, her stomach still did flip-flops at just the sight of him and the heat that filled her core from the simplest touch was still unmistakable.

She shook her head at the craziness of it all.  You would think that after all this time apart, after all the heartache and pain, after all the lies and betrayals that she wouldn’t still love him…but she did.

She smiled as she thought about his reaction to Spike. That alone was telling it was pretty clear by his jealousy that he still felt the same way about her. And that knowledge filled her with warmth. It filled her with hope and it gave her the reason she needed to defeat the evil that now plagued her.

I still believe, someday you and me,
Will find ourselves in love again.
I had a dream, someday you and me,
Will find ourselves in love again.

She happily kicked at an invisible rock as she continued her journey home.  For so long she had nothing to hold on to.  She had no hope of a future, no hope of ever being able to love again.

Each day of my life
I'm filled with all the joy I could find.
You know that I am not the desperate type.
If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp
I'll hold it with both hands.
It's worth the risk of burning to have a second chance.

But seeing him, touching him, knowing that even after everything he still wanted to be with her made her feel rejuvenated, made her feel alive again.

No, no, no, no, no, no I need you baby.
I still believe that we can be together.
If we believe that true love never has to end,
Then we must know that we will love again.

There was no doubt or question in her mind now.  One day they would have their chance.  One day it will be their time and one day they will love again.

The End